The New London Journal

WWII Poetry - An Extract

2005-09-07T02:03:00.000+01:00

Taken from 'WWII Poetry - Were You There?' edited by Alfred Spandau (above).

The Bomb

Damn you bomb!
Why did you fall?
Did you need to fall on my school?
That wasn't cool.

You thumped the ground
And exploded hard.
You blew off Jeff's head, the class retard.
His body fell on a glass shard.

Did you have to leave that plane?
You've caused a lot of pain.
Jonny won't be playing football again.
He's got maggots in his wounds, like rice grain.

I don't like you anymore.
My sister's in pieces on the gym floor.
She's as flat as a door.
Is this why you came?
To punish the poor?

You should be bloody ashamed of yourself.

Animal Liberation Front Attack Betting Firm Director

2005-05-12T22:04:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper in Cutlet, New Hertfordshire

The Animal Liberation Front (ALF) have claimed responsibility for a paint attack on a director of BetBalls, one of the UK's leading bookmakers.

Michael Manning (above), 46, was subjected to a vicious assault while playing Swingball in his garden with his wheelchair-bound teenage son last Friday.

"It was just a normal Friday and I was at home with my son. I don't work Fridays because I'm superstitious and wary of Friday 13th. As you know, Friday 13th can fall on any Friday of a given month, so it was agreed that I wouldn't ever work Fridays.

"I've been wary of Friday 13th ever since I witnessed my father bludgeon my mother to death on Thursday 22nd July 2002. I went round for Sunday lunch and the attack happened just as my mother was dishing up the peas. My father was hiding a rolling pin between his legs then used it to slowly poke her in the minge. That surprised her alright. She fell to the floor and I remember the peas rolling across the kitchen lino. So many peas. My father was 86 at the time and my mother was 82. My father, a chronic diabetic, was weak but the attack continued relentlessly into the days that followed.

"The coroner, upon examining my mother's body, said it must have been one of the slowest murders ever committed. I was quite offended by that because my father tried his best, so I had to explain about his age and the many medical problems he had - the diabetes, the arthritis, his elephantitis of the testicles etc, etc.

"So in short I don't work Fridays.

"Anyway, I was winning the Swingball match 20-0. I don't think Adam finds it easy in the wheelchair. (We've been playing for five years now and he's never taken a game off me.) He's too slow to react and often the ball ends up whacking him either side of his face. That can't be helped though."

The horrific attack saw sixteen masked ALF members scale the perimeter fence of the Manning's five-bedroom detached home in New Hertfordshire.

"I didn't hear them or see them until it was too late", said Mr Manning. "They found their way into the shed and that's where the paint attack occurred. I had five tins of apple blossom emulsion stacked neatly on a shelf, so they threw each one to the floor and started calling them names. It was very upsetting."

ALF contacted The New London Journal today and confessed to carrying out the attack. It came after the political group joined forces with the League Against Gambling (LAG) which wants to take a more militant stance against betting firms.

For the past two years LAG campaigns have focused on the anti-social nature of gambling with the slogan, 'Gambling Gets Your Goat!'. But recently they've expressed irritation at BetBalls' new online gambling competition, 'Gambling Gets You A Goat!', in which new customers can win a goat if they guess correctly the number of players from each side who will be fielded in a soccer match.

"We just found people were getting confused between the two," said LAG campaigner Martin Jones. "We had people attending anti-gambling rallies with the wrong slogan on placards, saying things like not only could you win a goat if you gambled, but you could win a hen too.

"One that I found particularly annoying was, 'Gambling Gets You're A Goat!', which doesn't even make sense. And even if it did make sense then why would we say to people 'You are a goat'?

"We even had a Greek tourist turn up who was terribly confused and had written 'I'll put a slow goat in your mouth' on his T-shirt. We didn't think that conveyed the right message at all.

"Last month we asked BetBalls very politely to change their slogan, but they refused, so that's when we decided to team up with the Animal Liberation Front. They've been ever so helpful, especially as they're busy with their own campaign to stop people from using the phrase, 'I've got a frog in my throat', because it misrepresents frogs - they never try to jump into peoples' throats. They're too big."

Police are combing the Manning's garden for evidence and are asking witnesses to come forward.

Do Angels Walk On Earth?

2005-04-10T19:16:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper in Cumbria

Do angels walk on Earth? Scientists haven't proved it, poets can only suppose it and no one else gives a toss, but it's a question Terry Elliot (pictured right, kissing his daughter) has been asking himself a lot lately when he was saved by one after a terrible horse riding accident last year.

"I remember the accident quite clearly' remembers Terry, as we asked him to remember the accident so we could write about it as he was remembering it. 'I remember', said Terry 'that it was a very dark morning in December. I remember that because there wasn't much light, it was eerie alright, and it had been eerie all night. Bess seemed very agitated as she was drinking from the trough. Bess was my wife at the time. She always used to complain when I forced her to drink from it, especially when I filled it up with horse jizz rather than water. Moan moan moan. I often had to tell her to shut her face or else. One morning I jizzed in the trough myself. I can't remember why, I just did it. She didn't notice though. Oh hang on, yes she did. She said to me...Now what was it she said to me? No, it's gone.

"Now, I've forgotten a major part of the story, but I remember that for some reason I'd taken my horse - David Dean Stanley - out into the woods for a hack. I'd put headphones on his ears and was playing him Rod Stewart from my CD walkman. This always used to calm him down. No it didn't, it always made him angry. Very, very angry. That was my mistake. And before I knew it, David Dean Stanley had me on the forest floor and was cuffing me with his hoof. He loved wearing his frilly hoof cuffs, but he'd never used them against me before. Only Bess had, but much more softly.

"I'm recalling something. Something important. Oh yes - luckily I was saved by a passerby who startled David Dean Stanley. He ran off and collided with a tree. The passerby's name was Terri Elliott and last month she became my wife and changed her name to Terri Elliot (but with just one 't' in Elliot).

"I thank heaven that she walked past and saved me. Of course, she did just walk past at first, but my screams played on her mind and she returned to the scene the next day as I was still being assaulted and it was her rear approach that surprised David Dean Stanley.

"She is a true angel for saving me. A true angel indeed. Not a bitch for leaving me to die for twenty-four hours, it would be wrong to say that, but an absolute angel for coming back to rescue me. Eventually.

"And she is a constant reminder to me that angels do walk on Earth. Only last night as I was pulling into the driveway, she leapt out from a bush and threw a placard at the windscreen that said 'Angels Walk On Earth'. It made me crash into the corner of the house and I smashed my head against the steering wheel, but five hours in casualty soon put that right. Oh I do love her. She saved me."

The New London Journal asked Terry's neighbours if they too believe angels walk on Earth.

"Yeah, I think they do", said Mitchell Evans. "I remember once I was late for work and had to run for a bus. I'd been reprimanded the week before for being late so needed to catch it but the bus was too far ahead and there was no way I could make it.

"So I looked up to the sky and said 'Please God, please anyone, make that bus stop!' And then a second later the bus passed under a bridge and a geezer who was standing on it hurled a brick at the bus driver. It smashed through his window and cracked his skull. The bus swerved onto the pavement, struck a young mother pushing a pram - killing her - then hit the McDonald's on the corner and mowed down a group of school children. An elderly gentleman who was on the bus suffered a heart attack as it overturned, and several other passengers died as he fell on them.

"The vehicle came to a halt and I was finally able to catch it up, which was a bit of good fortune. So, yeah, I reckon angels do walk on Earth and it was an angel which made that bus stop. I tried to climb on board but was pulled off by the emergency services which was a bit annoying as by now I was running really late. I got to work eventually and thankfully I was on time, but my manager just told me to go home as there had been an accident and the restaurant was closed. I work at the McDonald's what the bus hit."

Maggie Brown, who has known Mr Elliot for fifteen years, also supported his view that angels walk among us on Earth. "I definitely think they do. My children are always going on about them though I never give into them. That's too easily done, isn't it? Giving into children. You won't catch me doing that. They say that Michael Jackson gave into children and look at the problems he's having. Anyway, yeah I'm pretty certain they exist - I've seen them in the shops - all the different flavours. You've got strawberry, chocolate, butterscotch. Angel's Delight is definitely available on Earth. I think they're bringing out a horse jizz flavour. The kids'll really be nagging me then. Gawd."

Mohamad Al-Fayed On...

2005-04-07T22:48:00.000+01:00

Welcome to a new, regular feature from The New London Journal where we ask Mohamed Al-Fayed for his views on life in Britain and ask him to peel back the skin of his fascinating career.

NLJ: Mr Fayed, first of all thank you for agreeing to do this.

AL-FAYED: You people take it for granted that I'm here. You should be thanking me, I got better things to do. Just don't ask me about Diana and Dodi. And don't ask me about the Duke of Edinburgh.

NLJ: Prince Philip?

AL-FAYED: Don't ask me about him.

NLJ: Tell me about your career. How did you make your fortune?

AL-FAYED: I was in Egypt aged seventeen when I started selling sewing machines. I sold them to women only, not gay man. Don't ask me about Prince Philip.

NLJ: And you did well and went on to become an exporter?

AL-FAYED: Exporter, yes. Dogs, cats, foot stools. Made my fortune and invested in shipping. But don't ask me about Prince Philip, I won't answer questions on him.

NLJ: And at what age did you become a millionaire?

AL-FAYED: He is of no interest to me that man. I have no opinion of him.

NLJ: I read that you were a millionaire by twenty-one.

AL-FAYED: You want to know what Prince Philip did to me? Ok, you ask so I tell you. He killed my son. He had him murdered - and Princess Diana too. He had them both killed. He killed them and murdered their bodies. Why? Because he is evil, an evil poison rising like steam from the gutter into my nostrils. That man, he is a Nazi German bastard. He is a Nazi! He is a Nazi! He is a Nazi! He is a Nazi! That man - I will tell you - is a Nazi! And a fucking gangster. He is a criminal, a murderer and he is a piece of shit gangster. And he knows nothing about origami. He knows nothing about it. He is a Nazi! If that piece of shit walked in now I would stamp on him. Then I would clean my shoe because it would be covered in shit. He is no better than a dog. A filthy animal and Nazi bitch. He is a whore monkey and an evil racist. At night he wears pyjamas like the KKK. He doesn't like me, though I have done nothing wrong. That scum shit killed Dodi because he is racist. No, I don't mean Dodi was a racist, Prince Philip is a racist. I call him a Greek racist son of a bitch because that's what he is. Infact no, I'll tell what you he is: he is a pus-filled testicle. He is like a scum disease on the Royal Family that's made their skin go bad and crusty. He gives them all diarrhoea and broken legs. He is the type of man who gives another man food poisoning then locks him outside the toilet so he must shit himself. I would make Prince Philip eat that shit then suck the Queen's nipples. And why she marry him? She's a Queen and he's only a Prince. How can they be married? Because he's a gangster that why, who wants death and shit in his mouth. I hardly have any respect left for this man. You asked so I fucking told you. Son of a bitch whore.

NLJ: Thank you Mr Fayed.

Actor Plots to Be New Pope

2005-04-04T21:52:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper in the Vatican City

British actor Christopher Ecclestone shed light on why he quit the part of Dr Who in Dr Who, by announcing last night that he's a contender to be the new Pope.

His agent revealed that Ecclestone, 42, contacted the Cardinals last night to announce his intention to do 'whatever it takes to be the new leader of the Catholic Church', telling them it's the one part that he wants and would even 'kill a man in order to get it'. The body who will elect the new Pope is considering his offer.

Housewife, Catholic and Ecclestone fan Jenny Swain, who has spent the last twenty years collecting photo clippings of the TV star's nail clippings said, 'It would be fantastic if Chris is the new Pope as he's really good looking and clean. If he gets to the Vatican he'd have to bludgeon me around the head with a metal cross to keep me away.'

Meanwhile, millions of people throughout the world have begun a week of mourning to mark the death of the outgoing Pope John Paul II. Sky News have marked the occasion by dedicating an entire channel to screening non-stop library footage of the Pope on his travels over the last quarter century, set to East 17's number one hit 'All Around the World'. Sky are planning to broadcast the programme until 2017 as a mark of respect.

Deacon Barry Foster, who lived in the Vatican City in 1988 and now runs the Anglians Against Anglicans social club in Norwich, said the Pope was the greatest religious leader of our time. 'He was a great man, truly great. He touched everyone, he did. Everyone. And he was a man who loved people. There were very few people the Pope couldn't stand being near. Very few. I think of all the people he didn't like it was the musicians who bored him the most, especially that Bono who had the most terrible greasy hair. The Pope was washing his hands for days after that encounter.

'Who else didn't he like? Well, it was ever so precarious, him being at that balcony all the time, doing his prayers. Every Sunday he used to dread that Michael Jackson fella coming behind him, grabbing him by the feet and danglin' him out the window. He hated the thought of that.

'Though fondly remembered, I think one of the things he'll be criticised for is spending the Church's money. In the early nineties a certain t-shirt became popular that carried the slogan "I like the Pope. The Pope smokes dope."

'Of course this outraged John Paul, he hated cannabis because again it reminded him of all those rock stars who used to bother him. But these t-shirts sold in their millions and were making him look bad, so eventually he decided to launch his own t-shirt to counter the evil lies. He came up with the slogan "No, I don't", but they didn't really sell too well. I think the problem was that the new slogan didn't reference the old t-shirt in any way, so no one knew what the message was referring to. He spent an awful lot of money having those made and I think another mistake was having the slogan printed in white lettering on a white background.'

Deacon Foster offered his thoughts on Ecclestone's move: 'I don't know if he is the right person to lead the Catholic Church. He said he wanted to leave Dr Who because he didn't want to be typecast, but what does he think will happen if he becomes Pope?

'Karol Józef Wojtyła was the Pope for twenty-six years: no one remembers the 'will they-won't they' coffee ads he did before that. He was brilliant. At one point you believed he was actually drinking it. That really was a miracle.'

The Pope's funeral will take place on Friday.

Controversy Hits Kids' Spelling Contest

2005-03-30T22:22:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper in Wyoming

Police will lead an investigation into what went wrong at the final of Wyoming's annual spelling contest for schoolchildren after a contestant became ill and fell six feet off the stage while taking part yesterday.

Harry Altman (pictured), 12, was playing in his fourth consecutive regional spell-off in a bid to reach the $10,000 national final in Washington, when the 'adult' nature of the words he was asked to spell made him feel increasingly agitated and caused him to faint.

Many parents who witnessed the contest expressed shock and surprise at some of the words the children - some as young as eight - were asked to spell, and cited this as the reason for Harry's collapse.

Angela Williams, who's daughter was sitting in the front row of the audience and was almost crushed by Harry as he fell head first, was 'disgusted' by some of the words she heard. 'The Pronouncer, Doug Satchel, had been calling out the words all day, like for three hours non-stop, asking the kids to spell them. About half the kids got eliminated for words like 'obtuse' or 'cavernous'.

'Then it came to Harry's turn and the Pronouncer came out with 'fuckwit'. He said to Harry, "Spell 'fuckwit.'" Then he repeated it. "'Fuckwit'.", and Harry got it right, smart kid, but you could tell he felt uneasy because he started to fidget and began attaching large magnets to his braces.'

'I can't understand why Doug didn't just stop,' said Paul Gray, another parent of a contestant. 'He could have just skipped those words and moved onto the next set, but he refused. When it came to Harry's next go he asked him to spell 'cunnilingus'. Of course, Harry didn't know what it meant and, as he was entitled to, asked Doug if it was a kind of marsupial mammal. Doug read out the definition and on hearing it Harry wet himself.

'I felt sorry for that kid, but he got it right and then straight after that got 'felching' right too. They're all words we recognise and are things we practice as adults, but it's not the same for kids.'

Competition organisers believe the obscene words found their way into the Pronouncer's question list because of a computer error.

Doug Satchel, a convicted paedophile, apologised for calling out the words but said he was simply following the contest rules. 'I very much enjoyed today. I derived particular pleasure from Harry's pronounciation of the word 'fellatio'; the flourish he gave to the middle of the word, the way he made his mouth into a perfect circle to say the end of the word correctly: it really was quite special'.

Hospital x-rays have revealed that Harry broke his jaw in the fall and is unlikley to be able to compete in a spelling contest again this year.

Eleven-year old Matt Magellan was crowned Wyoming champion by default and will go to the final in Washington. He correctly spelled 'fistfuck' to win.

Terri Schiavo: Fifty-Fifty

2005-03-29T22:56:00.000+01:00

David Mueller in Florida

Terri Schiavo, the brain-damaged woman at the centre of a right-to-die case may yet live, twelve days after a Florida court ruled that her food supply should be cut off.

Judge George Greer today agreed to a move put forward by the lawyer representing Schiavo's parents, to allow them to participate in a special edition of 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?', with the ultimate prize being the reinsertion of Schiavo's food tube into her body. Depending on how far her parent's progress through the quiz will determine into which orifice the tube is inserted.

'We're expecting huge audiences for what is going to be the most exciting version of Millionaire ever,' said TV producer Randy Adkins. 'The plan is to stage it in Terri's hospital room right next to her bed. We thought it would be nice if she could be with her parents. But we're gonna be pretty strict with the rules. If it looks like her Mom and Dad are struggling with a question, then under no circumstances is Terri allowed to blink to indicate which is the correct answer. We'll be watching closely for that, especially if they play fifty-fifty.

'We're hoping her parents go all the way. If they fall short then the tube ends up in Terri's ear. I'm not sure that will help her.'

Adkins added: 'There'll be a lot of technical equipment, such as cameras and booms, but we're hoping it won't interfere with any of the breathing equipment. One of the coolest things about the show is that the doctors think they can adjust Ted's - sorry Terri's - life support machine to bleep only when her folks say a right answer. If they take too long over an answer then Ted gets into a little bit of difficulty, so the pressure's really on in this show. Sorry, did I say Ted?'

The Medical Channel and Fox are both expected to bid for rights to screen the show, which is expected to be a one-off.

However, in a twist that will anger many pro-life campaigners Michael Schiavo, Terri's ex-husband and legal guardian who wants her feeding to be stopped, will be allowed to set the questions.

We asked Florida-resident Pablo Moon, a postal worker, what he thought of Mrs Schiavo's situation. 'It's tough that her ex-husband gets to choose all the questions, but I ain't too sorry. Me and Terri used to date when we were at college but broke up pretty quickly. She used to look great, but I saw her in the paper recently and she's really let herself go. I think she's got obesity or something. Apparently she's just been sitting in bed these last fifteen years with a tube feeding food into her arm. I know it means she don't have to get up to go to the refrigerator, but man that's lazy.

'I tried writing to her again about a month ago, but she didn't write back. I guess she thinks she's too good for me now.'

Money raised from the show is likely to be donated to a local Florida obesity charity, as per her parents' wishes.

British Chess Player 'Killed By Son'

2005-03-22T20:53:00.000Z

Mike Schipper in Malmo, Sweden

World famous British chess player, Simon Tebb, 55, has been found dead today at his home in Malmo, Sweden. The sports hero (pictured left) who at one time in his career was ranked 6,734th best chess player in the world, was discovered by his wife on their black and white chequered kitchen floor. He had twenty stab wounds to his back. Police believe he was murdered.

Tebb's son, Terence, 25, (right) is suspected of the killing after being heard arguing with his father late last night. Bjorn Svensson, 62, who was masturbating outside the Tebb's property at the time, claims he heard the two men shouting at each other.

'I know their voices and heard them quite clearly. Simon offered 'Rook to A5' and Terence called 'Knight to B6'. Then suddenly the boy shouted 'Knight to left lung' and it all went quiet. It didn't strike me that anything unusual was happening, so I went home to get some sleep and some tissues. The police suggested to me today that maybe he shouted 'Knife to left lung', which made me chuckle at first but then I realised they were right.'

Tebb moved to Sweden in 1983 to escape the media furore which surrounded him after winning the under 35s Bath Chess Championship. Many sports fans will remember his route to victory which saw him defeat quadriplegic Alun Michaels in a record thirty seconds (Michaels suffered a spasm which tipped the board), and the controversial win in the final which saw him face a second quadriplegic, Barry Winton. Tebb made use of the little-known chess rule 112.2(b), which allowed an able-bodied person to punch a quadriplegic in the face during a game if he or she has failed to move a single piece in over two hours of play. Winton was rendered unconscious and Tebb was declared the winner. The rule was removed by the game's governing body in 1989.

Speculation has already begun into what could have motivated Terence Tebb, now on the run, to kill his father. A friend of the family, Stillig Bronson, believed the son may have built up years of resentment towards him: 'I don't think the boy had a happy childhood. Simon was quite a strict man and lived his life like a game of chess. He always carried a little chess timer with him, and whenever anyone wanted to speak to him they had to tap the timer first before opening their mouth and the clock would start ticking. Only then would he listen.

'He allocated two hours a week 'speaking time' to Terence which was very difficult for a boy with a stammer. He often used to run out of time early and had to stay silent for days.'

Police expect to catch the suspect soon, according to Inspector Magnus Hanesson: 'Malmo is built on a grid, so there's only a limited number of spaces he can move to. He won't get far.'

Town to Host Hitler Birthday Celebrations

2005-03-21T23:55:00.000Z

Rick Sutton in Sheffield

Gleesdon Town in Sheffield today put itself at the centre of a political dispute by announcing plans to celebrate Hitler's birthday on 20 April 2005. If still alive, the dictator would be two hundred and six.

The Hitler plans were approved by the borough council after it refused to sanction St George's Day celebrations on 23 April, claiming that ethnic communities 'would find them racist'.

Councillor David Hook explained the committee's decision by saying they didn't want to offend those families and people in the borough who 'don't speak or look English.' He added: 'St George's Day is about the legend of a magical knight who saves a maiden by slaughtering a mythological creature - a dragon - who's about to eat her. We just couldn't see how a non-English family could relate to that.'

Instead, a wild day of Nazi-esque celebrations is planned, beginning with a rally and parade in the town square at 11am, followed by the forced closure of selected small businesses at midday. The night before, several gangs on bikes (pictured above) are expected to violently disrupt a Socialist Workers Party meeting at the town hall. Starbucks will be creating a special 'Gestapoccino' to add some razzmatazz to the day.

Cathy Barrow, a teacher at Gleesdon Primary School, welcomed the idea as the preparations for the fete had so far encouraged a strong work ethic in the pupils. 'It's a wonderful, wholesome idea and all of the children have taken to it immediately. I told them it will be much like the Christmas fete, except I've asked them to make Fuhrer cakes instead of fairy cakes, and on the day itself I'll be awarding yellow stars for bad, rather than good, behaviour. The children with the most yellow stars will be taken off and...oh, I don't want to ruin everything by giving it away!'

Not everyone in Gleesdon is overjoyed by the plans. Jewish estate agent, Harry Rose, was sceptical about the project. 'I'm not sure how it's going to turn out. I received a letter from the council yesterday asking me if I would mind having my shop window smashed the evening before. I replied saying I wouldn't mind as I'm keen to do my bit for the community, but thinking about it now it could be an inconvenience.'

The borough council advise booking tickets early. Those who arrive without tickets will be shot.

World's Greatest Living Artist Unveils New Masterpiece

2005-03-16T23:21:00.000Z

Mike Schipper in Manhattan

New York's Guggenheim musuem last night hosted the eagerly-anticipated unveiling of a major addition to the world of art.

Chuck Mahoney, often referred to by critics as the world's greatest living artist, ended his ten year gallery absence with the introduction of 'White Bird On a Bald Man's Head'. It's a distinct departure from 1994's (Untitled) and 1995's (I Can't Think of a Title, No Really I Can't).

Critics instantly hailed it a modern masterpiece, calling it 'a Mona Lisa for our age', adding 'you can't quite tell if he's smirking or frowning - and that's just the bird.'

But critics also seized on the portrait's clever and thought-provoking comments on physical disability. The subject, British actor Patrick Stewart (of Star Trek fame), has seen his career almost destroyed by the small white bird which landed on top of his head eighteen months ago and refuses to leave. The condition is known as Hitchcock's syndrome.

At last night's preview, Stewart explained the impact the illness has had on his life: 'Eighteen months ago I was playing the part of a serial killer in a new movie called Tree Jumper. The character kills his victims by climbing high up trees, then jumps on them as they wander below. Most of the murders take place in a forest. If landing on them doesn't kill them instantly then he would have to stab them.

'During filming I spent five or six hours a day sitting in trees. One day a bird landed on my skull, gripped it tight and wouldn't leave. Four weeks later it was still there. The writers couldn't work the bird into the script. Six weeks later I was axed.

'It's been devastating. The acting parts have completely dried up. There are very few roles that require the actor to have a bird on his head. I did audition for one role in Eastenders that required it, but I was told the bird "wasn't cockney enough". In other auditions I've tried to make out it's a toupe, but it's hard to convince them when it starts chirping.'

Stewart contacted Chuck Mahoney with the idea of the portrait to try and raise awareness of the condition. 'Patrick came to me and said he wanted to dispel some of the myths about Hitchcock's syndrome. I said to him "What kind of myths?" and he replied "That I constantly have a bird sitting on top of my head," then I looked up at Pete (that's the name he's given to the bird), and said to Patrick "But you do," so that's what I painted.'

Chuck continued: 'I feel sorry for Patrick. He can't wear a warm hat which isn't great for a bald man in winter. I suggested that he tries a top hat to leave some room for the bird, but he's worried it will suffocate. He doesn't want to kill it.'

The painting will be in the Guggenheim for the next two months only, having already been sold to a Japanese collector.

Patrick Stewart's autobiography 'What the Fuck's Happening To Me?' will be available in shops in May.

London Axe Murderer: 'I Made a Boo-Boo'

2005-03-15T22:28:00.000Z

Mike Schipper in Swiss Cottage

The waiter who brutally hacked to death a man in his sixties on Monday morning in north London has admitted he attacked the wrong person.

Jospeh Sheeban, 37, almost beheaded Brian Mezzit with an axe in the leafy suburb of Swiss Cottage. Mr Mezzitt, who was out walking his dog at the time, died later in hospital with severe head injuries.

The coroner believes the victim died as a direct result of the axe attack and said it was 'unlikely' that such injuries could have occurred simply by walking the dog.

Sheeban told reporters how he first saw the victim while passing by on the bus.

'I was looking out the window when I thought I saw this guy I had an argument with about cheese in 1985. It was the old brie vs. camembert debate - I'm for brie. I jumped off the bus and pursued him.

'As I ran up to him from behind I shouted "You've had this coming for twenty years you bastard!", then hit him with the axe.

He fell to the pavement and I was sprayed with blood. You can imagine my embarrassment when I saw that it was the wrong person: I felt like a right lemon. Yes, I made a boo-boo.'

Mr Sheeban said: 'It just goes to show how similar people can look from behind. I was actually hoping it was a guy called Doug Andrews, though thinking about it now he was a much taller man.'

Detective Colin Foster (pictured above) said that Sheeban is unlikely to face charges. 'The lad knows he's made an error of judgement and is obviously feeling bad about it; the fact he can hold his hands up and admit he's made a mistake shows a lot of character. Once we realised what had happened we were all able to have a good laugh about it. I'm for brie too.'

On hearing the news Mr Mezzitt's daughter, Mina, accepted that it was 'just one of those things.

'But the government does need to do more to educate people about the dangers of dog walking,' she added.

Mother's Day Card Sales Increase

2005-03-11T00:05:00.000Z

Mike Schipper in Bournemouth

New figures released by the Mother's Day Foundation (MDF) today pointed to a surprising increase in the number of Mother's Day cards sent in the UK this year.

In 2004, 13,800,019 cards were sent, compared to 13,800,020 in 2005. "That's an increase of one," said MDF spokesman Adam Berner (who isn't a mother). That's why it's surprising. Normally we'd expect the numbers to stay exactly the same year on year, because once you've been a mother, you can't stop being a mother can you? So, this is very odd. I would try and give a better explanation, but as you can see you've caught me at rather an awkward moment." We left Mr Berner standing over the bodies of his dead parents.

According to the Royal Mail's figures, the increase can be attributed to the growing trend of boyfriends sending Mother's Day cards to their girlfriends. We spoke to George Perkin and his girlfriend Alison Tithe (pictured above), who've been dating for two years.

"I just thought it would be an appropriate thing to do this year", said Mr Perkin. "Alison reminds me of my mother in so many ways...the colour of her hair, her lips, the shape of her waist...by sending her a Mother's Day card I thought it would bring us closer together."

Miss Tithe, who recently discovered that she's unable to have children, disagreed. "I don't know why he did it. I woke up on Sunday to find a card laying on my chest. The corner of the envelope was stabbing my left nostril. I knew it wasn't my birthday so I opened it up and found a bloody Mother's Day card inside. He'd written in it 'To Mum (Alison), thank you for always being there for me - have a wonderful Mother's Day.' I didn't understand it. I'm not his Mum, I only met him a few years ago."

Mr Perkin, who frequently attends piano recitals, was unrepentant. "I think it's important to show someone you love that you love them. If you don't love them then you shouldn't show that you love them, but if you do love them then you should. I've got an amazing Father's Day planned for Alison too."

Original Cast of Superman III Found Alive in Zoo

2005-02-23T20:39:00.000Z

Mike Schipper in Santa Monica

The evil trio who tried to bring about the end of the world and give gastroenteritis to every person on the planet in the film Superman III (that's 'three'), have been found working in a zoo in Santa Monica.

The 1984 film starring Christopher Reeve (before his accident), gave leading roles to Nicolas Cage (far right), Annie Lennox (centre) and Andy Parsons (far left). They always pose for pictures according to their political beliefs. The film was so successful that the studio has yet to allow the actors to step out of character.

A spokesman for the zoo said the three actors were helping the zoo develop more exciting shows. They are doing extensive work with the zoo's biggest creature, a 'liger', which is a cross a between a lion and a tiger. It's not, as some experts originally believed, a cross between a lemon and a tiger. Neither is it a cross between a lemon and Rod Steiger, which scientists believe would look like this:

The first show the stars have developed sees them feeding the liger milk from a baby's bottle for two hours, then they leave. 'We want to see how this goes before adding new parts to the act', said the spokesman.

At the end of the film Superman was able to defeat the megalomaniacs by feeding them each a morsel of Fidel Castro. This sudden attack of 'Castroenteritis' of course neutralised their evil ability to transmit 'gastroenteritis' between humans, and thus the world was saved.

Child Safety Should Never Be Compromised

2005-02-17T23:57:00.000Z

The New London Journal Pop Vox - We Ask You!

2004-04-17T00:14:00.000+01:00

This week we meet Jane Custard, a health and fitness instructor at Nathan's Jail of Fitness in Dagenham.

NLJ: You look happy. How long have you had your haemorrhoids?

Jane: About two months, but it's only really ballooned over the last week or so.

NLJ: Do you think it's a viable alternative to conventional seating, like an armchair?

Jane: It's convenient if you're waiting for a bus or something, but I'm scared it's going to burst.

NLJ: Don't press down on it like that then!

Disabled Man Embarks on Basketball Career

2004-04-16T00:01:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper in Lancashire

A man who's lost all use of his legs made his controversial debut in the Lancashire Basketball League last night.

Terry Fellows, 21, suffered paralysis in his legs following a gas explosion in his mother's home last April. He survived the explosion but was run over by a fire engine that raced to the scene.

It was a tragedy for Mr Fellows, a talented player, who had just been selected to play for England in that summer's European Basketball Championships.

Confined to a wheelchair he didn't dream that he'd be playing again. 'I was at my lowest ebb, my legs were useless and I hated sport.

'But I was being pushed around the local park in my chair by my brother some months later when I got a football kicked in my face by some lads playing nearby. I picked the ball up and chucked it back to them - it was then that I rediscovered my love for throwing.'

Mr Fellows trained hard for nine months, rejoined his local team, the Lancashire Bashers, and started playing again. His dedication in training saw him being selected for last night's game by manager Bobby Ferret.

'He's the best three-point shooter I've ever seen', said Ferret. 'He just kinda lays on his back and throws the ball over his head but they always seem to go in. He's a non-walking miracle.'

But not everyone has welcomed Fellows back. Graham Croft, who's lost his place in the team following Fellows' return, is particularly angry. 'When I heard the news I thought it was a belated April Fool's joke. The man can't bloody use his legs. The opposition players just dribble around him.

'Admittedly, sometimes he does disposess them but that's only because they trip on his feet as they go past. If he wants to slam dunk, all of the other players on the team have to lift him. That leaves no one in defence.'

And trip they did. Fellows scored twenty points last night as the Bashers won 118-117 against the Spitfires, but was cautioned for felling Zane Williams as he was about to score (pictured above).

Birthday Cards Anger Office Worker

2004-04-15T00:13:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper in London Bridge

An executive at management consultancy PricewaterHouseCoopers is suffering from stress after spending all of his time signing colleagues' birthday cards.

Arthur Conway, 34, who has been with PWC for fifteen years, is seeking compensation from the company, claiming the culture is creating unnecessary work.

PWC have a policy that says all employees much sign each other's birthday cards. 'This would be fine if it was a company of fifteen employees,' says Conway, 'that would mean you sign a card about once every four weeks. But PWC employs over eighty thousand people.

'I get 220 cards a day to sign delivered to me via internal mail. It's the same for everyone else. It's ludicrous!'

'Most of the cards I sign are for people I've never met. For example, I don't want to appear rude but who the fuck is Remmy Marvel? Is it a man or a woman? What do they do? I found out that Remmy is PWC's photocopier repair man in Indonesia. He's a contractor and has been working with us for two months.

'Why does he deserve a fucking birthday card?'

Mr Conway claims the system is inefficient. 'It takes so long for everyone to sign the card that by the time it's done, a full year has passed and it's time to sign the card for their next birthday. There's only one guy at PWC called Paul Burrowfield. I signed his 2003 birthday card yesterday and his 2004 birthday card today.

'At the end of the day it's just too much work and if you're the last person to sign the card there's hardly any space left to write.'

Mr Conway is seeking £10,000 for aggravated stress caused over a five-month period.

Boffins Invent New Blue Suit

2004-04-14T00:01:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper at Birmingham Polytechnic

Clive Wallis and Mervyn Matthews look like two ordinary fun-loving students, but they're not. Although these boffins appear to be standing rather casually in the photo above, they are in fact straddling the old and new worlds of suit design.

The two physics post-graduates have devoted the last ten years of their lives to discovering exactly what a suit is. Their conclusion: it's a set of matching outer garments, usually consisting of a coat with trousers or a skirt.

With this new-found knowledge, the pair have set about re-designing it in order to spark a style revolution that will help even the most unlikely of individuals to find a girlfriend.

'It came about on the morning of St. Valentine's Day in 1995,' says Clive. 'I'd just finished opening the fifth card from my mother and I thought to myself "There has to be another way".'

'I was doing the same', says Mervyn. 'I'd spent thirty minutes opening Valentine's cards from Clive's mother too and I was thoroughly depressed. I knew it couldn't continue like this.'

The Birmingham scientists then hit upon the idea of creating a garment that would never fail to attract the opposite sex.

Clive didn't have much luck at first: 'We did some initial research and found that people find lederhosens sexy. I bought one and wore it around some Birmingham clubs, but only seemed to attract men.'

'But we found that a suit worked wonders in enticing women,' says Matthews. 'And we found the colour blue works best of all. Also, something that amazed us was that this particular colour blue matches every other colour - so the typical two-piece can be discarded. You just need the jacket.'

More years of research revealed further answers for Clive: 'We decided to have our names embroidered in white lettering on the right breast pocket. That way a girl knows your name before she's even spoken to you and you don't need to worry about those hard-to-think-of ice breakers.

'It's been really popular with the girls. I've had two dates so far and I've only started wearing it this week. I've thrown out the rest of my wardrobe, although I kept the door handles.'

If successful, Gucci are said to be interested in meeting the two unlikely designers. Should the innovation fail to take off they're hoping that a side project they've been working on - a superconductor that makes walls invisible - will attract investors.

Me & My Car

2004-04-13T00:01:00.000+01:00

This week we invite Milwaukee resident, Jade O'Brien, to tell us about her car.

'I inherited this old Volvo from my Dad. He was a great man, but he died last year in a canoeing accident.

'He was racing his close friend, Horace Bigelow, when he struck a rock which threw his canoe against Horace's. Poor Horace didn't have time to break his stroke and he ended up ramming the oar down my father's throat.

'Horace didn't realise until fifteen strokes later; he noticed the oar was feeling very heavy.

'So that's how I got the car. My Mom doesn't drive it. She's too scared and says the brake pads are worn but it doesn't bother me. Most of the routes I take are uphill, so I don't really need to break anyway.

'I'm not crazy about the colour but it means I don't have to clean it. And it reminds me of the first time I got laid in it. Yeah me and Duke, have been together for over six months now. He comforted me a lot when I was going through all of that with my Dad.

'Things started getting weird with Horace a few months back. I came out of work and found him sitting in my car and he was crying. I don't know how he got the keys. He said he felt so guilty about Jimmy (my Dad) and said he was always sticking his oar into things that he shouldn't.

'I forgave him but then he tried to kiss me. I didn't like that. His wife didn't like it either - she was in the back.

'I think I'll always have this car. It looks really great in the summer with the windows down.'

Stigmata Woman is a Hoax

2004-04-12T00:14:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper in Boston

A Boston woman who claims to suffer from stigmata wounds is likely to be a hoax, say religious and scientific experts.

Stigmata is the spontaneous manifestation of bloody wounds on a person's hands, feet and forehead - similar to the wounds of the crucified Jesus. Those who describe stigmata categorise these experiences as divine or mystical.

Ruby Cortez, who says she's had the wounds every year for the last twenty years, came under scrutiny after she appeared in a local paper with her wounds over the weekend.

Eagle-eyed reader, Kelly Seltzman, noticed that Mrs Cortez had only one wound - a nosebleed. 'It didn't look very divine to me,' said Ms Seltzman, 'and I don't remember the part in the Bible where Jesus gets a nosebleed.' She asked her local church to investigate.

Ms Cortez was further embarrassed when her son, Corey, came forward to reveal her secret. 'She just likes being in the paper, that's all.

'I see her do the same thing every year. She ties a piece of rope to the fridge door and yanks it real hard so it slams in her face.'

Maxillofacial consultant, Dr Kate Sonnet, confirmed that a nosebleed injury could indeed arise from such an impact. Mrs Cortez's church accepted her son's story as proof of the hoax.

Mrs Cortez was deeply upset the cause of her injuries has been called into question. 'I bleed because of my faith. Everyone knows Jesus had terrible sinus problems. I have thrush too. Are you seriously going to tell me that Jesus didn't have thrush either?'

Mate or Date?

2004-04-11T00:01:00.000+01:00

This week on 'Mate or Date?' we ask vet Paul Revvie of Pulster Avenue, Highbury, if he'd rather be doing the following activities with a mate or a date.

Watching Arsenal Vs Spurs: Mate
Watching Spurs Vs Arsenal: Date
Counting to fifty: Date
Glassing a stranger: Mate
Visiting Glasgow: Date
Secretly filming your neighbour: Mate
A trip to the London Dungeon: Date
Turning your basement into a dungeon: Mate
Hunting for someone to chain up in your new dungeon: Mate

Thought of the Day

2004-04-10T00:01:00.000+01:00

What will happen if, as predicted, the world succumbs to nuclear war and the only creatures left on Earth are cockroaches?

The list of great civilisations will look like this: the Egyptians; the Greeks; the Romans; the Two Ronnies and Cockroaches.

Cockroaches will become further and further advanced until they have a society to equal ours; one day there will be a cockroach equivalent to chat show hosts Richard & Judy.

New Desk Design to Be Investigated

2004-04-09T00:01:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper in Reading

Murray Fielding sits proudly at his desk at his family-owned fruit chopping business. But something's amiss, and it's not that Mr Fielding's tie has been stolen. Rather, the desk is far too high.

The Furniture Association of Great Britain (FAGB) is to launch an investigation into the height of desks after a number of businesses, like Mr Fielding's, claim to have been sold ones that are too high off the ground.

James Worthington, Chairman of the FAGB, said they'd received a record number of complaints about the matter: 'Normally when it comes to desks, the biggest complaint is that they wobble.

'One man committed suicide because his desk wobbled so much. He hung himself from a light in his house. To prove his point he stood on the wobbling desk as he tied the rope around his neck, but he didn't need to kick the desk away, he just moved to one corner, it tilted and left him swinging.

'I was with the Police when they removed the body. The desk had three legs measuring three feet in length, but one of the legs was only one inch long. I felt that man's pain when I saw it.

But desk height in general is something we haven't come across until now.'

The Fieldings have been chopping fruit for over five centuries now, their newest client being McDonald's who then pack the fresh fruit into little plastic bags. The desk incident has come at the wrong time: just as the company aims to move into the fruit picking business.

'This has really set us back', said Mr Fielding. 'I've got secretaries who can't type out contracts because they're too far from the keyboard. I've had many people coming to me saying they're really having to strain themselves to reach the F keys. This has led to a twenty per cent decrease in productivity.'

However, one of the companies that supplied the desks may have hit upon a short-term solution. 'We strongly suggest that people who are unhappy with the height of the desks raise the height of their chairs.'

The FAGB hope to report their findings to the Health & Safety Executive by 2027.

PlayStation 3 to Debut in June

2004-04-08T00:01:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper in Barnet

Barnet-based electronics giant, Sony, has announced a new PlayStation console (above) will be launched this summer.

The PlayStation 3 is a departure from the current trend of increasingly smaller electronic devices. The new console measures six by three feet and will come as a flat pack. Sony are expected to award the fitters' contract to kitchen specialists MFI.

Some of the new features include a built-in screen and a multi-coloured keyboard. The screen will have a wiper to clear away excited gamers' saliva. The more seasoned console addict will be disappointed to learn that all of the graphics are in orange. Sony have confirmed the PS3 will also include a toothbrush holder.

However, UK gamers will have to wait until September to get their hands on it. A Sony spokesman said it's traditional for new electronic gadgets to be tested on the Japanese market first: 'The Japanese are technophiles so it makes sense to do that. Think about it: the first ever PlayStation, the Walkman, the A-Bomb - all saw first light in Japan.'

A Scottish version of the console - the PlaidStation - will arrive in shops in time for Christmas.

Al-Jazeera Release New Bin Laden Tape, Big Bird Presents

2004-04-07T00:01:00.000+01:00

Michael Schipper in Kuwait

Arab TV station Al-Jazeera last night screened a new video tape reported to be from Al-Quaeda leader, Osama Bin Laden.

This time Big Bird, formerly of Sesame Street, is the guest presenter. Last time round it was actor Dennis Quaid, his first role in over nine years.

In the recording, the giant bird points to the location of previous terrorist attacks, and also reveals that Al-Quaeda were behind the recent Bird Flu virus.

'Bird Flu was only the beginning. Infidels will perish! Bernard Matthews you will not see out the month! So far there have been twelve Al-Quaeda attacks. That's twelve! Can you count to twelve? Do you know how many months there are in a year? Eleven? No, twelve!'

Other scenes were shown. Normally, Bin Laden is sitting with his henchmen in a cave, making threats while eating a meal. In this one, they've already finished eating and are doing the washing up. That particular scene lasts for ten hours, proving that Al-Fairy Liquid really does last longer than other popular washing-up brands. One of Bin Laden's men has some fun by making a lot of foam and putting it on his face to mimic his leader's beard.

Only excerpts of the tape were shown, the full version will be available on Sky's new subscription channel: Terror Gold.

The tape was delivered by a motorbike courier. Once again, Al-Jazeera missed the opportunity to track Bin Laden down by asking the courier for the sender's address.

Passion of Christ Actress: I May Sue

2004-04-06T00:14:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper in Watford

Debbie Doors is no ordinary housewife: she's doesn't live in a house and she's not a wife. But what is unusual about Debbie is that she spent two months of her life being filmed in Mel Gibson's blockbuster, The Passion of the Christ.

But no one will ever get to see Debbie in the movie, because director Gibson cut her scenes just before its release.

'This time last year I was working on the checkouts at the Iceland supermarket in Watford. Things were going really well for me. I'd just got a promotion and was allowed to train other staff in how to open carrier bags. I was so good that I'd stopped using my hands to do it and just used my head instead.

'Then one day Gibson strutted in to buy some pomade and saw me rubbing my head against the carrier bags. He came up to me and said I would be perfect for a part in a film he was making about Jesus.

'He said there was one scene in the Bible where the messiah's feet are washed by a whore and then she dries them with her hair. He wanted to include it in his film. He said he wanted me to play the whore - I was thrilled!'

The next thing Debbie knew she'd quit her job and was on the film set in LA. 'I thought my scenes went well. I washed Jesus' feet and then dried them, but because I have short hair it took a good twenty minutes of rubbing. I almost put by back out bending right over to rub my head against his feet.

'Gibson wasn't happy and said I was taking too long over it. Then the actor who played Jesus said he was still wet in between his toes and that an actress with long hair would at least be able to floss between them.'

Debbie spoke to Gibson earlier this year and was assured the scenes would be in the film. 'But I went to see it and they were gone! Because I'm not in it I won't get paid. And Iceland won't have me back.

'I don't have any choice but to sue, and my hair still smells of feet.'

Last night Gibson said he denied Ms Doors was treated unfairly and was prepared to defend any lawsuit.

Powell: I May Have Been Wrong On Secret Labs

2004-04-05T00:03:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper in Baghdad

Last week US Secretary of State Colin Powell admitted that evidence he gave to the UN about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction (WMD) last February may have been flawed. But how flawed?

Powell's evidence concerned two so-called mobile labs which the US believed were responsible for developing chemical and biological weapons. But although the labs were spotted by satellite before the war, they've yet to be found by troops on the ground.

The New London Journal has tracked down one of the labs (pictured left) and discovered it's an organic burger van owned by Mustafa al-Yacoubi. They do wonderful ostrich steaks with cranberry sauce, but the more adventurous customers go for the dog meat.

They do fresh deliveries to the central districts of Baghdad on their BurgerBike (pictured right). Prior to the war military chiefs had believed this vehicle was a nuclear tank.

However, in a fresh twist it was reported today that both salmonella and botulism were indeed developed in the van but may have been a result of undercooking.

Album Review: Katie Melua

2004-04-04T00:01:00.000+01:00

By Mike Schipper

'Call Off the Search', Dramatico, £13.49

Yes by all means, call off the search. There's no need to continue foraging in the bushes, you can put away your metal detectors, let the police return to their stations after a long day of combing the fields; the worst solo artist in the UK has been discovered! And her name is Katie Melua.

Melua is the latest twentysomething singer to perform the music of a sixty-year old. It wouldn't surprise me if Melua, Jamie Cullum and Amy Winehouse were revealed to be OAP cabaret singers who'd been irradiated to look younger. Their record companies thought about pairing two of them to perform a duet, but feared it would end in a game of bowls.

Nevertheless, The New London Journal has picked out some choice tracks to review.

The Closest Thing to Crazy - 1/10

Crazy or Crazikoff, is Melua's grandfather. No one in her family's been near him for years because he smells of piss. He said his lack of bladder control is due to an old war injury, but this is from the same man that claims he invented the vagina.

Katie was the closest thing to Crazy for many of his later years. Her brothers used to lock her in a draw in his bedside cabinet.

Towards the end of the song, Melua confesses that this cruel treatment has affected her mental health. She sings of the time she barked wildly to hail a taxi instead of signalling with her hand. Crazy.

***

The Closest Thing to Lazy - 0/10

Melua follows 'Crazy' with its sister track, 'Lazy'. How lazy is close to lazy? Does it mean not changing your underwear? According to Katie, yes. Does it mean not wiping your bottom? No. But unlike the Crazy track, Melua never explores fully what being really lazy is all about. Her boyfriend could though - he told the New London Journal being close to lazy means re-using a condom after sex, and that being properly lazy means re-using a condom three weeks after sex. Think of a party balloon that's deflated and the old saliva is causing the neck to stick together.

***

Crawling Up A Hill - 0.5/10

The hill in question is Primrose Hill, north London. Crawling up it is what you do when your wheelchair has tipped over in high winds.

Melua sings sweetly about the friends she's made at her over-sixties dominoes club and their excursions to local parks. After being surprised by the wind, Melua struggles to the top of her hill where she is able to fly a bright orange kite and signal for help from a nearby cafe.

The New London Journal Pop Vox - We Ask You!

2004-04-03T00:01:00.000+01:00

This week we quiz Millie Palmer, 28, who lives near Clapham Junction. Millie once went hiking in the Lake District to 'discover herself': she found herself on Tuesday and then on the Wednesday discovered a dead sheep.

NLJ: Would we be right in assuming you've been on the Atkins diet for the last two years?

Millie: Yes.

NLJ: Is it working?

Millie: No.

Sex Email Creates Fresh Embarrassment

2004-04-02T00:01:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper in Liverpool Street

A City worker was embarrassed yesterday to learn that a filfthy email she sent to her boyfriend has reached the inboxes of thousands of London workers.

Cath Sherman (above) accidentally hit ‘Reply All’ when emailing Alex Todd, 19, her partner of five years. The banking PA, currently holidaying on a health farm, only became aware of her error when her boyfriend contacted her last night.

Mr Todd's colleagues forwarded the email to hundreds of their friends after reading Ms Sherman's salacious comments.

"Hello Pumpy,

My mission to make myself look like George from Rainbow is going well. So far the doctors have widened my nose and dyed my skin a very pale pink - you won't recognise me when I get back. And I've met a really lovely woman here called Caroline, they're trying to make her look like Bungle.

I've been trying to call you all day but that bitch of a secretary never puts me through. I think she's still got it in for me from that time I glassed her.

Actually it's not as good here as I thought it would be and I'm paying too fucking much. They discovered what that lump under my armpit was though: pizza. Remember our first date five years ago? Let me remind you - pepperoni & anchovy.

Thank you for the phone call yesterday, you made me cum three times. It always gets me going when you tell me about your athlete's foot. I'm glad to know it's not only me that has a moist area. I think I woke up next door with the noise though. Fuckers.

Right. I'm off now to have some colonic irrigation & get my pussy shaven. They have a machine which does both at the same time. Sorry to disappoint you but I'm not going to get the Mohican done after all. It costs too fucking much, so I'm gonna get the 'Chemo' done instead. Patchy but only half the price.

Love & licks,

Cath xxXx

PS. And to answer your question - YES! But your Dad's was bigger!;-)
PPS. And to answer your other question - sometimes! But that's the mucas."

The New London Journal's Guide to April Fool's Day

2004-04-01T12:01:00.000+01:00

April Fool's Day is a long-standing tradition in many European countries. The New London Journal takes a look at how the different nations celebrate it.

UK

The Duke of Wolmsey was the first ever April Fool in 1293. One morning he ventured into a nearby village on horseback to collect tax from farmers who tilled his land. He was drawn to a rowdy crowd in the centre of the village. From atop his horse he could see they were laughing. 'This isn't right,' he thought, 'they shouldn't be laughing on tax day.'

He dismounted and made his way into the middle of the crowd. A burly man with a beard was wielding a large scythe, attempting to slice a butternut squash in half. He failed, saying the blade was too rough to cut even a single straw of hay. He invited the Duke to lay his neck on the wall and asked if he could take a swing at it to prove his point. The Duke agreed. He was beheaded.

At once the crowd all pointed and shouted at him 'April Fool!' It's still unclear as to why they yelled 'April Fool', because the incident took place in August.

***

France

For hundreds of years it's been the tradition in France to pin a raw fish onto a person's back, thereby turning them into an April Fool. The unsuspecting victim would walk around for many hours, puzzled at the rank fish smell which seemed to accompany their every footstep.

In a modern version of this prank, parents have been known to send their children off to school with a lorry tied to their back.

***

Germany

On April Fool's Day in Germany, it's traditional to pretend you are severely disabled. More enthusiastic participants like to imagine they also suffer from respiratory problems (pictured above).

Who said the Germans don't have a sense of humour?

Gandalf Goes Shopping

2004-03-31T00:01:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper in Southampton

Fresh from his triumph over Lord Sauron, Gandalf tackles an enemy of a less forgiving nature - Asda supermarket.

The wizard (pictured left) was spotted early yesterday morning stocking up on his weekly supply of fresh fruit and Lambas bread.

However, the recent battles against dark forces have begun to take their toll on Gandalf. He had to be escorted to and from the shops by his local Care for Conjurors service, and was embarrassed they made him wear a name badge.

More trouble came later on as he mistook a ready-roast chicken for a Balrog on the heated meats counter, and then his MasterCard was declined at the checkout, forcing Geoffrey Durham to pay.

Thought of the Day

2004-03-31T00:00:00.000+01:00

Two new films, The Passion of the Christ and Dawn of the Dead. Which one should you go to see?

It doesn't matter! The plot's the same in both. In The Passion of the Christ a man dies then comes back to life.

In Dawn of the Dead lots of men die then come back to life. If you want value, go to see Dawn of the Dead.

Man Uses Poodle to Attack Police Officer

2004-03-30T00:01:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper in Oakland

Traffic police who stopped a man in a Pontiac truck were subjected to a violent assault in Oakland yesterday.

The county sheriff's deputy, Paul Miller, said he tried to pull the truck over after the driver ran a stop sign at the Clarkston and Adams intersection.

As the police car approached from behind, the man slammed on his brakes forcing the officer to swerve to avoid a collision with the truck. The patrol car then ended up in front of it.

The deputy then ordered the man to leave the truck. He got out with a poodle in his arms and allegedly used it to try to attack the officer, swinging it by its rear legs at the deputy's face.

'He was ordered to put the dog down,' said Miller. But the driver then grabbed the dog by its collar and started to swing it again.

The officer used a taser gun on the suspect, but accidentally struck the dog instead. It stiffened immediately and became even more lethal as the attacker began flaying wildly.

'It was akin to having a baseball bat in his hands. I was struck across the head several times and cut my cheek on the poodle's name tag. 'Eventually we used mace,' said Miller. The man was then taken into custody.

Police found seven knives with foot-long blades in the truck. The suspect is being checked at a local hospital to determine if there were drugs or alcohol in his system.

Meanwhile, the poodle, which cannot be named for legal reasons, is in temporary quarters at the county dog pound and faces charges of being an accessory to assault.

Gadaffi Imposter Throws Agreement Into Disarray

2004-03-29T00:02:00.000+01:00

Mike Schipper in Downing Street

Last week's meeting between Tony Blair and the Libyan leader was a sham, claims a woman from Devon.

Helen de Rhein (above right) told reporters the Prime Minister was duped into meeting with a Colonel Gadaffi imposter - and that she played him.

Mrs de Rhein claims she was standing in the queue at her local post office when she was approached by two Libyan agents. 'They said I bore a striking resemblance to Colonel Gadaffi. Well, I'd never bloody heard of him. I thought they meant that other colonel, you know, the one with a white beard that knows a secret way to fry chicken.

'So they showed me a picture of this Libyan fella and I was struck dumb: it looked just like my dad. They said they wanted me to dress up as him and meet Tony Blair. Tony's gorgeous - how could I say no?'

Mrs de Rhein was flown to Libya the next day unware she would be walking into one of the most significant diplomatic meetings of the last decade. 'Also they paid me $1m. I thought my husband, Claus, would like that. We've been saving for the last fifteen years to buy a new garden shed.'

Tony Blair was ashen-faced at today's news conference and said the agreement between Britan and Libya has now been invalidated. He said he suspected something was wrong at the time because Gadaffi had such very soft hands.

Surgeon Re-Instated After Soup Opera

2004-03-28T00:00:00.000Z

Henry Miller in Nottingham

One of Britain's leading neurosurgeons who was suspended for eating soup while working, will return to work tomorrow.

Terence Toper (above), who works at the Nottingham Bob Hospital, says he had to eat during an operation because he was feeling faint. He was shocked when he arrived for work the next day to be told he faced disciplinary action.

'When I found out it was because of the soup I laughed,' said Toper. 'Then I realised they were being serious. It was only one bowl and it tasted of piss anyway.'

But Mr Toper's surgery assistant, Sarah Cunningham, gave a fuller account: 'The reason it tasted of piss is because it was piss.

'We were performing a complex brain transplant and vasectomy at the same time. These operations normally go on for fifteen hours. We'd finished the brain part after twenty minutes but entered the fifth hour of the vasectomy and were becoming hungry.'

Cunningham then called the canteen to see if they could deliver some snacks. 'They brought broccoli sandwiches and chicken soup. We all had some and Mr Toper commented on how spongy the dumplings were.

'But the rest of the team hadn't eaten any dumplings. I then realised that Mr Toper was eating from the patient's bed pan by mistake, and the white dumpling floating in the liquid was in fact a testicle.'

Mr Toper has so far refused to confirm this version of events.

He's been re-instated because he is one of the few surgeons in Britain that can locate the whereabouts of the brain and then transplant it, sometimes successfully.

Wall's Balls Hit Shops

2004-03-27T00:02:00.000Z

Henry Bird in Froverton

Above is a picture of delicious new food, Wall's Balls, which were launched in the UK last week. They're made by Wall's and they're balls. Would you eat a foodstuff called Wall's Balls?

The packaging says they are made from 100% sausagemeat. The question is, what's the sausagemeat made from?

The balls are approximately one inch in diameter. Last year, a Welshman called Tony Evans dropped a one-tonne ball made entirely from rubber bands onto the Arizona desert from a plane. He spent five years making it in his garden shed. It exploded on impact.

How long will it be before he unveils his ten-feet diameter sausagemeat ball that he's been creating in the Wall's factory? One month? Two months? Maybe he's ready to drop it onto Brighton beach tomorrow.

If the balls prove to be popular, Wall's plan to bring out their new range of self-delivering hot dogs, spicy (left) and non-spicy (right).

Blair Describes 'That' Handshake

2004-03-26T00:11:00.000Z

"I remember being nervous, shaking slightly. I closed my eyes - I couldn't bear to look at the wallpaper - and slowly moved my hand towards him. He too had his eyes closed. I touched his bottom. He'd been facing the wrong way.

"He rotated and we shook firmly. Then we pressed hands and shook those firmly too. His hand was moist and cool like the back of an ageing refrigerator. He released mine: I smelled it. Straightaway I was hit by the most wonderful bouquet: roses; lemon; shavings of ginger; a touch of faeces perhaps - it was all there.

"I returned my hand to my pocket. Gadaffi returned his to his deputy. The box clicked shut. We were friends."

Crufts - Dog Doping Scandal Gathers Momentum

2004-03-25T00:01:00.000Z

Will Lewis in Birmingham

The UK's top dog show, Crufts, ended acrimoniously last week amid claims of dog drugging. Nothing was proved, but two weeks on, the owner of a losing finalist says his dog is continuing to display odd behaviour.

Mitch, a 22-month old labrador, was expected to claim the Heaviest Testicles category after being a clear winner in all of the previous heats. But owners Jack and Tina Fossett suspected something was amiss when their dog disappeared hours before he was due to go on show.

A quick search of the dressing rooms found Mitch stripped naked on a bed in a dazed state, much like soccer star Ronaldo was found before the 1998 World Cup Final. Mitch came round, but as he took to the ring at the National Exhibition Centre in Birmingham, the owners claim he became abusive.

Mr Fossett, 44, from Tewkesbury, said: 'He was just not himself. I was putting his collar on and he told me to "fuck off". I'd never had him speak that way to me before. In fact, I'd never heard him speak before, my wife and I were quite insulted.

'He simply refused to allow us to put his collar on and said I had bad breath. I pulled him out of the contest and took him to the show vet.'

He was examined by Trevor Turner, Crufts’ chief veterinary officer. Mr Turner said: 'The owner was very upset and thought the dog may have been doped. When I examined him he was loud, hyperactive and had terrible breath. The dog was no better. I suspected it may have taken several aphetamines, but there is no evidence to prove this.'

Since then, the dog has become increasingly wayward. One of the Fossett's neighbours, Debbie Hutton, snapped Mitch making lewd remarks to her daughter concerning a banana she was eating. 'Chloe was startled and very upset. It was totally inappropriate - they've got to get rid of it.' she said.

The Fossetts plan to put the dog through an intensive ten-week therapy course to discover the root of the problem, then may sue the organisers of the event.

Twins Have Surgery to Look Like Saddam Hussein

2004-03-24T00:01:00.000Z

Mike Schipper in San Diego

Witness above Larry and Juan Perola's new faces. They are the San Diego twins who've undergone plastic surgery to look like their idol, Saddam Hussein.

It's a marked change for the two police officers who are being filmed as part of a new MTV series and have cast their old image aside (pictured bottom).

The twenty-six year olds have spent $90,000 each on the extensive surgery to finish a process they began two years ago.

Juan (above right), first went under the knife in May 2002. Explaining his decision to look like the famous dictator, he said: 'It was before the latest Iraq war, Saddam was still cool and ruled with an iron fist. I kinda liked that in him. Not his fist, but the fact that he was a strong leader.'

But the shorter of the two, Larry, took a different approach: 'I just did it for the ladies. I read somewhere that Saddam had over twenty wives. I thought he must be doing something right. The more I thought about it I realised what else could it be but the moustache?'

However, Larry was extremely disappointed at the results of his surgery. 'I asked for a great big moustache, one that curled down around my lips just like my brother's. But after unwrapping the bandages I saw I'd gotten a short moustache with a little tuft of hair below my bottom lip. That pissed me off, and I'm still waiting for my aviator sunglasses to be delivered. At the moment I look more like a dirty version of Rick Moranis.'

And there was more disappointment for the twins: so far no one has mistaken them for the fallen war criminal. 'I had one woman come up to me and ask for my autograph when we were out shopping. I signed it 'Saddam' and she asked me what the fuck I was doing', said Juan. 'She thought I was Tom Selleck.'

The pair hope to start their own lookalike celebrity business, but for now continue to work for the San Diego Police Department.

Kylie: The Things I See

2004-03-23T00:01:00.001Z

Mike Schipper in Sydney

Sexy singer Kylie Minogue has revealed that she can see people who are no longer living. She calls them 'the dead'.

Pop's smallest star told an interviewer she became aware of her powers during a performance of a concert in Seattle. Halfway through a rendition of her smash hit 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head' she believed she was dueting with soul man, Tom Jones. But the Welsh crooner died last month from bloodflow restriction after forcing himself into a tight pair of leather trousers.

It's not the first time that Kylie has been visited by a dead singer. Former INXS frontman, Michael Hutchence, has come to her on several occasions from beyond the grave, and sometimes when she's been standing adjacent to it.

Kylie, who dated Hutchence in 1987 said: 'I've had one particularly intense experience that let me know Michael was still around. Once he came to me to say "Hello." It was a bit difficult to make out the word at first because I was in a crowded airport lounge at the time. But that was one of his favourite phrases, he always used to say it when meeting people.

'He came to me another time because he was worried that he'd left the oven on in his apartment and wanted me to check. He had - and the souffle was ruined.'

Kylie also spoke of encounters she had recently with Barry White and Robert Palmer who both died last year. 'Barry said to me "Goodbye", and Robert said to me "Nuts!".'

But Kylie's father, Mickey Minogue, said his daughter's claims should be taken with a pinch of salt. 'Strewth! She phoned me last week to tell me she could see dead people. The month before that she said she kept on seeing the Village People and sometimes Pan's People. Just before Christmas she said she couldn't go anywhere without seeing M People. Why can't she see someone useful like Devon Wallis? I worked with him ten years ago and lent him $100. He moved out of the area and never paid me back. Cheapskate.'

Kylie is touring America to promote her new album, Body Language. She plans to use a free weekend to visit the toilet Elvis died on at his Gracelands home. He contacted Kylie last week to ask if she would flush it for him, because he never got the chance.

Schipper's Original Miscellany: Terrorism

2004-03-23T00:01:00.000Z

Names of Islamic fundamentalist groups operating throughout the world.

al-Quaeda
Hizbollah
Hamas
Islamic Jihad
Jumping Jack Jihad
Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades
Al Aqsa Boys' Brigade
al-An Smith
Jamaa Islamiya
Jamelia
Bev & Dave's Allah Appreciation Society

The 2004 Budget - What It Means To You

2004-03-22T00:01:00.000Z

Frank Fist in Parliament

Chancellor Gordon Brown surprised analysts last week by announcing several tax breaks and yet another increase in Government spending over the next year. But what does it mean for you? We asked a tax expert to look at the circumstances of several Londoners to see whether or not they'd be better off financially for the rest of 2004.

Budget Lowdown

Beer - up 1p a pint.
Wine - up 2p a bottle, 4p if served chilled.
Water - all tap water to be bottled as mineral water and charged at £1 a glass.
Cigarettes - up 8p for packs of 20.
Motoring - car tax frozen (reduced in some cases).
Gambling - tax on bets on horses with three legs to be frozen.
Business - corporation tax up by 0.25%.
Chickens - wing clipping to continue.
Faeces - will remain brown.

***

Jackie Steerhead:

Jackie is a single mother to ten-year old quintuplets - five of them. She and her family survive on an income of £3000 a year, or £3008 if it's a leap year. In between writing New Age poetry, Jackie finds the time to work as a till operator at her local supermarket. This is the sole source of her income.

Sadly, all the children have learning difficulties: they can read perfectly, but writing is made difficult as they only have one pen between them. Jackie experienced further heartache last week when doctors informed her the children are conjoined. They are joined shoulder to shoulder - this also explains why they only have two arms between them; one at each end. It now looks like the only career path open to them is stage acting, in particular the role of Wall in Shakespeare's 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'.

Our expert says:

It's bad news for Jackie. The Chancellor has just announced a tax on shirts and sweaters that have more than one neck hole. That's going to be tough on her and the kids. Also, she's going to have to start paying for the use of that chair she sits on at work. According to my notes it swivels, and Brown's just landed a tax on any manufactured items that can turn through 360 degrees.

On the plus side, there is a significant increase in the Family Welfare Credit. Jackie will now receive an extra £5 a month for every child, and as she has five, she should do well out of it. No, wait...they're conjoined. That only counts as one. Is there a loophole? Yes - they make special allowances for mothers with three nipples? Does she have three nipples? She better start checking.

Overall, Jackie will be worse off by £300 a year.

***

Brian Wilson:

Brian is a lay-by designer. He's been working for the Motorway Services Corporation (MSC) for over twenty years. The MSC is just one of many lay-by design companies in the UK. They study motorways and recommend to the government where a lay-by should be placed and what it should look like. Each company gets the opportunity to pitch a design. So far, Brian has pitched over 13,000 lay-by designs to various government ministers since 1984 and all have been rejected.

As a motorway fan, he drives a medium-sized car with a 'Baby On Board' sticker. Also, he smokes quite heavily - he only buys cigarettes which weigh 20lbs or more. He has a particularly poor dress sense and often wears a fez to the gym.

Our expert says:

Brian has no children. If you're childless and own a car with a 'Baby On Board' sticker, you'll now have to pay an extra £1 for every litre of petrol used. He should have gone for a 'Jesus Saves' bumper sticker. In this case, Jesus would have saved him £30 on road tax, as Gordon Brown has implemented a reduction for those.

He goes to the gym which now yields financial benefit, not just health ones. All gym members will receive a 10% discount on their monthly membership, providing they don't sweat.

I see Brian being £11.50 worse off a year.

***

Mertle Kennedy:

Mertle is a successful investment banker, but a heavy drinker. She became an alcoholic after her husband lost both legs while diving with Great White sharks in waters off the North coast of Australia. He became disorientated and backed into the boat's propeller, losing both limbs at the knees.

She likes to play the piano and is an accomplished jazz singer. She recently purchased a five-bedroom house next to a butcher's shop in Hackney, and has replaced all of the brass door handles with pork chops.

Our expert says:

Now's not a good time to be buying property. The Chancellor would like to see every house-buyer who completed their purchase within the last six months to be injected with the small pox virus.

I feel that Mertle may have overstretched herself on the mortgage too, hence the low-budget renovation with the pork chops. Pork fillet cushions are another cost-cutting feature. However, the price of the house is still likely to rise.

Therefore, I predict that she'll be £15,000 better off this year, providing she can find a vaccine to enjoy it.

Weekly Film Review

2004-03-21T00:01:00.000Z

This week's guest film reviewer is Oliver Henry, an estate agent from Paddington. He was once stuck in an apartment block lift for six weeks! And as if things couldn't get any worse, he then got stuck on an escalator for three days the very next month!

28 Days Later (reviewed 28 weeks after its release date)

Roger Humphrey is a bicycle courier working in central London. He can't be a very good one because the first thing we learn about him is that he's been run over by a bus. The accident puts him in hospital, probably because he's a weakling.

He wakes from a coma four weeks later to find the hospital empty. But where's the package he was meant to deliver? Roger clearly doesn't give a fuck - the first thing he does after getting out of bed is drink a can of Pepsi. Maybe the package is under his bed? Who the fuck knows? He doesn't! It was guaranteed to be delivered by 4pm in the afternoon that day, and here we are 28 days later and the bloody thing's been lost.

The film then takes a disappointing turn. Rather than follow up the story of the lost parcel, the plot veers off into some obscure nonsense about 'Rage'. Rage is the name of a fatal virus that many people in London have contracted from an infected monkey. First they gave us Coco Pops, then AIDS and now this. Where will it end?

London and the rest of Britain is empty as people have either fled or have succumbed to the deadly disease. Roger is distraught - it's been almost a day since he's woken up and he still hasn't been to the toilet. Walking like a man with a heavy payload, he bumps into two other survivors. They tell him the city is empty and has been for the past four weeks. They don't trust him at first because of his strange gait.

They take him back to their base; a sweet shop in Canary Wharf tube station. It's not a bad sweet shop, they have Curly Wurlies, but if you had the whole city to yourself wouldn't you rather stay in a hotel, like The Dorchester?

The three friends continue to fulfil their wildest fantasies. They make a trip to Budgens, the low-cost supermarket, and raid it for canned food. Maybe they didn't know how to get to Harrods.

They walk to the countryside for a picnic; it's a ten day trek. They place all of the cans before them to prepare their feast. Disaster - they don't have a can opener! Immediately they become depressed.

The fim ends when they repeatedly hurl themselves against a tree to commit suicide. The tree falls down. They find another, stronger tree and begin again. After six hours, they succeed.

Thought of the Day

2004-03-20T00:01:00.000Z

Earlier this week, further details of the Leicester City soccer sex scandal emerged.

The Sun reported that Frank Sinclair, one of the players arrested in Spain, 'romped' with one of the women he's accused of raping.

Any sex scandal in a tabloid needs to have a good romp in it somewhere. But what exactly is a romp? To me, a romp conjures up images that are anything but sexual in nature.

A romp is rolling about with someone on a bed, fully clothed, messing each other's hair up a bit, but not going any further. A romp is rugby tackling a friend unexpectedly and rolling with them across the carpet five times.

A romp is very different to a 'pump'. A pump means penetration. A romp is more about heavy rubbing. That's why if you have bad excema it's better to pump.

The Saddam Tapes: Secret Transcripts of CIA Interviews with the Defeated Dictator

2004-03-19T00:01:00.000Z

Mike Schipper in Washington

President Bush has become involved in the interrogation of Saddam Hussein (above), as the US pushes to discover the whereabouts of Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction.

The former Iraqi dictator, still being held in the country by the CIA, has been quizzed by Mr Bush more than once since early February. Hussein was discovered hiding in a hole by US troops in December 2003.

The New London Journal has been handed exclusive tapes of their phone conversations. The transcripts are reprinted here in full.

February 18th 2004

Bush dials from the White House. The phone rings.

Saddam: Hello. Pizza Hut.

Bush: Pizza Hut? I must have the goddam wrong number.

Bush hangs up.

February 19th 2004

Bush dials from the White House again. The phone rings.

Saddam: Hello. Pizza Hut.

Bush: Damn! I’m certain it’s the right number.

Saddam: Can I help?

Bush: No, I must have made a mistake. Wait. How fast can you get me a meat feast with extra mozzarella?

Saddam: About twelve hours.

Bush: What?

Bush goes to replace the receiver.

Saddam: Wait, wait, I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Please, don’t hang up. I don’t have enough change to call you back and I have a gun pointing at my head.

Bush: Who is this?

Saddam: Hussein. Saddam Hussein.

Bush: At last we speak! Hmmm…Hussein? Didn’t we also learn ballet together in Texas?

Saddam: Yes, in 1952.

Bush: Were you the one with the thick, black moustache?

Saddam: Yes. Those were difficult times for a seven year old.

Bush: My dad said it didn’t look right with the pink tutu.

Saddam: Your father never liked me. You know, that tutu caused great tension between my mother and father.

Bush: Your dad didn’t want you to wear it?

Saddam: He loved wearing it himself.

Bush: When did you give the ballet up?

Saddam: When the Kirov rejected me. Downtrodden, I returned home. Five years later I became dictator of Iraq.

Bush: You fell into it.

Saddam: Yes, and then I fell down a hole. That’s how your CIA criminals found me.

Bush: A ha! But how did you end up there?

Saddam: It was dark and I was attempting a very difficult pirouette.

Bush: You never could pull those off. Were you hurt?

Saddam: No, I landed on my mother.

Bush: Was she hurt?

Saddam: No, it was her grave.

Bush: I’m sorry to hear that.

Saddam: Me too. My face landed in her crotch.

Bush: I lost my mother recently.

Saddam: You have my deepest sympathies.

Bush: How deep?

Saddam: As deep as that hole. I was so glad when your troops turned up – it stank!

Bush: My mother will turn up. She only went to the toilet on Wednesday. We have over three hundred rooms in the White House and it usually takes her a week or so to find her way back. Then she needs to go again.

Have my agents been treating you well?

Saddam: No, terribly, terribly. When they found me they treated me like an animal. I was sheared like a sheep. The shaving of my beard was not so bad, but they did my chest too and left rings around my nipples. All I needed was a nose drawn beneath them and I'd have looked like a panda.

But the worse thing was the haircut - they gave me a perm.

Bush: Enough of the chit chat Saddam. Where are the weapons of mass destruction?

Saddam: In Baghdad, wherever your planes dropped them.

Bush: Do you have the coordinates?

Saddam: No, only the craters.

Bush: I will send a team out. And what about the anthrax?

Saddam: Anthrax?

Bush: Yes, the white powdery substance.

Saddam: That’s anthrax? Jesus Christ, I thought it was aspirin.

Bush: Who helped you to flee from Baghdad?

Saddam: No one. Everyone in the palace died from the aspirin. The falling bombs gave everyone dreadful headaches. I had to flee alone on horseback.

Bush: Did you get far?

Saddam: No, I soon realised its legs had been blown off. I walked to the next city where I got picked up by my cousin and his wife in his truck who were passing by.

Bush: You’re a fortunate man, Saddam.

Saddam: I wouldn’t say so. His wife wouldn’t shut up, all I wanted to do was sleep.

Bush: Now, I’m going to be direct with you. Have you been developing nuclear weapons over the past decade?

Saddam: Yes and no.

Bush: What does that mean?

Saddam: Yes we were.

Bush: And the no part?

Saddam: I was just trying to trick you.

Bush: We will continue this tomorrow. I want you to remember two things Saddam: one – don’t mess me around; two – I want plenty of mozzarella.

Bush hangs up.

Microsoft Recall Shipments of Computer Mice

2004-03-18T00:01:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Redmond

Microsoft have been forced to recall several shipments of computer mice after it was discovered they had no buttons.

Most of the ninety thousand mice which were due to arrive in the UK last month, have now been returned to the US factory where they were manufactured, but several hundred have gone on sale.

For some UK businesses it's already too late. Maude Smith, a secretary at the Puppet Employment Initiative, received one of the faulty mice from her boss to celebrate her twentieth year at the company.

'Two weeks I was sitting here trying to get the bloody thing to work. I turned the computer on one morning, tried to open Outlook but nothing happened, nothing was clicking.

'I kept trying to press where the buttons should have been but still nothing. I ended up breaking my bloody nails. Then I got Doug to look at it. Doug sorts the mail but he knows about these computer things - he used to own a scientific calculator.

'So he took a look but didn't know, then we all took a look but still didn't know. I swapped the mouse with my iron to see if that would make a difference, but ended up melting the scanner. Then we called the police and they turned up and said the mouse had no buttons.

'I'm so behind I'm on my work now I'm really angry.'

Microsoft are not expected to offer compensation.

Bad Night for Bobby at Country & Western Festival

2004-03-17T00:01:00.000Z

Day Schipper in Nashville

Bobby Taylor and his band were sensationally voted the worst country and western group of all time at the annual Nashville Music Festival yesterday.

The singers - fooled into thinking they were going to receive a lifetime achievement award - were stunned when they were handed the 'Nashville Fish' after their record five hour gig.

Due to triangle player Mitch Matthews being taken ill with ebola, the band were forced to scrap all of their songs in which he plays. This left only one song - 'I Thought I Lost My Watch in My Cow, But Found It In My Wife' - which they had to play over seventy times in order to fill the time allocated for the performance.

Event organisers were particularly unhappy because Mr Matthews was taken ill in 1979. 'They had plenty of time to prepare', said Ellis Blownose, owner of the barn in which the event is held. 'What the heck, I said the HECK is going on?'

Usually, the 'Nashville Turnip', is given to the performer or group who have contributed nothing to country and western during their career. The recipient this time was Ned And His Engine. Ned sits in his pick-up truck and revs the engine for hours and hours or until the petrol runs out. He's been playing gigs for over twenty-five years.

But the Nashville Fish was especially created this year for Bobby Taylor. It recognises those musicians who have not only contributed nothing to the genre but have actually had a detrimental effect upon it.

Mr Taylor remained upbeat and revealed the band may introduce dance routines to liven up the act: 'We're only talking about it, but next time we're on stage I might get the harmonica player to expose my right breast.'

Despite being twelve strong, Bobby Taylor and his band they have long referred to themselves as a musical quartet. They have been playing together for over fifty years.

Bush Admits to Pressures of Presidency

2004-03-16T00:01:00.000Z

Mike Schipper in Washington

President Bush today told parents of the difficult choices he faces as leader of the USA, but said he still had the appetite to be President and was ready to serve a second term.

Speaking at a Kansas school to launch his 2004 re-election campaign, he said there was 'still much work to be done.' When asked if this referred to the economy or foreign policy he said 'Neither. I'm having the Oval office renovated. Three weeks from now it's going to be hexagonal. I tried to put some shelves up in it last week but couldn't. Have you ever tried to put shelves up against curved walls?'

Mr Bush then went onto speak about how being President has even affected his physical appearance. 'When I first took office I had grand ideas of growing a beard. I wanted to look just like my idol, Abraham Lincoln. He designed some great cars.

'However, my advisors freaked out at the idea and said the public wouldn't buy it. They said everyone preferred a clean-shaven Bush.'

But Mr Bush said the hardest thing about being President was knowing when to use the incredible firepower at his disposal. 'I have two buttons on my desk. One triggers a devastating attack on our enemies, the other orders anchovy pizzas from Pizza Hut. They're both red. But no matter how many times I press it, those damn pizzas never seem to turn up!'

The press conference comes after Mr Bush was forced to shelve his recent re-election advertising campaign after it prompted hostile complaints from thousands of viewers.

The thirty second ads, screened since the beginning of March, show brief footage of remnants of New York's World Trade Center following the 9/11 attack. Many viewers found it inappropriate to use the images as a springboard for re-election.

But the most severe criticism was reserved for the scene where Bush is pictured wearing a crown of thorns and being teased by a group of Roman soldiers, but silences them when he parts his robe to reveal a large penis (his own).

The Republican team have decided to release a song instead to support Bush's campaign. Based on the theme tune from the Dastardly & Muttley cartoon, the message is clear:

Stop Bin Laden, Stop Bin Laden,
Stop Bin Laden, Stop Bin Laden,
Stop Bin Laden, Stop Bin Laden,
Stop Bin Laden howwwww?
Nab him - jab him - tab him - grab him,
Stop Bin Laden NOW!

We played it to Clora Simmonds, a teacher at the school, and asked if she liked it. She said no.

However, she was delighted Mr Bush had chosen their school to speak at. The President was asked if the choice of location was significant and he replied, 'Yes, I needed to hand my homework in.'

As normally accompanies electioneering, there was an opportunity for Mr Bush to kiss a baby, so he grabbed five-month old Beatrice Bevan (above left) from her mother. However, young Beatrice was in for a surprise after Mr Bush became too excited when he was bouncing her and vomited on the child's shoulder.

Miracle Pill Prevents Smoking and Obesity

2004-03-15T00:01:00.001Z

Michael Schipper in Paris

People who smoke and overeat face having their way of life ruined as a drugs company revealed it has created a pill which can stop both.

The science behind Rimonabant, which has been in development for over twenty years, is being kept secret by its French maker, Sanofi-Synthelabo. Yet, initial tests by British scientists have provided insights into how it works.

'We think the key to it is the size of the pills' said Griff Richmond, a chemistry professor at Newcastle University. 'They measure seven inches in diameter and are made from wax.

'We tested the drugs on ten subjects, giving five of them Rimonabant and the other five a small, aspirin placebo.

'We found the people who'd taken the placebo continued to smoke and eat as normal. The patients who'd taken the drug had not only ceased to smoke, but they no longer found it possible to eat, which is great. But neither could they drink, or talk. And some developed breathing difficulties. Also, we discovered their jaws had been broken when we administered the drug. Some of the participants had very small mouths.'

Previously, health campaigners insisted that a big appetite was a sign of good health. However, since Rik Waller (pictured left) appeared on Pop Idol, the scientific community has been forced to change its mind.

The breakthrough drug is expected to go on sale in the UK within two years and will be sold in packs of thirty.

Leicester Players Face Tough Time Ahead

2004-03-15T00:01:00.000Z

James Murphy in La Manga

Leicester City trio Frank Sinclair, Keith Gillespie and Paul Dickov have been given a surprise opportunity to clear their names.

The soccer stars were arrested by Spanish police after the alleged sexual assault of three women at a hotel in the resort of La Manga. However, a judge has decided an unusual way to settle the case: he wants the players to compete against the women in a penalty shoot out.

If the players lose then they'll be found guilty and could spend up to twenty years in prison. If they win, they'll be found innocent and can walk free.

But women's rights campaigners were outraged at the decision and said it played straight into the hands of the footballers. 'The only balls those women have ever kicked are the ones that have a penis attached to them', said Laura Watt of the Charles Manson Women's Freedom Society.

However, the judge assured them it would be a balanced contest - the footballers are not allowed a run up and can only use their heads to strike the ball. They must remain airborne for at least two minutes afterwards.

A Guide to Dogging

2004-03-14T00:01:00.000Z

With Alun Bunton

Hello Internet Daters!

What a busy month it’s been! Recently I’ve been doing a lot of surprise charity work at my local hospice. Last Monday I began a thirty-nine hour ‘buskathon’ on ward fourteen.

It went better than I could have hoped for! A big thank you goes to Ethel Derbyshire - I had to move her dialysis machine so I could plug in my amp. These silly old buildings never have enough sockets!

She didn’t have the strength to tell me, but I could see in her watery eyes that she was enjoying the music immensely, especially the Slade covers. I don’t think I’ve met an unluckier person: not only does she have kidney failure, but it’s the longest I’ve stood beside a woman in bed without actually getting into it! Next time Ethel - and I mean that!

All of the patients looked very sorry when I brought the show to end at 4.30 am on Wednesday morning.

Since last week’s sex scandal involving ex-footballer, Stan Collymore, many of you have been writing to me asking about ‘dogging’. I have been an avid dogger for over twenty years and these four simple points below are all you need to know.

1. What is it? Dogging is the act of meeting people and having sex with them. ‘What’s so different about that?’ I hear you cry. Nothing! Except, you can only meet them in a car park and you MUST ensure that you’ve paid and displayed.

2. Is it safe? Yes, absolutely! It involves a special kind of sex - neither party is permitted to leave the confines of their own vehicle.

3. Is it satisfying? It’s as satisfying as you want it to be. For added excitement, try opening the windows so you can hear each other moaning. For the more adventurous of you, try unbuckling the seatbelt.

4. How do I choose a good car park? Venture out into the country for the best dogging experience! Avoid inner-city car parks that have toilets. They attract a different sort of punter. And remember not to park in a space reserved for disabled drivers! This is frowned upon greatly by the dogging community.

If only there was a dogging guide like this available when I was youngster. It may have helped me avoid an uncomfortable episode in my life involving a local paper, the RSPCA and one angry owner of a dachshund.

Those of you who followed the story at the time may have come across a book written by the journalist who reported the story. For the record, I have never endorsed the publication of ‘Dogging: Are You Barking Up the Wrong Tree?’

Speak soon! Love and kisses,

Alun
xxx

Westlife Confirm Split

2004-03-13T00:01:00.000Z

Sarah Spacey in Mullingsworth

Boy band Westlife confirmed this week that Bryan McFadden has been forced to quit the band after developing narcolepsy. The star first noticed signs of the spontaneous sleeping illness during photo shoots. Doctors believe it was brought on by high-powered flash bulbs.

However, there was some disappointment for music fans after the pop stars confirmed they will be staying together as a quartet. It was hoped that they would split completely, and in particular that Shane would split in half.

Today is Not the Day for Humorous Stories

2004-03-12T00:01:00.000Z

There will be no story from The New London Journal team today as a mark of respect for the victims of the terror attack in Spain yesterday.

200 commuters were killed and more than 1,000 others were wounded as terrorists bombed trains in the morning rush hour.

Please use the comments link below to record your condolences.

- Mike

Truth Emerges About US Sniper

2004-03-11T00:01:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Washington

Dramatic new evidence emerged last night which could see the so-called US sniper walk free.

John Muhammad Muhammad, was sentenced to death on Tuesday, after he was found guilty of killing ten people in Washington last year. The three-week murder spree saw Muhammad Muhammad’s popularity plummet as he fired long-range shots at people visiting supermarkets and petrol stations.

But Washington firearms dealer, Tub Fisher (pictured), stepped forward today to plunge the court’s verdict into doubt. Mr Fisher has long been a member of several gun clubs in the state and told reporters he saw the accused at a shooting range at the time of the killings.

‘Hell yeah, I’d seen him learning lots of times at Michelle’s Shooting Club. Must have been ten times at least. No, wait…nine times. No, wait…ten times. Yep, it was ten times. Or nine.

‘Yet one thing I won’t forget is that he was the rottenest shot I ever saw. He tried so hard but the bullets went everywhere but the target. I got to thinking there was something wrong with the boy or that he needed new glasses.

‘One day we stood him two feet from the target with the gun pointing at it and he missed. I remember at the time thinking only God knows where that bullet went. Turns out I was wrong. CNN also knew where it went – it hit some guy at a filling station.’

Mr Fisher decided to come forward because he wanted the world to know the deaths had been caused by a tragic series of accidents. ‘He’s innocent. I never met an unluckier guy. His confidence has been destroyed.’

But Michelle Kierney, owner of the gun club, was less sympathetic. ‘We tried to give him all kinds of advice but he never listened. First thing I noticed was that his glasses were awful thick – I don’t know how he could see through them. Like I said at the time, he should’ve gone to Specsavers.

'The good people of this city were frightened to step outside when it was going on. The police told us to walk in zig zags to avoid being shot. But some of them took it further and decided it was safer to move in more complicated ways. Several of my friends adapted dance routines from Les Miserables just to get to work.'

A retrial is now likely. However, for now, Muhammad Muhammad remains on death row. He will have to choose between lethal injection and the electric chair. The electric chair is $49.99, providing he signs up before 31st March. The lethal injection is $69.99, but is less painful and can be supersized for only 30 cents more.

Guantanamo Five Return from Captivity

2004-03-10T00:02:00.000Z

Michael Schipper at Heathrow Airport

Five Britons held in Guantanamo Bay on suspicion of terrorist offences, were flown home yesterday and declared on landing ‘We’re bigger than Jesus!’.

The Fab Five, who became so popular in the US that the President didn’t want to let them go, were greeted by thousands of screaming girls as their jet touched down.

Holidaymakers were surprised to learn they’d shared the same flight as the five celebrities. Thomas Mitchell, fresh from a Cuban polo tournament, said: ‘What a smashing idea to bring the boys home. I’ve always liked them.’

Jill Baker, mother of two from Margate, was also excited: ‘I said to my husband Norm, “You know what Benjy, I think I know those lads.” And he said to me “Don’t be so ridiculous, you don’t know them." So I said “I do – it’s the Beatles!”.

‘Then he says to me “They aren’t the bloody Beatles! How many times must I tell you there were only four Beatles? Ringo, Paul, John and George!”

“And Maude. You’ve forgotten Maude. You always forget Maude”, I said.

‘And so I looked at them again. You know what, I felt such a fool - Norm was bloody right! It wasn’t the Beatles, it was the Jackson Five. So I tapped one of ‘em on the shoulder; he told me his name was Shafiq. I told him I remember Jermaine, Tito, Marlon and Michael, but definitely not Shafiq.

‘I asked them if they had any big hits lately, and Shafiq said “yes - a couple in New York a few years back.” ’

But the waiting fans didn’t see more than a glimpse of their idols as police surrounded the plane and escorted the five stars to their five star hotel, where Five Star were waiting to greet them.

A statement was released by the boys this morning. They said it was ‘the worst holiday we’ve ever had’ and vowed never to book another Club 18-30 package to the USA again. At the time of booking they weren’t aware that 18-30 meant the number of years you can expect to be imprisoned for, rather than your age group.

They said it only dawned on them how long they’d been away when they sat down to watch Neighbours yesterday and realised the characters were the same, but all the actors who played them had changed. Except for Harold Bishop.

Dec: My Pain

2004-03-09T00:02:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Ramsgate

One of the creatures who presents I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here, Dec Donnelly, revealed today the break up of his relationship.

The loveable Geordie spoke briefly of the split from his long-term girlfriend, Haroldine Fricker. Although no details were given, it's believed the relationship ended after Donnelly became obsessed with the word 'caveat'.

'He was never entirely sure how to pronounce it', said one source close to the star. 'Should it be 'caveeet', or perhaps the more flamboyant 'cavee-at'?

'He spent a fortune on speech therapists and linguists, but they all differed in opinion. One even advised him to buy a newsagent, which he did, but that didn't help. He would often come home from work and mutter 'caveat' to himself for hours on end.'

The final straw for Haroldine came when she was out shopping with a friend and a grand piano fell on her head. Haroldine survived, but her friend was crushed by the pianist.

'Of course, Haroldine never blamed Dec for the accident. How could she? He wasn't involved in any way. But she found it a very stressful time and decided to leave.'

Donnelly, 28, is due to begin work on a new series of 'I Didn't Know She's Fifteen!' on Friday.

Ant: My Joy!

2004-03-09T00:01:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Scunthorpe

Pop Idol host, Ant McPartlin, was delighted today to learn he's not left handed.

The presenter was told the news by doctors after undergoing weeks of hospital tests. 'Ever since I was a kid I've been using my left hand for everything. This explains why I couldn't write properly, why I had trouble cutting food, even combing my hair was a problem. I was virtually an invalid.'

Close friend, Dec Donnelly, had seen McPartlin struggle for years and advised him to seek help. He said: 'It's great news, I always suspected he was right handed and I've been proved correct!'

One drawback is that McPartlin will now need to re-learn how to hold a microphone with his right hand. However, this should be easy: he already admits to not being very good as he was originally taught by camels.

Joy as Graduate Reveals 'I'm a Spy!'

2004-03-08T00:01:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Warmington

George Cathaway, 21, is pictured smiling after he became the first person to be recruited under the new scheme for rapid expansion of the intelligence services.

The Warmington youngster rang MI5 after seeing the job advertised in the shop window of his local Post Office. 'I was looking for cleaning work or maybe some lawn mowing - you know, something to keep me going after leaving uni - then I saw the spy ad and knew it was the job for me.'

The qualities MI5 are looking for seem well suited to what Mr Cathaway has to offer. They require "flexibility and ability to cope with frequent disruption to their life" and "ability to anticipate and show good judgement". The new graduate passed with flying colours: 'That was easy - in the interview I just told them about the time I had a dodgy curry - that was frequent disruption all night. I showed good judgement and mis-timed my run to the toilet only once.'

Candidates for the £21,497 to £24,837 post must also be "able to blend into the background easily". 'I should be quite good at that', said Mr Cathaway. 'My lecturer at uni always said I was very good at blending into the foreground, so I guess it's just a case of me stepping back a bit.'

However, there was some disappointment for the new recruit after he was refused his first and second choices of agent number: 'I really wanted to be 007 but I was told another agent had it. Then I asked to be 118 118, but then someone said that's the new number for directory enquiries. I'll think of one eventually. They said I can have any number apart from those two, but when you think about it there aren't that many to choose from.'

David Blunkett announced last week an increase in MI5 staff by fifty per cent to tackle the terrorist threat of al-Quaeda. They are also expected to come down hard on old ladies who steam stamps off envelopes in order to re-use them.

George Foreman Says 'No'

2004-03-07T00:01:00.000Z

Doug Ramone in Nebraska

Ex-boxer, George Foreman denied today the new version of his Lean Mean Grilling Machine would also be an MP3 player.

He moved to quash rumours after being overheard at an industry event that he wanted to 'grill Apple'.

In today's statement he said he'd been misquoted and was not about to rival Apple's iPod. 'I was really hungry at the time and wanted to 'grill apples - maybe with butter and a few shakes of cinnamon'.

He said that adapting the cooker to play music was 'technically challenging' and didn't think the demand was there for people to listen to music and do grilling on the move - yet.

However, Mr Foreman did reveal that the next version of the grilling machine would be better at cooking fish, and would also come with its own built-in ironing board.

The New London Journal Pop Vox - We Ask You!

2004-03-06T00:01:00.000Z

This week we ask Giles Collinger and Lesley Matthews, their views on life in London. Giles is a sound engineer from Penge. Due to a record number of court appearances, he has become accustomed to having his image drawn rather than photographed.

Lesley is a bus driver, but is restricted to driving single decker buses only, because she suffers from narcolepsy.

NLJ: How was your day yesterday?

Giles: Terrible. I woke up and found my living room had been turned into a Starbucks franchise. They wanted me to start work straight away as a barista.

NLJ: What did you say?

Giles: I refused. I don't know anything about the law.

NLJ: I see. So then...

Giles: I was in despair. I retreated to my bathroom to hunt for some headache pills, but found it had been leased to Boots.

NLJ: Very handy if you wanted headache pills.

Giles: No, not handy. I'd already bought some and had put them in the bathroom cabinet! The sales assistant wouldn't let me behind the till so I had to buy them back.

NLJ: Oh dear.

Giles: Quite. Worse was to come.

NLJ: Worse?

Giles: Within minutes, Boots began to diversify. They started selling cameras. And sandwiches. You can imagine the furore this created at Starbucks who had also decided to stock sandwiches. The two parties soon came to blows and began pelting each other with biscotti. Yes - Boots sold those too!

NLJ: How uncouth. Biscotti?

Giles: Yes, it's Italian for 'stale biscuits'.

NLJ: I escaped from the house covered in crumbs. At the train station I asked for a return to London Piccadilly. I handed over £5 and was handed back a cup of coffee. 'Where's my ticket?', I asked. 'Sorry, we're under new management. In the next three minutes we'll be a Starbucks,' he said.

NLJ: Lesley, how was your day yesterday?

Lesley: Fine.

Weekly Film Review

2004-03-05T00:02:00.000Z

This week our guest reviewer is German vicar, Hans Herrman. Herr Herrman has lived in England for over fifty years and is currently helping to exorcise an ice cream van being haunted by a poltergeist from the Weimar Republic.

The Passion of the Christ

Heil! The New London Journal asked me to take a look at this new movie from Herr Mel Gibson. And what a movie it is!

The story concentrates on the last twelve hours of Christ's life. Originally, Gibson wanted to expand this to focus on the last thirteen hours but, as we all know, Jesus slept late that day and a man sleeping doesn't make for very good cinema!

So, the last twelve hours it is. Gibson's boldness in correcting some of the historical inaccuracies that have become common currency in the story of Christ is amazing. For example, biblical records reveal there was no 'last supper'! Simon the Zealot - in all his enthusiasm - forgot to book a table at popular kosher eatery, 'The Sandals of Time'.

So in the film, Gibson has the disciples turn up at the restaurant on the off chance they can get a table, but the waiter tells them to come back the next day at lunchtime. They do, but Jesus is delayed by a leper. By the time they are all finally together, lunch is no longer being served and they can only have afternoon tea. Jesus and his twelve disciples must make do with their 'last cuppa'.

It's this first scene in which we understand how Christ's life begins to unravel. Judas Iscariot was asked to bring wine to the restaurant but times were hard for a carpenter in those days - so many had entered the profession of late - and when he went to the supermarket he found he didn't have enough money to pay for it.

When the disciples hear there will be no wine, they are sorely disappointed. But there is a surprise in store yet! Up steps Jesus who turns a water carafe into a bottle of Blue Nun. The disciples are delighted, except Judas who is seething and ashamed.

The film is one of the most brutal I've seen. Later, we see Jesus having to carry his cross for miles and miles. This scene attracted a lot of controversy in the US but what do people think happened? That he hailed a taxi? There were no taxis! However, the cross does look very heavy and you would have thought someone driving past could have offered him a lift.

Jesus walks to the top of the hill with several other prisoners. It's not long before they are racing each other. I won't tell you who wins but let's just say 'don't bet on the white guy'.

So, will this film stir up hatred between Christians and Jews? It depends entirely on where you sit in the cinema. I had a very tall Jewish man in front of me, and for much of the film I had to lean to one side to see the action. If that's the case, then yes. It will.

Bring your handkerchiefs, the ending's a veepie!

Mutu: My Chelsea Hell

2004-03-04T00:01:00.000Z

Michael Schipper at Stamford Bridge

Chelsea striker, Adrian Mutu, claimed today that fellow players at the club have made the last two months the toughest of his footballing career.

The ex-Parma star said he's been subjected to cruel taunts ever since he joined the club and this was now affecting his form. Amazingly, these taunts have not come from opposition fans, but from his own team mates.

The Romanian exclusively revealed the problem to The New London Journal: 'It always happens when I turn up for training or arrive at the ground just before a match. I go into the dressing room and one of them [another player] says to me "Hello Mutu!".

'It's nice to be welcomed, but why do they have to say it in a voice identical to the one used in the Motorola TV ads - "Hello Moto!"? Once one person has said it they all start saying it. It drives me bloody mad, "Hello Mutu!", "Hello Mutu!", "Hello Mutu!", "Hello Mutu!", "Hello Mutu!"... [Adrian mimicked his team mates in this way for a full fifteen minutes. There is not enough space to reprint it here.]

'Certain players have taken great delight in teasing me in this way. I won't name them here because that wouldn't be professional, but John Terry does it and so does Scott Parker. Yeah, that's right - Parker - the so-called quiet one. I won't tell you what I think of him because that wouldn't be professional, but in Romanian, the word I'd use is 'cunt'.'

The £15m man added: 'And they don't just do it at the ground either. They take it in turns to phone my house and then hang up. My four-year old son answers and he repeats everything that's said to him anyway. Now I've got him running round the house saying, "Hello Mutu!", "Hello Mutu!", "Hello Mutu!"... [Adrian mimicked his son for ten more minutes.] I wish Motorola had never made those bloody ads!'

John Fanshawe, Chairman of the Chelsea Football Club Supporters Union Association Group, said that Mutu had brought the problem upon himself. 'Well, what does the lad expect? He comes along, scores some great goals, and then he goes and launches his own handbag collection (modelled above). Yes, they look good but shouldn't he be concentrating on football? He's opened himself up to ridicule.'

But Mutu defended his collection: 'They're not handbags, they're satchels! And they're not a distraction, they help me to focus. And where I come from they're considered to be very stylish, and compact too with nice zips. Claudio [Ranieri] has told me he wants one.'

The Chelsea manager declined to comment on the story.

Ex-Footballer Collymore in Sex Scandal

2004-03-03T00:01:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Cannock Shopping Centre Car Park

Stan Collymore admitted yesterday that he's addicted to sex in public with musically-gifted strangers.

He became interested in 'dogging' - meeting people for sex in short-stay car parks - after seeing a programme about it on Open University two years ago. 'It was late one night and I'd been doing DIY the whole day. Most of it was spent on sanding down my neighbour's doors. After I finished he said I should have asked first. He had to get his car resprayed.

'Feeling guilty, I made myself watch Open University as punishment. That's when I heard about dogging. Later that evening I found myself in Tesco's car park having sex with Laura who worked on aisle nineteen. It was a thrilling high and I also got to find out where the talcum powder had moved to.

Collymore said he did this another 'dozen or so times', but stopped because it was very difficult to get a parking space at 5pm on a Friday.

But the BBC Five Live commentator resumed his hobby when he met some fellow doggers at a party. 'I swapped mobile numbers with Nancy and David (pictured right). We met in an Iceland car park the following week. I pulled up in the space next to them and was surprised to see they had instruments.

'They explained the rules of 'musical dogging'. It's like musical chairs, but when the music stops you have sex with the person who's lap you're sitting on.

'I got Nancy. We had to keep the same rhythm as David's accordion playing. He started off a bit too quick with A-Ha's 'Take On Me': Nancy went red and began to stiffen, so he slowed it down with 'Candle in the Wind' by Elton John. Also, knowing the maximum stay in the car park was ninety minutes was an added thrill.'

Collymore now faces an uncertain future in his personal life. 'I know I've hurt my wife and family but I will make it up to them. If I go dogging at Tesco's car park again, I'll ask if it will earn me ClubCard points.'

Peter Andre and Jordan: 'We're Together'

2004-03-02T00:01:00.000Z

By Michael Schipper

Peter Andre and Katie Price (aka Jordan) have given an exclusive interview to The New London Journal, their forty-first since coming out of the Australian jungle.

The lovey-dovey pair, who met on the ITV game show ‘I’m a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!’ talk about their jungle adventure, their heated romance and what’s happened since they’ve been back.

* Have the two of you been seeing a lot of each other lately?

Katie: With all the newspaper fuss it’s been really difficult to find the time to see Peter, but yeah we’ve been out once or twice…

Peter: …although there was no contact between us for the first two weeks, even though I tried phoning her.

Katie: That was your fault though. I answered the phone and you hung up.

Peter: Because the person who answered said ‘Hello, Gordon speaking.’ I thought I had the wrong number.

Katie: So that was you? I said 'Jordan', not 'Gordon'.

* Peter, what attracted you to Katie?

Katie: Go on, let’s hear it.

Peter: People expect me to say the obvious, but I’m not shallow. Sure, I like her smile and her sweet nature. But having spent two weeks with her out there, I really got to appreciate her great pair of hamoongers.

* Did you know she was a glamour model before you went into the jungle?

Peter: I didn’t know anything about it, but with bambillos like that it’s only right that she is.

* You say you prefer the natural look - Katie without make-up - but what about the other parts of her that aren’t real?

Peter: I can make an exception for those pahooglers.

* Is there anything you’d change about each other?

Peter: With bazoolers like that, why not get two more? Maybe she could have them just underneath the one’s she's got. Scientists can do amazing things these days. I saw a picture of a mouse with a man’s ear growing on its back once. Maybe a mouse could carry Katie’s new wahooglers. It would have to be a big mouse though. Or maybe a puppy.

Katie: Peter has an ingrowing eye which will get worse if he doesn’t let a doctor see it.

* So what really did happen in the jungle? Did you kiss?

Katie: We were just whispering to each other under the canvas. I was seeing Scott at the time so had to behave myself.

Peter: Ahhh come on, that’s not quite true. There was some lip contact. It was quite a steamy night.

Katie: Ok, maybe some.

Peter: We were cuddling in the same sleeping bag for a while. I tried fingering her. I thought she was really enjoying it because I heard her squeaking. Then I realised I had my finger up a rat’s arse.

* Were the conditions unpleasant?

Peter: The rat’s arse was.

Katie: You get a lot of creepy things crawling over you. I thought I had one of those tarantino spiders on my thigh one night, but it was Lord Brocket’s hand.

Peter: The food wasn’t great either.

* Speaking of the food, are you glad you didn’t have to do the Bushtucker Trial?

Katie: God yeah. I felt sick for Jennie Bond when she put those fat worms in her mouth.

Peter: But she had some practice. In the first week, Mike Read lowered his left testicle into her gaping mouth while she was sleeping. It was quite impressive – we dangled him from a tree. She didn’t wake.

* Have you slept together yet?

Katie: Not yet, but waiting makes us want it more.

Peter: I agree. But if Katie won’t, then her sister will. And if her sister won’t, then her mother will. And if her mother won’t, then her grandmother will. And she has arthritis which hinders her movement, so there’s no escape.

New Evidence Supports UN Bugging Claims

2004-03-01T00:01:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Westminster

The New London Journal has obtained dramatic transcripts of a conversation between former Cabinet Minister Clare Short and the UN Secretary General, Kofi Annan.

The leaked documents offer proof that Ms Short was correct when she claimed last week that British spies had bugged top UN officials in the run up to the Iraq war.

The bugging took place during a charity dinner in New York in January 2003. The device was hidden inside a Ferrero Rocher chocolate, a common delicacy at diplomatic receptions.

The conversation appears to have taken place in a corner away from other guests. The dinner had finished and drinks were being served.

[Recording begins.]

Short: Would you like ‘coffee’, Kofi? [Laughs]

Annan: Clare, please. That is the third time you've made that joke today.

Short: I thought you didn’t hear me the first two times.

Annan: I did. I was ignoring you.

Short: Oh Kofi, you’re not being ‘short’ with me, are you?

Annan: [Mutters] Give me strength.

Short: I’m just trying to liven the place up a bit. It’s a right stuffy bunch here tonight. Have you tried talking to that one over there? Could only get three words out of him.

Annan: It is a charity dinner in aid of autism!

Short: Who are autism? Never heard of them. That Placebo lot are good though. You like them, don't you?

Annan: No - Placiiiiiiiido. Placido Domingo. Opera.

Short: Are you going to eat that chocolate or what?

Annan: I would if I wasn't constantly interrupted.

Short: If you haven’t got time to eat it I’ll have it. Here, give it to me. [Sound of a scuffle taking place.]

Annan: Will you please take your hands off me. I’ll have it later. For now, it goes in my pocket.

Short: It'll melt.

Annan: I will take the chance. I'm going to the toilet.

[Annan departs, we hear him enter a cubicle. One minute passes.]

Annan: Hnnnhhhhh. Hnngggggghhhh. Bloody hell, I knew I shouldn’t have had that second pork chop. Fnnnnnngh. When will you learn, Kofi? Ok…here we go…hnnnghhnghghnghnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhngh. Shit, shit, shit. It’s stuck half way.

[Sound of a second person entering the toilets.]

Short: Hello Kofi? Kofi dear. Hello?

[Sound of knocking on cubicle doors, one by one.]

Annan: [Under his breath] Oh no.

Short: Hello Kofi, I just wanted to make sure you’re alright. You’ve been quite a while.

Annan: Clare! Yes, er…I’m fine. Just a little busy right now.

Short: Ah, you’re in that one.

Annan: Hnnnnnnnnnnngh!

Short: What was that?

Annan: What?

Short: That noise. Like someone having their hand squeezed in a vice.

Annan: Nothing! Look, it’s really not right for a woman to be in the men’s toilets.

Short: Don’t worry Kofi, they won’t notice. I've been using these urinals all evening.

Annan: Oh.

[Sound of a 'plop', recording ends.]

The transcripts are a fresh embarrassment for the Labour party and signal a new crisis for Tony Blair. The Prime Minister is now almost certain to order a review of the Official Secrets Act to prevent similar leaks, although any expected change is likely to be a secret.

Thought of the Day

2004-02-29T00:01:00.000Z

Many of today's celebrities are either gay...

...Canadian...

...or both.

170 Factory Staff Lose Jobs Over Tart

2004-02-28T01:08:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in York

A randy boss's obsession with a fruit tart has cost 170 workers their jobs. Love-struck Paul Smee splashed out over £3m on the dessert, which he picked out from the chilled cabinet on aisle nineteen of his local Sainsbury's last June.

He lavished expensive gifts on the sweet-tasting food, buying it a diamond-studded refrigerator and taking it away for romantic weekends to Barcelona and Rome.

But the cash used to seduce the tart was stolen from the sausage design firm that Mr Smee owns in Yorkshire, building it up from scratch in the early 1970s to a thriving company of 170 employees by the end of 2003.

Life-long friend, James Cannon said: 'He's always had a thing for desserts. I remember once at a dinner party he was served with a slice of Black Forest gateau, but he refused to eat it. He just sat there lightly running his spoon over the sponge.

'Several times, I saw him at a local restaurant with apple turnovers. One thing he liked doing in particular was smothering them with cream and slowly licking it off.'

Ex-wife, Jill Sanders, was surprised to learn Mr Smee had so much money. 'The firm was in a great deal of trouble when he first started it. They wanted to bring in all these radical designs for sausages but they just proved too difficult to manufacture. They wanted to make a pork and leek one in the shape of Windsor Castle, but the turrets never came out right and you could only fit one in a packet.

'The best one they came up with was a venison sausage in the shape of a double helix, you know, like DNA.

'But he was never much of a husband. I thought he was seeing a woman behind my back called Claire. It was only after all this came out that I realised he was seeing an 'eclair'. I should have known - I saw the chocolate marks on his shirt collars often enough. I thought he was just a messy eater.'

Business partners knew him as a doting father. Despite the break up of his marriage ten years ago, he claimed to spend the weekends with his children. But he was easily led astray during that trip to the supermarket in June, by the tart's promise of less than '10% fat' and 'only the freshest ingredients'.

The firm is now on the brink of bankruptcy and the staff have been told they won't have jobs next week. Mr Smee faces jail after being convicted of theft, fraud and lewd behaviour in public.

In a new development, police have removed the hard drive from his computer and are believed to be examining it for photographs of unbaked puddings.

New Cure For Bird Flu Fails

2004-02-27T00:01:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Yangoya

Last week, poultry farmers began to treat their stock with extra strength doses of Lemsip. But health officials in Thailand were disappointed to learn yesterday that the radical cure for bird flu has so far failed to work.

Lee Fo Hook owns a small farm west of Bangkok and has over three thousand chickens. 'My wife and I spent four days and four nights feeding the medication to the birds. It shouldn't have taken so long, but each one has their favourite mug.

'Initially, we thought the treatment was working. After a day or so, most of the chickens seemed more spritely and were laying plenty of eggs. That didn't last long; they soon started sneezing again. We can't afford to keep buying them boxes of tissues - they only ever want the expensive ones with balsam.'

The Thai government has refused to allow scientists to begin work on an expensive new vaccine and are encouraging farmers to try the blackcurrant flavour of Lemsip instead.

The news comes after fears the virus is spreading. On Monday, agricultural scientists confirmed that three cats had contracted the disease. However, there was good news when Terence Conran, founder of Habitat, confirmed the virus cannot be passed on to soft furnishings.

Charity Worker to Sue TV Channel

2004-02-26T00:01:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Philadelphia

A celebrated charity worker is to sue a Philadelphia news channel after it accused her of being a criminal during a primetime report.

Eugenia Austin was interviewed by PhilNews in early February after she successfully raised over $3m for the Lightbulb Foundation. The charity gives aid to people too short to change lightbulbs and have a fear of stepladders (known as Edison's Disease). It supports the development of buildings with low ceilings and long-life lightbulbs.

The station approached Ms Austin to take part in a new feature called 'Philadelphia's Finest'. The recording passed off uneventfully, but when the report was screened in the evening, she was horrified to see that the wrong caption had been used, naming her as a shoplifitng suspect (above).

Mrs Austin began raising the money in 2000 after meeting her future husband at a beard trimming conference. 'We began talking and he told me he had Edison's Disease. I didn't think anything of it until he invited me back to his apartment after our first date a few weeks later.

'I asked him to turn on the lights, but he just refused. I thought he was trying to be romantic, so I tried flicking the switches but all of the bulbs were blown. Then I remembered about his condition. He told me that he'd spent the last ten years living in darkness because of it. My heart went out to him and so I decided to help.'

The fundraising finished four years later at the end of January. She raised the money by being sponsored to ignore her husband and have no physical or verbal contact with him. 'There were times when I wanted to speak to him so much', she said. 'I remember on one occasion he stepped out in front of an oncoming taxi. I wanted to scream, but I bit my lip and said nothing.'

Mrs Austin hopes to sue PhilNews for $1m, most of which she is planning to donate to the charity. 'The rest will be used to take care of my husband, who is wheelchair bound.'

A PhilNews executive expressed regret at the incident but said it was a common technical error. He recalled the caption during the BBC's infamous interview with Mother Theresa , which referred to her as a 'charity wanker'.

Could Margaret Fool You?

2004-02-25T00:16:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in London

Margaret Lemming, 42, (pictured above) has had sex with eight different men over the last six weeks. Nothing unusual about that, but look closely at the pictures. Come on, closer than that. Notice anything unusual about her, apart from the rope around her neck? Give up? Here's the answer: if you look very carefully, you will discover that Margaret is really a man.

Margaret is the star of the new Channel 5 reality show 'Have I Got Nuts For You', in which she is challenged to seduce a man, make love to him and not give away her true gender identity.

So far, viewers have been hooked on the series. Yesterday, we took Margaret out onto the streets of London to see if she could fool even more men to add to the tally of the eight she's tricked already.

We shared Margaret’s secret with Ron Bailey, of Guildford, Surrey, and he said: I’m so shocked. I’d never have guessed she was a man.

The 36-year-old casino clerk added: 'Normally the hands or chin give it away but there are no tell-tale signs with her. She looks like the perfect woman.'

Shoe buffer Alex Kidzoff, 27, from Poland, said: 'I would never have been suspicious but, now you have told me, I do think she’s got quite heavy facial features for a woman. But I definitely would go on a date with her, she probably has soft balls. If not, I could buff them.'

Paul Redford (above), began dating Margaret after the series ended. He was seduced by her in the third week of filming. 'We had a meal in a restaurant then went to a bar and began drinking heavily. I was on vodka and cokes, she was on Baileys. It was a mad night: I think I downed about three in the space of four hours.

'I knew things were too good to be true when I got her back to mine and straightaway she wanted to do anal. I was a bit surprised. I'd only invited her back for a game of Connect Four, but she didn't seem interested in that. I even suggested we play Lord Netherington rules [which allows the player with the red chips to win by placing only one in a row, although the player with yellow chips must start first] but again she refused.

'So we ended up in the bedroom. I thought things were a bit odd because she insisted on having the lights off and only letting me take her from behind. Oh, and she didn't like me grabbing her cock either.

'Still, I love her all the same, even if she does give me high blood pressure. Maggie gets me so horny I have to wear a bumbag over my crotch whenever we go out. I've had it since 1991 and I wear it all the time. It's waterproof too so I can go swimming with it, although it can weigh me down at times.'

With the money earned from the programme, Margaret hopes to have the final operation that will make her a woman. Former boxer, Chris Eubank, has offered to buy her penis.

New Blair Witch Film Panned By Child Groups

2004-02-24T00:01:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Los Angeles

The familiar close up of a brightly lit face transfixed by fear. The heavy breathing and jerky hand-held camera. It could be any normal family home movie. But it isn't. The exclusive picture above is from Blair Witch 3: Babyville.

The summer blockbuster is directed by newcomer, Bill Silverstone, cousin of Batman star Alicia. The film follows exactly the same plot as the first Blair Witch movie, but all the characters are played by babies. Critics who have viewed early cuts of the film welcomed it as a breath of fresh air but said it was light on dialogue.

Family groups in New England, where the film was shot, have decried the use of babies and claim they are being exploited. Pat Conan, of the Baby Care Society, called the film 'a pointless experiment'. She was particularly unhappy with one scene, where the babies are made to lug heavy camera equipment across a stream by crawling over a log.

However, the film did represent a breakthrough for one adult: Eric Cantona makes a guest appearance in his fourth Hollywoood feature. He plays a tree.

NASA Scientists: Spirit Goes 4-3 Up!

2004-02-23T00:04:00.000Z

Michael Schipper at the Kennedy Space Center

One half of the NASA team responsible for the land rover mission to Mars was celebrating last night after their car, Spirit, finished first to win the latest race between the two rovers. Spirit now leads Opportunity by a single heat in the best of eleven contest.

The remote-controlled vehicles have spent over six weeks on the red planet, running a total of seven races. The latest one was by far the closest, with Opportunity finishing only three minutes behind the winner over a two-mile course.

The team that wins the contest overall stands to claim a $50 prize. Electronics expert, Doug Andersen, has worked on the Mars project for over seven years. The first of those years was in 1932. 'It will be fantastic if we beat the Opportunity guys. I've taken nothing but shit from them on every occasion that I've worked here, but we've got them by the balls now.'

However, NASA critics have accused the space agency of wasting US taxpayers' money. So far, the rovers have achieved little in the way of scientific exploration. But Mr Andersen was quick to defend the scientists operating the vehicles 'Two weeks ago, Spirit drilled a hole in a rock. That was two days of consecutive drilling and when we finished it was only 0.3 inches deep. We learned much from this, such as the density of the rock and the many different elements that make up its composition.

'Also, we learned that it's very dull. At one point I stabbed my hand with a compass just to stay awake. We were delighted when Opportunity landed safely, it paved the way for some excitement.'

The next race will take place on Wednesday evening, allowing time for the cars to recharge their batteries using the solar panels.

The New London Journal's Guide to Careers

2004-02-22T00:01:00.000Z

With Michael Schipper

About ten minutes into the end credits of Tom Cruise’s latest film, The Last Samurai, you’ll see that someone has a job as a Horse Wrangler. The gentleman’s name is Phil Smith.

When I did work experience at school, I had no idea the job of horse wrangler existed, or horse whisperer for that matter. Ten years ago everyone was looking to work in IT and now it’s horse wrangling. I went out for a drink last night and couldn’t move for trainee horse wranglers. There was a group of horse whisperers drinking quietly in the corner.

The ‘priority seat’ on the tube used to be reserved for pregnant women and the elderly, now you have to give it up for horse wranglers.

I flew to San Francisco last week. The passenger in the seat next to me had a heart attack. I alerted the air hostess and she screamed out ‘Is there a horse wrangler on the plane?’. There were three.

Watching the credits, I noticed that no horse whisperer was used in the making of the film. The movie had a lot of horses in it, surely there must have been a need for a horse whisperer at some point?

Or maybe the role of horse whisperer can be performed jointly by a horse wrangler. Why then didn’t Phil Smith insist in the credits that he be referred to as a 'Horse Wrangler and Whisperer'. Maybe they are two completely separate disciplines, or maybe the role of whisperer is only a junior one, and it’s merely one of the courses you need to pass before becoming a fully-qualified horse wrangler.

If that’s the case, then it would be humiliating to have the title of Horse Wrangler tarnished by the word ‘Whisperer’ in the credits too.

If you would like to be a horse wrangler, then get in touch with your local Horse Wrangling Centre. You can usually find one next to a Starbucks.

Thought of the Day

2004-02-21T00:20:00.000Z

At what point do companies decide that a product is too big to sell in a box?

I saw an enormous cardboard box in someone's driveway yesterday. It must have been ten feet tall and four feet wide. What did it contain? A fridge-freezer, or a coffin perhaps? Turned on its side, it would have looked like a very small ski chalet.

Cars aren't sold in boxes, neither are buses because they're both too big. Hookers normally come in pairs so you can't fit them in a box.

And by that same token, if a product is too small how does a business know whether it merits its own box or not? Soap is very small and that comes in a box - why's that then?

Pacemakers are very small too, and yet they come in boxes. Just look at the man in the picture with his new pacemaker and the box which the surgeon forgot to remove.

When will industry share this great box secret with the public?

Weekly Film Review

2004-02-20T00:01:00.000Z

This week’s guest reviewer is Doug Le Toire, a dress designer from Notting Hill, who makes clothes for the elderly from the orange netting used to hold satsumas and clementines.

The Last Samurai

The year is 1874. The place is Japan. The issue is power. The drink is Babycham. Tom Cruise plays Randy Price, a buck-toothed buccaneer sent to Japan by the US government to find the last samurai. At first, the purpose of the mission is unclear but it later transpires the Japanese warrior owes Abraham Lincoln five dollars.

Price knows his search will take him the length and breadth of the country. Foolishly, he shuns the high-speed rail network in favour of a donkey. He roams the countryside for seven months but only succeeds in meeting the last of the Mohicans and the writers of The Last Tango in Paris. In one heart-stopping moment he does meet a samurai, but it turns out to be the eighteenth one, not the last.

Finally, he meets the last samurai two months later. The samurai offers him a twenty dollar note, but Price only has change for a ten. The mission a failure, he returns to the US where he is highly decorated but the donkey is sold into slavery.

Kelis Runs into Trouble Over Milkshake Factory

2004-02-19T00:05:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Kentucky

Pop star Kelis is famous for having the best-tasting milkshake in her home town of Kentucky. Over the last two weeks, the unique flavour has brought over six hundred boys to her yard to try it.

However, local government officials have been forced to crack down on the singer after neighbours complained of unruly behaviour. If found guilty, Kelis could be facing 120 hours of community service, or the chair.

To add to her woes, the Kentucky Chamber of Commerce has accused Kelis of unfair competition for selling soft drinks on premises without a licence. Chamber member, Saiful Patark, runs the The Milk Sheikh (above) across the road from Kelis' house. 'I remember Kelis when she was a kid. She'd be out on the streets selling old-fashioned lemonade. That was fine by me, I didn't make lemonade. Now she's started doing milkshakes and ever since then I haven't been able to get a look in. Last month this place would have been crammed with male youths, but look at it now. Empty.

'Even worse, the boys who used to come here are getting abusive. They rat-tat-tat on my door in the middle of the night and shout "Damn right, it's better than yours." My family and I can't take it anymore.'

Mr Patark has spent the last few weekends preparing new flavour milkshakes to win the boys back. 'I've got Cranberry & Sultana, Pineapple & Potato and even Lamb, Mint & Banana - without the banana. We shall see how it goes. With all the boys gone, I may even have to consider allowing girls to drink here.'

Kelis' agent refused to comment on the star's drinks venture, but hinted that the singer also had plans to introduce a new range of ready-made meals for one.

The Kelis Taste Test

2004-02-19T00:01:00.000Z

Is Kelis' milkshake really that good? We decided to put it to the test by asking one lucky Londoner, Ryan Naseby, to try several and see how they compare. Ryan is currently living homeless in London after running away from his family home in Surrey. He's on the missing persons list, but don't worry Ryan - we won't tell your parents where you are if you won't!

Kelis' Milkshake - $1.95

Wow, this is really great! The strawberries and the papaya work so well together. And it's so creamy too - that must be the breast milk. I can't wait until my next glass, it will certainly take some beating.

Tesco's Finest Smoothie - £2.49

A tad expensive, but tasty nonetheless. I couldn't drink a lot as it has too much sugar for my liking, and it's only got a twenty per cent fresh fruit content. Kelis' had sixty-four per cent, maybe that's her secret.

Mr Patark's Butterscotch & Beefshake - $1.75

Hmmm. No. I don't like this at all. I see he's tried to undercut Kelis by being twenty cents cheaper, but you can tell the quality's not there. The butterscotch doesn't quite work with the beef, and the whole ensemble is just far too salty. I don't like the way it bubbles when you leave it standing for longer than three minutes.

Mr Patark retorted: 'This is an insult! Why would hers taste better than mine? I can't understand it - I use only the freshest semen!'

New Evidence Emerges in Cockle Picking Tragedy

2004-02-18T00:01:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Morecambe

The New London Journal was told of new evidence today that casts doubt on the police’s theory that nineteen cockle pickers fell victim to the fast-rising Morecambe Bay tide a fortnight ago.

An independent autopsy authorised by one victim’s family showed traces of highly toxic pickled peppers on the cockle pickers fingers. Poisonous pickled peppers have been found growning in Morecambe Bay since the late 1970s. Unfortunately, they look exactly like cockles.

Toxins expert, Prof. George Cutts, said that poisonous pickled peppers paralyse prey within a matter of minutes. ‘The cockle pickers must have picked a peck of pickled peppers. Unbeknown to them, one pickled pepper is extremely poisionous, so a peck of pickled peppers which the cockle pickers picked would be fatal.

‘I’m highly perturbed that a pack of cockle pickers has picked pecks of pickled peppers without knowing the dangers that picking a peck of pickled peppers can bring. Any cockles picked would be contaminated too. If I was a local supplier of cockles, I’d be extremely wary of purchasing contaminated cockles from cockle pickers who may have picked a peck of pickled peppers.’

The cockle contamination may now be widespread. Town Mayor, George Washington, said that certain questions needed to be answered. ‘What we must ask now is if the cockle pickers have picked pecks of pickled peppers, how many pickled peppers have the cockle pickers picked?’

Tories Outline Plans to Save £35bn

2004-02-17T00:01:00.000Z

Harry Lamb, Political Correspondent

The shadow chancellor has unveiled complex plans to save the British taxpayer £35bn over the next six years.

Oliver Letwin said the Tories would cut taxes and still meet Labour’s pledges on public spending, including putting a toilet attendant in every London nightclub by 2007.

He announced that Tory MPs had spent the last five years collecting points on Sainsbury’s reward card scheme. The points could pay for three new hospitals, two thousand new doctors, or could be redeemed for one return trip to Hull (weekdays only).

Yet, embarrassingly it was leaked that several MPs had collected Tesco’s ABC points by mistake.

Other cost-cutting plans included building bus shelters with much lower roofs and banning sushi bars from installing conveyor belts, which Mr Letwin condemned as ‘a waste of electricity.’

A spokesman for Yo! Sushi, the successful kaiten chain, said if the Tories take power in the next election, they would make the customers revolve around the food instead.

Mr Letwin delivered yesterday's speech to an empty room to save money on tea, coffee and biscuits for guests.

Labour sceptics poured scorn on the ideas. ‘Lower bus shelters are ok for shorter people, but what about the really tall ones that use public transport?’, one commented.

UPS to Review Operations in India

2004-02-16T00:01:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Bangalore

Worldwide courier, UPS, announced a sweeping review of it’s Bangalore delivery centre after another horse was left dangling due to overloading yesterday.

The accident happened during heavy traffic as UPS workmen attempted to load the cart with bricks. As the final box was heaved onto the cart it suddenly tipped backwards causing the horse to fly wildly up into the air.

The horse and driver were due to deliver their consignment to the University of California by midday today. They were not expected to make the next-day delivery promise and UPS are to consider offering a full refund.

The courier, Patender Gopaul, almost broke his neck as the horse bucked. ‘My family will be horrified. My friends will be laughing at me. I have brought a great shame upon us all. And what about poor Hoopy - he didn't sign up to be treated like this!’

A University of California spokesman said it would be the last time they order bricks from India and would probably turn to an American supplier instead. The Californian Brick Company, next door to the university, was said to be interested in pitching for the contract.

UPS admitted that in a similar accident a horse has been left treading air while the rescue team tries to work out how to bring it safely to ground. It has been dangling since 1994.

Local resident, Gargy Kipoor, said he often saw the UPS horses struggling to pull the heavy loads. 'Sometimes they move very slowly,' he said 'but still, they are much more efficient than the dolphins. They just flapped around in the dust and didn't move an inch.'

The New London Journal's Valentine's Special: The Love Train (Part 2)

2004-02-15T00:02:00.000Z

With Alan Bunton

Hello Internet Daters!

Welcome back to the second part of my Valentine's special. Lots of you have been asking recently about what creates a special bond between a man and a woman. Usually, I find that handcuffs do the trick, or in some cases, Hepatitis C.

If you still haven't got your loved one a Valentine's Day present, then you better be quick about it! You don't need to spend a lot of money, it's the thought that counts. Remember at the end of the film 'Seven', when Gwyenth Paltrow wanted to be with Brad Pitt so much, she cut off her head and sent it to him in a box? Why not do that too? You only need to pay for postage and package, although you may want to help someone wrap it for you.

Read on for some more of your Tube love messages...

***

There is this young Asian girl who gets on the train every day from 4.30pm to 4.31pm. She is white, cute-looking and smells of peanuts. I don't know her name. My mate Ricky thinks she looks like a 'Sonia', although I think she's more of a 'Zoobrakis'. I think I've overheard her friends call her 'Dave'. She left her umbrella on the train once, so I grabbed it, chased after her and tried to hand it back. She said it wasn't hers. Someone banged angrily on the train window and gestured in my direction as the train left the station. To this day, I still don't know why.

Mark

***

You are on the Central Line when I get on at Bond Street between 17:30 and 17:45, and your destination is Northolt. Sometimes, if the train is crowded I deliberately block your route to the door. You may remember me from last week: I was the girl lying on the floor in front of you. Like a gentleman, you stepped over me, then turned and kicked me in the head. I hope I have this bruise forever - you're wonderful!

Julia

***

You are a sexy bitch! I see you get on at Oxford Circus at six o' clock. I get on a few stops before you, so I get a seat. Ha! Sometimes you stand in front of me while I sit - I'm the one holding an onion. I watch your boobs jiggle with the movement of the train and fuck me is that hot! I have taken a few upskirt shots of you on my camera phone. I hope that's alright. If you don't like them you can buy them back - I'm selling them on eBay.

Jason

***

If you recognise yourself here, then leave a comment below and I'll set you up on a date.

Tara,

Alan
xxx

The New London Journal's Valentine's Special: The Love Train (Part 1)

2004-02-14T00:01:00.000Z

With Alan Bunton

Hello Internet Daters!

How has your love life been since we last spoke in January? Mine has been nothing but full of excitement! I met a very sexy pub landlady who had her nipples pierced. I took them in to be done last Tuesday. That reminds me - I must give them back to her.

It's Valentine's Day today and this is one of the few times of the year when you can find love without having to pay for it. You don't need any mistletoe either and you can leave the iceberg lettuce at home too. I once bought some mistletoe from a very helpful man in Camden. He was such a joker, he even told me to smoke it!

Lots of you have written in asking me to help you find that sexy man, woman or boy you've seen on the Tube on the way to work. I've printed some of your messages below. If you recognise yourself, post a comment with your email address and we'll cook you up a date. Look out for more of these in the future!

***

We see you every day walking down Richmond Road, Kingston between 8am and 8.15am. I wear a purple coat and my friend wears a white one. Last Friday you were wearing a green coat but you are usually in your long, black coat. We passed an elderly woman in a beige coat once. She was walking a little Jack Russell: it was wearing a tartan coat.

We are doing our GCSEs and when we're older we want to be vets. Janine has had sex for real. You have recently started smiling at us which really brightens up our day. We just want to tell you that you're hot. You look like a shorter version of Will Young but with black hair. Oh, and your chin's not as big either.

Melissa and Janine

***

I don't see you often enough because you must start work at a different time to me. Either that or your boyfriend is banging you in the arse in the mornings which is making you late. And don't tell me you haven't got a boyfriend. I see him pick you up from work on Wednesdays, and then you both go to Fitness First in Slough. When I see you on the train you are half asleep. I slipped a note into your handbag one morning with my number on it. Why haven't you called?

Trevor

***

I see you most mornings! You get on at Harrow-on-the-Hill and off at Eastcote. I find that strange because you work in the Post Office at Harrow-on-the-Hill: I know this because you've shortchanged me on more than one occasion. I forgive you though because you have a sexy limp. We spoke once too! It was the very first time I used the Tube. The train came to a halt alongside the platform and the doors opened. I was having no luck boarding it and then you came along. You noticed I wasn't standing in front of the doors and was trying to get on through one of the windows. I felt so foolish. Luckily you were there to rescue me, otherwise I'd have been late for my first day at work! Say 'Hi' when you next see me. Excuse my dog breath.

Tina

***

Readers, be romantic and have a beautiful day! Don't worry if you're single, there's always next year. Or death.

Lots of love,

Alan
xxx

Children Culling Begins

2004-02-13T00:12:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Pennsylvania

The second weekend of February approaches and it's time for the children-culling season to begin. The ever-popular event, which just seems to get bigger each year, will take place from 14th-15th February in Pennsylvania.

Event organiser, Chad Riley, was expecting a big turnout. 'Last year over 10,000 families turned up and we're expecting double that this year.' Prices range from $5 for a newborn to $60 for a teenager. Children aged over sixteen are considered to be adults and are not eligible. As usual, the entrance gate to the event is disguised as Disney World.

The event is sponsored this time by Coco-Cola and Gap, who last week anounced plans to axe children's clothing in favour of the elderly person's market. New Gap shopping trolleys are expected to go on sale in June.

However, there was disappointing news when Riley announced previous sponsors, McDonald's, will not be attending. 'We didn't think it appropriate, as they've added fresh fruit to their kids range of products now. And salads.'

Amnesty International and the NSPCC both expressed concern when told of the event, and said they are planning to disrupt it.

Tickets and flight packages are available through the Abergavenny branch of TicketLord on 01372 991 674. If booking by phone, swallow three laxatives, eat a large curry and then go for a ten-mile jog in your underpants to qualify for a 10% discount, courtesy of The New London Journal.

Thought of the Day

2004-02-13T00:10:00.000Z

I was in America recently. Every third person I met was a Vietnam vet. How many vets does one army need? No wonder they lost the war.

Kellogg's New Special K Advert Revealed

2004-02-12T00:19:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in London

Kellogg's are to relaunch their Special K brand cereal this spring, with a new £4m ad campaign. TV spots will run for three months in ITV's fat show, Celebrity Fit Club.

The New London Journal was invited to the filming of the ad and was granted permission to print the script below. One Kellogg's marketing executive said that although the ads were new, the cereal would remain unchanged and therefore flavourless. Hence, the need for an advertising campaign.

Kellogg's Special K (April 2004) - Final Script:

It is a typical ‘Special K’ advert setting - early morning meditterranean chic. The scene takes place under a clear blue sky in a bleached white holiday apartment. The camera focuses on two flats next to each other, the balcony stretching across both with a divide in the middle.

An attractive woman in her late twenties is exercising in her white bikini to syncopated music. Close-up shots of her body show smooth, tanned skin and elegant lines.

She stops exercising and retreats into her apartment for a shower. Meanwhile, the camera pans right to witness the glass doors of the adjacent apartment slide open. An unshaved man in a blue dressing gown stumbles onto the balcony and squints in the sunshine.

The woman returns to the balcony from her shower and drops a plate loudly onto a glass table.

Man: Hey you!

Woman: Do you mean me?

Man: Yeah you, yer cunt. What the fuck are you pissing about on the balcony for? It’s 5.30.

Woman: I always get up at this time.

Man: And start wanking about on the balcony?

Woman: I do my exercises, yes.

Man: Yer fuckin’ woke me up, yer radio’s too bloody loud and now yer banging plates about.

Woman: I’m sorry, but I’m making my breakfast.

OFF-SCREEN SOUND FX: Baby crying.

Man: And now you’ve woken up the fucking baby.

Woman: Oh dear.

Man: What?

Woman: I appear to have run out of milk. Could I borrow some of yours?

Man: Can you borrow some milk? After waking me up at 5.30? No you fucking can’t. Now piss off.

The man steps inside his apartment and slides the door shut with force. The camera pulls back. His dressing gown gets caught in the door and as he steps forward it slides off his shoulders, to leave him standing there naked.

VOICE OVER: Don’t be a cunt - eat Special K!

Kerry Moves a Step Closer to the White House

2004-02-11T00:04:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Michigan

Presidential candidate, Senator John Kerry (above), was celebrating last night after taking Louisiana. Supporters of the Vietnam veteran praised him for his dogged determination and fighting spirit. He then went on to take Mary, Mercedes and finished with their mother, Leanne.

It was a night of double celebration for the self-made millionaire who's hoping to win the right to challenge George W Bush in the November election. He won fifty-two per cent of the vote in the Democratic caucus in Michigan, which was a surprise to many of Mr Kerry's rivals. It later emerged that due to a spelling error they'd been competing for the vote of a carcass in Michigan. The dead animal was later identified as a caribou.

Former frontrunner, Howard Dean, was particularly irate when he heard of the mistake. 'I can only put this down to mismanagement of the campaign at my HQ and will fire all those responsible.' Even worse, the caribou snubbed Dean by failing to visit any of the six polling stations set up within a three-hundred yard radius from it's decaying body.

An increasingly confident Mr Kerry, 60, was also tipped to win in Wisconsin next week. Democrats have been impressed with his sharp attacks on President Bush and his imaginative policies. One such proposal is to give all grazing cattle pink slippers. If this proves unfeasible, he hopes to give the green light to a manned mission to Mars.

Confusion Over Hunt for Weapons of Mass Destruction

2004-02-10T00:01:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Basrat

The New London Journal can today reveal that the US team spearheading the hunt for Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction has spent the last ten months searching for badgers.

The confusion arose at the very beginning of the search mission when military scientists faxed Lead Inspector, Kent Cunningham (left), a picture of the weapons he was supposed to be hunting. It now appears that Cunningham picked up the wrong fax.

Commenting to a London journalist, Cunningham admitted he was surprised when the fax arrived. 'I was expecting to see a document with diagrams of sophisticated warheads. You know, missiles mounted onto the back of transporters, uranium rods and caravans kitted out with bio-chemical units. But instead I got a picture of a badger. I waited fifteen minutes, but nothing else came through.'

US military insiders expressed dismay at the news. 'We feel like ten months has been wasted, why would he have thought we wanted to find badgers?'

The Senate called for President Bush to sack Cunningham immediately, but badger-fan Bush was reluctant to do so. 'They're great little creatures, I wanna find as many as we can. And just what do they know about Bin Laden?'.

Fame Academy's Lemar: Now I'm About 70/30

2004-02-09T00:01:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Epping Forest

Fame Academy loser, Lemar Obika, announced this morning that if he was to take his Driving Theory Test tomorrow, he'd probably get about seventy per cent of the answers correct.

This is an improvement on last month when he rated himself only 50/50, which was also the title and subject of his second single. That song, which reached No. 5 in the charts, was a public attack on his ten-year old brother for refusing to help him revise:

Come on bro' -
You said you'd test me
I need to pass -
Can't pay for taxis
Hey man - don't try to kiss me
Right about now I'm 50/50

After studying in his room for five hours a day over the past four weeks, Lemar was in confident mood that he'd soon reach the eighty per cent mark needed to pass the test. 'I feel it's really coming together now. Back in early January I couldn't have even told you if all the cars were meant to travel the same way around a roundabout. But I did some research on the internet and also travelled around on buses and I think I've got that question sussed now.'

David Sneddon, winner of Fame Academy in 2002, wished Lemar the best of luck but also revealed the R 'n' B singer has an unusual disease which may hamper his performance. 'He should do well, as long as he can reach the desk. He suffers from a rare disorder which means he's compelled to lean right back into a chair whenever he sits down.'

Lemar passed his cycling proficiency test earlier last year on his thirty-second attempt, but turned to driving after his BMX was stolen outside a newsagent.

The New London Journal's Business of the Week

2004-02-08T00:10:00.000Z

Matthew Lampton, Business Correspondent

Above is a picture of The Curtain Alteration Shop in Barnet, the winner of this week's award. My wife and I went there last week to have our living room curtains altered because they were too long. They had them ready for us within the hour. Now we have matching pairs of trousers.

Owner Joyce Rosing takes pride in offering value for money and a high speed service. It's this strategy which has seen the business expand in a small but significant way: over the last ten years Joyce has overseen the acquisition of an extra waste paper basket and a water cooler.

The shop only does alterations for curtains. You cannot buy new curtains at the shop, neither can you get them dry cleaned or get custom ones made here.

Ms Rosing feels more comfortable accepting alterations for blue curtains, especially ones brought to the shop in a blue car. Alterations for yellow curtains are only accepted on Tuesdays and cost fifty per cent more because they bring her out in hives.

Mate or Date?

2004-02-07T00:45:00.000Z

This week on 'Mate or Date?' we ask Russell Gilbury of Ryman Way, Stoke Newington, if he'd rather be doing the following activities with a mate or a date.

Fishing: Mate
Cooking a meal: Date
Re-tiling the bathroom: Mate
Attending a local book group: Date
Having a conversation about Britney Spears: Mate
Re-setting all the electronic clocks in the house after a power cut: Mate
Trimming a man's moustache: Mate
Trimming a woman's moustache: Date
Fondling earlobes: Date
Following a stranger home from the tube to their front door: Mate
Looking at a chair: Date

The New London Journal's Missing File

2004-02-06T00:21:00.000Z

Have you seen this man? We haven't. That's because he's missing.

He's believed to be Glasgow reverse engineer, Prof. Arthur McKinsey. Well respected in his profession, and with two loving wives, both of Arthur's families are surprised that they've not heard from him for over three weeks.

This picture was taken by one of his students last March, in his research lab above the KFC in Mullion Road, Tooting. Being so close to the fast-food takeaway, Prof. McKinsey was often asked by his students about the promotions they had on offer. One of his students enquired as to how large the Mega-Bucket Feast was this month, and in this instance, McKinsey replied 'This fucking big.' He was known to his students for his sarcastic sense of humour, horribly twisted right leg and bleeding knee, which never seemed to heal.

As the photograph shows, he was not a dapper dresser and often had difficulty finding trousers to fit his deformed limb. His mother believes he's returned to Scotland and fears for his safety on the fashion-conscious Glasgow streets, when sometimes a well-cut pair of trousers is all that keeps a man from taking a beating.

Blogging: Behind the Scenes

2004-02-06T00:01:00.000Z

Imagine your blogging partner has left you and you're struggling to post on a daily basis. Is there a song you can sing to plead with them to come back? Yes, there is. It's the old Police hit 'Bed's Too Big Without You', adapted slightly.

Blog's too big without you
The blog's too big without you
The blog's too big
Without you.

Timberlake Infuriates Fans with Second Grope

2004-02-05T00:03:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Idaho

Pop singer, Justin Timberlake, infuriated sports fans again yesterday by fondling a champion dolphin at the Idaho Animal Diving Contest.

The inappropriate incident took place at the fiftieth anniversary of the US event, which has a global audience of over forty-five million.

Timberlake, who was referreeing the competition, immediately went to congratulate Pippin (pictured right) after he completed a twenty-feet dive from the springboard. However, the rules strictly prohibit any contact between officials and competitors before the dive has been scored by the judges.

The singer ran his hand along Pippin's spine, causing both himself and the dolphin to become aroused.

Timberlake, fresh from his groping of fellow artist Janet Jackson at Sunday's Super Bowl, refused to apologise for the incident.

Animal diving enthusiast, Mary MacArthurs, who had paid over $67 for her seat, was one of the many fans who walked out in disgust.

Jane Matthewson, who paid only $4 for her seat, and was sitting next to Mrs MacArthurs, phoned the New London Journal to register a complaint. 'Hello? That there the London Journal? The new one? You listen up. It's seven hours since Justin be fondlin' that fish and he's got ma kids goin' stir crazy. I got Corey in the kitchen strokin' the tortoise, Marybeth is in the pool lyin' on top of the crocodile and Jolene is out back lickin' the wolves.'

Event organsiers said Timberlake would not be invited back next year.

Music industry insiders believed the Jackson stunt was to promote the career of the female singer who has suffered flagging record sales since announcing her decision to grow a scrotum.

Thought of the Day

2004-02-05T00:01:00.000Z

Why is that you always throw litter in someone else's bin at work and never your own?

German Cannibal Gets 10 Years

2004-02-04T00:31:00.000Z

Ben Jacket, Cannibal Correspondent

A Berlin cannibal was sentenced yesterday to ten years imprisonment after killing and cooking a fellow German.

Armin Miewes (pictured left), 42, posted messages in internet chatrooms in the hope of meeting someone who would volunteer to be eaten.

He struck up a friendship with key witness Hans Herral, 26, who was one of the first to reply. At the trial, Mr Herral recalled the occasion they spoke on the phone to discuss the arrangement.

'I remember he was very excited at the time. He was boasting that he'd received over four hundred replies to his advert. He was absolutely delighted! Only the week before I advertised in Loot for someone to share my flat and received only two responses. This is despite the fact it has a garden and is very spacious.'

Miewes' eventual victim was Martin Gellberg, 24, who ran his own stapler repair company in Stuttgart. He inherited the business from his father and opted to specialise in fixing ones that had jammed.

The jury was told how Mr Mellberg allowed Miewes to slice off his testicles and then fry them in garlic. 'It was an excellent first course, which we shared. However, as I served them up there was an awkward moment, but Martin quickly diffused it - I think his exact words were "No no, Armin, you have the larger one." '

Defending himself, Miewes commented that finding a good restaurant that cooked people was 'so hard these days', and spoke fondly of a visit he once made to the KFC in Tooting Broadway in 1983. Miewes confessed to the jury that in committing the act he had fulfilled a fantasy held since childhood, and admitted it could have happened much earlier in his life if only his request had been accepted by Jim'll Fix It.

The judge, although appalled by the act, said that Miewes was not a total savage because he does own a waistcoat and would have given him a much longer sentence if he hadn't used a knife and fork.

Is This the World's Unluckiest Mathematician?

2004-02-04T00:18:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Paris

Yesterday was the birthday of Gaston Julia, a celebrated French mathematician who devised formulae for building fractal shapes. Fractals are pretty things that change colour and sometimes have whole programmes devoted to them on Open University at 2.33 am. Beyond this, they are of no use to anyone, but can make eye-catching wallpaper and screensavers.

Born in 1893, he had an interest in mathematics and music from a young age. His studies were interrupted at the age of twenty by a constant urge to go to the toilet. He was enlisted to fight the Germans in World War 1, which experts now believe was the first of the world wars.

In one operation on a cold and stormy night, Gaston and his regiment were bombed in a surprise attack. Gaston escaped relatively unharmed - except he had his nose blown off and had to wear a black leather strap across his face for the rest of his life. Sneezing was painful.

Gaston continued to get bad hayfever in hot summers. Winters were not much better: he became a teacher at the Joope Primaire Ecole and his mischievous pupils would compete against each other to see who could make him sneeze the most by sending him elaborate bouquets of flowers.

To make matters worse, ten years after the incident Gaston's eyesight deteriorated, which meant he had to wear glasses. They were constantly slipping off his face. He was an intelligent man, but it never occurred to him to wear goggles.

Surgeons wanted to attach a new nose to the hapless patient, but often there was a shortage of donors. One promising donor was dismissed by Gaston because he thought the nostrils too hairy.

Several attempts were made at giving Gaston false noses. The first operation, in 1925, was a success at first, until doctors realised they had sewn it onto his left arm. A second operation was performed in 1936, which saw a glass nose welded onto his face. It proved too heavy and unnaturally caused the patient to be constantly looking down at the floor. This was a problem for the professor who was a keen cyclist; he trialled the nose for two weeks but had it removed after running a red light and colliding with a milk float.

The third and final operation took place in 1934. This was a full two years before the second operation and historians have yet to explain this anomaly. The third nose was lighter; it was carved from balsa wood, but again proved to be unsuccessful. Gaston failed to varnish it regularly, which was a terrible error of judgement for someone so fond of walking in the rain.

He died on March 19, 1978 in Paris. He was 85 years old.

New Training Programme for Gay Porn Stars

2004-02-03T00:54:00.000Z

Michael Schipper in Texas

Benny La Rue, Pard Humpernickel, Ricky Rogers, Simon Cowell: many gay porn actors are now established household names. However, some of them it seems, are going back to school. Acting school.

The American Gay Porn Association has launched a new training programme to introduce a more realistic acting style into gay sex movies.

Committee Secretary, Ronald Donaldson hoped many people would see an improvement over the coming months. 'We're taking a lot of time with the smaller things to try and get the feel of the movie right, like facials. Many of the guys weren't taking it at the right angle, so we told them they gotta practice. Now we got guys taking facials from cows, chickens, even aardvarks. All heights and all angles are covered.'

Although not a compulsory course, once the actors have finished they will receive a certificate, and are more likely to be cast in the best roles.

Weekly Film Review

2004-02-02T00:54:00.000Z

by Michael Schipper

Ben Affleck plays Bob Collins, the best 'reverse engineer' in the business. A reverse engineer is someone who takes something to pieces in order to find out how it works. Also, it means he can repair toilets backwards, and at a very cheap price (although this is only alluded to in the film).

Collins is asked to take on a secret project by an unnamed corporate entity. Two months into the task, Collins receives his second paycheck and takes the time to examine it. Much to his irritation, he realises he's on the emergency tax code. 'For fuck's sake!' he moans. He returns home and digs out his first paycheck: he's on the correct code for that one, so what's going on?

The rest of the film is about Collins' wranglings with his company's finance department. They sympathise with his plight, but ultimately can't help him and advise him to contact his local tax office. Affleck excels as a man paying too much tax.

Schipper's Original Miscellany: Technology

2004-02-01T00:17:00.000Z

A woman's dress size versus the number of hours she spends per week in an internet chatroom.

0 hours...Size 8
1 hour...Size 10
3 hours...Size 12
10 hours...Size 14
18 hours...Size 16
30 hours...Size 18
45+ hours...Requires a specialist clothing retailer.