The New London Journal Pop Vox - We Ask You!
This week we meet Jane Custard, a health and fitness instructor at Nathan's Jail of Fitness in Dagenham.



NLJ: You look happy. How long have you had your haemorrhoids?

Jane: About two months, but it's only really ballooned over the last week or so.

NLJ: Do you think it's a viable alternative to conventional seating, like an armchair?

Jane: It's convenient if you're waiting for a bus or something, but I'm scared it's going to burst.

NLJ: Don't press down on it like that then!
12:14 AM

 
Disabled Man Embarks on Basketball Career
Mike Schipper in Lancashire



A man who's lost all use of his legs made his controversial debut in the Lancashire Basketball League last night.

Terry Fellows, 21, suffered paralysis in his legs following a gas explosion in his mother's home last April. He survived the explosion but was run over by a fire engine that raced to the scene.

It was a tragedy for Mr Fellows, a talented player, who had just been selected to play for England in that summer's European Basketball Championships.

Confined to a wheelchair he didn't dream that he'd be playing again. 'I was at my lowest ebb, my legs were useless and I hated sport.

'But I was being pushed around the local park in my chair by my brother some months later when I got a football kicked in my face by some lads playing nearby. I picked the ball up and chucked it back to them - it was then that I rediscovered my love for throwing.'

Mr Fellows trained hard for nine months, rejoined his local team, the Lancashire Bashers, and started playing again. His dedication in training saw him being selected for last night's game by manager Bobby Ferret.

'He's the best three-point shooter I've ever seen', said Ferret. 'He just kinda lays on his back and throws the ball over his head but they always seem to go in. He's a non-walking miracle.'

But not everyone has welcomed Fellows back. Graham Croft, who's lost his place in the team following Fellows' return, is particularly angry. 'When I heard the news I thought it was a belated April Fool's joke. The man can't bloody use his legs. The opposition players just dribble around him.

'Admittedly, sometimes he does disposess them but that's only because they trip on his feet as they go past. If he wants to slam dunk, all of the other players on the team have to lift him. That leaves no one in defence.'

And trip they did. Fellows scored twenty points last night as the Bashers won 118-117 against the Spitfires, but was cautioned for felling Zane Williams as he was about to score (pictured above).

12:01 AM

 
Birthday Cards Anger Office Worker
Mike Schipper in London Bridge



An executive at management consultancy PricewaterHouseCoopers is suffering from stress after spending all of his time signing colleagues' birthday cards.

Arthur Conway, 34, who has been with PWC for fifteen years, is seeking compensation from the company, claiming the culture is creating unnecessary work.

PWC have a policy that says all employees much sign each other's birthday cards. 'This would be fine if it was a company of fifteen employees,' says Conway, 'that would mean you sign a card about once every four weeks. But PWC employs over eighty thousand people.

'I get 220 cards a day to sign delivered to me via internal mail. It's the same for everyone else. It's ludicrous!'

'Most of the cards I sign are for people I've never met. For example, I don't want to appear rude but who the fuck is Remmy Marvel? Is it a man or a woman? What do they do? I found out that Remmy is PWC's photocopier repair man in Indonesia. He's a contractor and has been working with us for two months.

'Why does he deserve a fucking birthday card?'

Mr Conway claims the system is inefficient. 'It takes so long for everyone to sign the card that by the time it's done, a full year has passed and it's time to sign the card for their next birthday. There's only one guy at PWC called Paul Burrowfield. I signed his 2003 birthday card yesterday and his 2004 birthday card today.

'At the end of the day it's just too much work and if you're the last person to sign the card there's hardly any space left to write.'

Mr Conway is seeking £10,000 for aggravated stress caused over a five-month period.
12:13 AM

 
Boffins Invent New Blue Suit
Mike Schipper at Birmingham Polytechnic



Clive Wallis and Mervyn Matthews look like two ordinary fun-loving students, but they're not. Although these boffins appear to be standing rather casually in the photo above, they are in fact straddling the old and new worlds of suit design.

The two physics post-graduates have devoted the last ten years of their lives to discovering exactly what a suit is. Their conclusion: it's a set of matching outer garments, usually consisting of a coat with trousers or a skirt.

With this new-found knowledge, the pair have set about re-designing it in order to spark a style revolution that will help even the most unlikely of individuals to find a girlfriend.

'It came about on the morning of St. Valentine's Day in 1995,' says Clive. 'I'd just finished opening the fifth card from my mother and I thought to myself "There has to be another way".'

'I was doing the same', says Mervyn. 'I'd spent thirty minutes opening Valentine's cards from Clive's mother too and I was thoroughly depressed. I knew it couldn't continue like this.'

The Birmingham scientists then hit upon the idea of creating a garment that would never fail to attract the opposite sex.

Clive didn't have much luck at first: 'We did some initial research and found that people find lederhosens sexy. I bought one and wore it around some Birmingham clubs, but only seemed to attract men.'

'But we found that a suit worked wonders in enticing women,' says Matthews. 'And we found the colour blue works best of all. Also, something that amazed us was that this particular colour blue matches every other colour - so the typical two-piece can be discarded. You just need the jacket.'

More years of research revealed further answers for Clive: 'We decided to have our names embroidered in white lettering on the right breast pocket. That way a girl knows your name before she's even spoken to you and you don't need to worry about those hard-to-think-of ice breakers.

'It's been really popular with the girls. I've had two dates so far and I've only started wearing it this week. I've thrown out the rest of my wardrobe, although I kept the door handles.'

If successful, Gucci are said to be interested in meeting the two unlikely designers. Should the innovation fail to take off they're hoping that a side project they've been working on - a superconductor that makes walls invisible - will attract investors.
12:01 AM

 
Me & My Car
This week we invite Milwaukee resident, Jade O'Brien, to tell us about her car.



'I inherited this old Volvo from my Dad. He was a great man, but he died last year in a canoeing accident.

'He was racing his close friend, Horace Bigelow, when he struck a rock which threw his canoe against Horace's. Poor Horace didn't have time to break his stroke and he ended up ramming the oar down my father's throat.

'Horace didn't realise until fifteen strokes later; he noticed the oar was feeling very heavy.

'So that's how I got the car. My Mom doesn't drive it. She's too scared and says the brake pads are worn but it doesn't bother me. Most of the routes I take are uphill, so I don't really need to break anyway.

'I'm not crazy about the colour but it means I don't have to clean it. And it reminds me of the first time I got laid in it. Yeah me and Duke, have been together for over six months now. He comforted me a lot when I was going through all of that with my Dad.

'Things started getting weird with Horace a few months back. I came out of work and found him sitting in my car and he was crying. I don't know how he got the keys. He said he felt so guilty about Jimmy (my Dad) and said he was always sticking his oar into things that he shouldn't.

'I forgave him but then he tried to kiss me. I didn't like that. His wife didn't like it either - she was in the back.

'I think I'll always have this car. It looks really great in the summer with the windows down.'
12:01 AM

 
Stigmata Woman is a Hoax
Mike Schipper in Boston



A Boston woman who claims to suffer from stigmata wounds is likely to be a hoax, say religious and scientific experts.

Stigmata is the spontaneous manifestation of bloody wounds on a person's hands, feet and forehead - similar to the wounds of the crucified Jesus. Those who describe stigmata categorise these experiences as divine or mystical.

Ruby Cortez, who says she's had the wounds every year for the last twenty years, came under scrutiny after she appeared in a local paper with her wounds over the weekend.

Eagle-eyed reader, Kelly Seltzman, noticed that Mrs Cortez had only one wound - a nosebleed. 'It didn't look very divine to me,' said Ms Seltzman, 'and I don't remember the part in the Bible where Jesus gets a nosebleed.' She asked her local church to investigate.

Ms Cortez was further embarrassed when her son, Corey, came forward to reveal her secret. 'She just likes being in the paper, that's all.

'I see her do the same thing every year. She ties a piece of rope to the fridge door and yanks it real hard so it slams in her face.'

Maxillofacial consultant, Dr Kate Sonnet, confirmed that a nosebleed injury could indeed arise from such an impact. Mrs Cortez's church accepted her son's story as proof of the hoax.

Mrs Cortez was deeply upset the cause of her injuries has been called into question. 'I bleed because of my faith. Everyone knows Jesus had terrible sinus problems. I have thrush too. Are you seriously going to tell me that Jesus didn't have thrush either?'
12:14 AM

 
Mate or Date?
This week on 'Mate or Date?' we ask vet Paul Revvie of Pulster Avenue, Highbury, if he'd rather be doing the following activities with a mate or a date.



Watching Arsenal Vs Spurs: Mate
Watching Spurs Vs Arsenal: Date
Counting to fifty: Date
Glassing a stranger: Mate
Visiting Glasgow: Date
Secretly filming your neighbour: Mate
A trip to the London Dungeon: Date
Turning your basement into a dungeon: Mate
Hunting for someone to chain up in your new dungeon: Mate
12:01 AM

 
Thought of the Day


What will happen if, as predicted, the world succumbs to nuclear war and the only creatures left on Earth are cockroaches?

The list of great civilisations will look like this: the Egyptians; the Greeks; the Romans; the Two Ronnies and Cockroaches.

Cockroaches will become further and further advanced until they have a society to equal ours; one day there will be a cockroach equivalent to chat show hosts Richard & Judy.
12:01 AM

 
New Desk Design to Be Investigated
Mike Schipper in Reading



Murray Fielding sits proudly at his desk at his family-owned fruit chopping business. But something's amiss, and it's not that Mr Fielding's tie has been stolen. Rather, the desk is far too high.

The Furniture Association of Great Britain (FAGB) is to launch an investigation into the height of desks after a number of businesses, like Mr Fielding's, claim to have been sold ones that are too high off the ground.

James Worthington, Chairman of the FAGB, said they'd received a record number of complaints about the matter: 'Normally when it comes to desks, the biggest complaint is that they wobble.

'One man committed suicide because his desk wobbled so much. He hung himself from a light in his house. To prove his point he stood on the wobbling desk as he tied the rope around his neck, but he didn't need to kick the desk away, he just moved to one corner, it tilted and left him swinging.

'I was with the Police when they removed the body. The desk had three legs measuring three feet in length, but one of the legs was only one inch long. I felt that man's pain when I saw it.

But desk height in general is something we haven't come across until now.'

The Fieldings have been chopping fruit for over five centuries now, their newest client being McDonald's who then pack the fresh fruit into little plastic bags. The desk incident has come at the wrong time: just as the company aims to move into the fruit picking business.

'This has really set us back', said Mr Fielding. 'I've got secretaries who can't type out contracts because they're too far from the keyboard. I've had many people coming to me saying they're really having to strain themselves to reach the F keys. This has led to a twenty per cent decrease in productivity.'

However, one of the companies that supplied the desks may have hit upon a short-term solution. 'We strongly suggest that people who are unhappy with the height of the desks raise the height of their chairs.'

The FAGB hope to report their findings to the Health & Safety Executive by 2027.
12:01 AM

 
PlayStation 3 to Debut in June
Mike Schipper in Barnet



Barnet-based electronics giant, Sony, has announced a new PlayStation console (above) will be launched this summer.

The PlayStation 3 is a departure from the current trend of increasingly smaller electronic devices. The new console measures six by three feet and will come as a flat pack. Sony are expected to award the fitters' contract to kitchen specialists MFI.

Some of the new features include a built-in screen and a multi-coloured keyboard. The screen will have a wiper to clear away excited gamers' saliva. The more seasoned console addict will be disappointed to learn that all of the graphics are in orange. Sony have confirmed the PS3 will also include a toothbrush holder.

However, UK gamers will have to wait until September to get their hands on it. A Sony spokesman said it's traditional for new electronic gadgets to be tested on the Japanese market first: 'The Japanese are technophiles so it makes sense to do that. Think about it: the first ever PlayStation, the Walkman, the A-Bomb - all saw first light in Japan.'

A Scottish version of the console - the PlaidStation - will arrive in shops in time for Christmas.
12:01 AM

 
Al-Jazeera Release New Bin Laden Tape, Big Bird Presents
Michael Schipper in Kuwait



Arab TV station Al-Jazeera last night screened a new video tape reported to be from Al-Quaeda leader, Osama Bin Laden.

This time Big Bird, formerly of Sesame Street, is the guest presenter. Last time round it was actor Dennis Quaid, his first role in over nine years.

In the recording, the giant bird points to the location of previous terrorist attacks, and also reveals that Al-Quaeda were behind the recent Bird Flu virus.

'Bird Flu was only the beginning. Infidels will perish! Bernard Matthews you will not see out the month! So far there have been twelve Al-Quaeda attacks. That's twelve! Can you count to twelve? Do you know how many months there are in a year? Eleven? No, twelve!'

Other scenes were shown. Normally, Bin Laden is sitting with his henchmen in a cave, making threats while eating a meal. In this one, they've already finished eating and are doing the washing up. That particular scene lasts for ten hours, proving that Al-Fairy Liquid really does last longer than other popular washing-up brands. One of Bin Laden's men has some fun by making a lot of foam and putting it on his face to mimic his leader's beard.

Only excerpts of the tape were shown, the full version will be available on Sky's new subscription channel: Terror Gold.

The tape was delivered by a motorbike courier. Once again, Al-Jazeera missed the opportunity to track Bin Laden down by asking the courier for the sender's address.


12:01 AM

 
Passion of Christ Actress: I May Sue
Mike Schipper in Watford



Debbie Doors is no ordinary housewife: she's doesn't live in a house and she's not a wife. But what is unusual about Debbie is that she spent two months of her life being filmed in Mel Gibson's blockbuster, The Passion of the Christ.

But no one will ever get to see Debbie in the movie, because director Gibson cut her scenes just before its release.

'This time last year I was working on the checkouts at the Iceland supermarket in Watford. Things were going really well for me. I'd just got a promotion and was allowed to train other staff in how to open carrier bags. I was so good that I'd stopped using my hands to do it and just used my head instead.

'Then one day Gibson strutted in to buy some pomade and saw me rubbing my head against the carrier bags. He came up to me and said I would be perfect for a part in a film he was making about Jesus.

'He said there was one scene in the Bible where the messiah's feet are washed by a whore and then she dries them with her hair. He wanted to include it in his film. He said he wanted me to play the whore - I was thrilled!'

The next thing Debbie knew she'd quit her job and was on the film set in LA. 'I thought my scenes went well. I washed Jesus' feet and then dried them, but because I have short hair it took a good twenty minutes of rubbing. I almost put by back out bending right over to rub my head against his feet.

'Gibson wasn't happy and said I was taking too long over it. Then the actor who played Jesus said he was still wet in between his toes and that an actress with long hair would at least be able to floss between them.'

Debbie spoke to Gibson earlier this year and was assured the scenes would be in the film. 'But I went to see it and they were gone! Because I'm not in it I won't get paid. And Iceland won't have me back.

'I don't have any choice but to sue, and my hair still smells of feet.'

Last night Gibson said he denied Ms Doors was treated unfairly and was prepared to defend any lawsuit.
12:14 AM

 
Powell: I May Have Been Wrong On Secret Labs
Mike Schipper in Baghdad



Last week US Secretary of State Colin Powell admitted that evidence he gave to the UN about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction (WMD) last February may have been flawed. But how flawed?

Powell's evidence concerned two so-called mobile labs which the US believed were responsible for developing chemical and biological weapons. But although the labs were spotted by satellite before the war, they've yet to be found by troops on the ground.

The New London Journal has tracked down one of the labs (pictured left) and discovered it's an organic burger van owned by Mustafa al-Yacoubi. They do wonderful ostrich steaks with cranberry sauce, but the more adventurous customers go for the dog meat.

They do fresh deliveries to the central districts of Baghdad on their BurgerBike (pictured right). Prior to the war military chiefs had believed this vehicle was a nuclear tank.

However, in a fresh twist it was reported today that both salmonella and botulism were indeed developed in the van but may have been a result of undercooking.
12:03 AM

 
Album Review: Katie Melua
By Mike Schipper



'Call Off the Search', Dramatico, £13.49

Yes by all means, call off the search. There's no need to continue foraging in the bushes, you can put away your metal detectors, let the police return to their stations after a long day of combing the fields; the worst solo artist in the UK has been discovered! And her name is Katie Melua.

Melua is the latest twentysomething singer to perform the music of a sixty-year old. It wouldn't surprise me if Melua, Jamie Cullum and Amy Winehouse were revealed to be OAP cabaret singers who'd been irradiated to look younger. Their record companies thought about pairing two of them to perform a duet, but feared it would end in a game of bowls.

Nevertheless, The New London Journal has picked out some choice tracks to review.

The Closest Thing to Crazy - 1/10

Crazy or Crazikoff, is Melua's grandfather. No one in her family's been near him for years because he smells of piss. He said his lack of bladder control is due to an old war injury, but this is from the same man that claims he invented the vagina.

Katie was the closest thing to Crazy for many of his later years. Her brothers used to lock her in a draw in his bedside cabinet.

Towards the end of the song, Melua confesses that this cruel treatment has affected her mental health. She sings of the time she barked wildly to hail a taxi instead of signalling with her hand. Crazy.

***

The Closest Thing to Lazy - 0/10

Melua follows 'Crazy' with its sister track, 'Lazy'. How lazy is close to lazy? Does it mean not changing your underwear? According to Katie, yes. Does it mean not wiping your bottom? No. But unlike the Crazy track, Melua never explores fully what being really lazy is all about. Her boyfriend could though - he told the New London Journal being close to lazy means re-using a condom after sex, and that being properly lazy means re-using a condom three weeks after sex. Think of a party balloon that's deflated and the old saliva is causing the neck to stick together.

***

Crawling Up A Hill - 0.5/10

The hill in question is Primrose Hill, north London. Crawling up it is what you do when your wheelchair has tipped over in high winds.

Melua sings sweetly about the friends she's made at her over-sixties dominoes club and their excursions to local parks. After being surprised by the wind, Melua struggles to the top of her hill where she is able to fly a bright orange kite and signal for help from a nearby cafe.
12:01 AM

 
The New London Journal Pop Vox - We Ask You!
This week we quiz Millie Palmer, 28, who lives near Clapham Junction. Millie once went hiking in the Lake District to 'discover herself': she found herself on Tuesday and then on the Wednesday discovered a dead sheep.



NLJ: Would we be right in assuming you've been on the Atkins diet for the last two years?

Millie: Yes.

NLJ: Is it working?

Millie: No.
12:01 AM

 
Sex Email Creates Fresh Embarrassment
Mike Schipper in Liverpool Street



A City worker was embarrassed yesterday to learn that a filfthy email she sent to her boyfriend has reached the inboxes of thousands of London workers.

Cath Sherman (above) accidentally hit ‘Reply All’ when emailing Alex Todd, 19, her partner of five years. The banking PA, currently holidaying on a health farm, only became aware of her error when her boyfriend contacted her last night.

Mr Todd's colleagues forwarded the email to hundreds of their friends after reading Ms Sherman's salacious comments.

"Hello Pumpy,

My mission to make myself look like George from Rainbow is going well. So far the doctors have widened my nose and dyed my skin a very pale pink - you won't recognise me when I get back. And I've met a really lovely woman here called Caroline, they're trying to make her look like Bungle.

I've been trying to call you all day but that bitch of a secretary never puts me through. I think she's still got it in for me from that time I glassed her.

Actually it's not as good here as I thought it would be and I'm paying too fucking much. They discovered what that lump under my armpit was though: pizza. Remember our first date five years ago? Let me remind you - pepperoni & anchovy.

Thank you for the phone call yesterday, you made me cum three times. It always gets me going when you tell me about your athlete's foot. I'm glad to know it's not only me that has a moist area. I think I woke up next door with the noise though. Fuckers.

Right. I'm off now to have some colonic irrigation & get my pussy shaven. They have a machine which does both at the same time. Sorry to disappoint you but I'm not going to get the Mohican done after all. It costs too fucking much, so I'm gonna get the 'Chemo' done instead. Patchy but only half the price.

Love & licks,

Cath xxXx

PS. And to answer your question - YES! But your Dad's was bigger!;-)
PPS. And to answer your other question - sometimes! But that's the mucas."
12:01 AM

 
The New London Journal's Guide to April Fool's Day


April Fool's Day is a long-standing tradition in many European countries. The New London Journal takes a look at how the different nations celebrate it.

UK

The Duke of Wolmsey was the first ever April Fool in 1293. One morning he ventured into a nearby village on horseback to collect tax from farmers who tilled his land. He was drawn to a rowdy crowd in the centre of the village. From atop his horse he could see they were laughing. 'This isn't right,' he thought, 'they shouldn't be laughing on tax day.'

He dismounted and made his way into the middle of the crowd. A burly man with a beard was wielding a large scythe, attempting to slice a butternut squash in half. He failed, saying the blade was too rough to cut even a single straw of hay. He invited the Duke to lay his neck on the wall and asked if he could take a swing at it to prove his point. The Duke agreed. He was beheaded.

At once the crowd all pointed and shouted at him 'April Fool!' It's still unclear as to why they yelled 'April Fool', because the incident took place in August.

***

France

For hundreds of years it's been the tradition in France to pin a raw fish onto a person's back, thereby turning them into an April Fool. The unsuspecting victim would walk around for many hours, puzzled at the rank fish smell which seemed to accompany their every footstep.

In a modern version of this prank, parents have been known to send their children off to school with a lorry tied to their back.

***

Germany

On April Fool's Day in Germany, it's traditional to pretend you are severely disabled. More enthusiastic participants like to imagine they also suffer from respiratory problems (pictured above).

Who said the Germans don't have a sense of humour?
12:01 PM