Gandalf Goes Shopping
Mike Schipper in Southampton



Fresh from his triumph over Lord Sauron, Gandalf tackles an enemy of a less forgiving nature - Asda supermarket.

The wizard (pictured left) was spotted early yesterday morning stocking up on his weekly supply of fresh fruit and Lambas bread.

However, the recent battles against dark forces have begun to take their toll on Gandalf. He had to be escorted to and from the shops by his local Care for Conjurors service, and was embarrassed they made him wear a name badge.

More trouble came later on as he mistook a ready-roast chicken for a Balrog on the heated meats counter, and then his MasterCard was declined at the checkout, forcing Geoffrey Durham to pay.
12:01 AM

 
Thought of the Day
Two new films, The Passion of the Christ and Dawn of the Dead. Which one should you go to see?

It doesn't matter! The plot's the same in both. In The Passion of the Christ a man dies then comes back to life.

In Dawn of the Dead lots of men die then come back to life. If you want value, go to see Dawn of the Dead.
12:00 AM

 
Man Uses Poodle to Attack Police Officer
Mike Schipper in Oakland



Traffic police who stopped a man in a Pontiac truck were subjected to a violent assault in Oakland yesterday.

The county sheriff's deputy, Paul Miller, said he tried to pull the truck over after the driver ran a stop sign at the Clarkston and Adams intersection.

As the police car approached from behind, the man slammed on his brakes forcing the officer to swerve to avoid a collision with the truck. The patrol car then ended up in front of it.

The deputy then ordered the man to leave the truck. He got out with a poodle in his arms and allegedly used it to try to attack the officer, swinging it by its rear legs at the deputy's face.

'He was ordered to put the dog down,' said Miller. But the driver then grabbed the dog by its collar and started to swing it again.

The officer used a taser gun on the suspect, but accidentally struck the dog instead. It stiffened immediately and became even more lethal as the attacker began flaying wildly.

'It was akin to having a baseball bat in his hands. I was struck across the head several times and cut my cheek on the poodle's name tag. 'Eventually we used mace,' said Miller. The man was then taken into custody.

Police found seven knives with foot-long blades in the truck. The suspect is being checked at a local hospital to determine if there were drugs or alcohol in his system.

Meanwhile, the poodle, which cannot be named for legal reasons, is in temporary quarters at the county dog pound and faces charges of being an accessory to assault.
12:01 AM

 
Gadaffi Imposter Throws Agreement Into Disarray
Mike Schipper in Downing Street



Last week's meeting between Tony Blair and the Libyan leader was a sham, claims a woman from Devon.

Helen de Rhein (above right) told reporters the Prime Minister was duped into meeting with a Colonel Gadaffi imposter - and that she played him.

Mrs de Rhein claims she was standing in the queue at her local post office when she was approached by two Libyan agents. 'They said I bore a striking resemblance to Colonel Gadaffi. Well, I'd never bloody heard of him. I thought they meant that other colonel, you know, the one with a white beard that knows a secret way to fry chicken.

'So they showed me a picture of this Libyan fella and I was struck dumb: it looked just like my dad. They said they wanted me to dress up as him and meet Tony Blair. Tony's gorgeous - how could I say no?'

Mrs de Rhein was flown to Libya the next day unware she would be walking into one of the most significant diplomatic meetings of the last decade. 'Also they paid me $1m. I thought my husband, Claus, would like that. We've been saving for the last fifteen years to buy a new garden shed.'

Tony Blair was ashen-faced at today's news conference and said the agreement between Britan and Libya has now been invalidated. He said he suspected something was wrong at the time because Gadaffi had such very soft hands.
12:02 AM

 
Surgeon Re-Instated After Soup Opera
Henry Miller in Nottingham


One of Britain's leading neurosurgeons who was suspended for eating soup while working, will return to work tomorrow.

Terence Toper (above), who works at the Nottingham Bob Hospital, says he had to eat during an operation because he was feeling faint. He was shocked when he arrived for work the next day to be told he faced disciplinary action.

'When I found out it was because of the soup I laughed,' said Toper. 'Then I realised they were being serious. It was only one bowl and it tasted of piss anyway.'

But Mr Toper's surgery assistant, Sarah Cunningham, gave a fuller account: 'The reason it tasted of piss is because it was piss.

'We were performing a complex brain transplant and vasectomy at the same time. These operations normally go on for fifteen hours. We'd finished the brain part after twenty minutes but entered the fifth hour of the vasectomy and were becoming hungry.'

Cunningham then called the canteen to see if they could deliver some snacks. 'They brought broccoli sandwiches and chicken soup. We all had some and Mr Toper commented on how spongy the dumplings were.

'But the rest of the team hadn't eaten any dumplings. I then realised that Mr Toper was eating from the patient's bed pan by mistake, and the white dumpling floating in the liquid was in fact a testicle.'

Mr Toper has so far refused to confirm this version of events.

He's been re-instated because he is one of the few surgeons in Britain that can locate the whereabouts of the brain and then transplant it, sometimes successfully.



12:00 AM

 
Wall's Balls Hit Shops
Henry Bird in Froverton



Above is a picture of delicious new food, Wall's Balls, which were launched in the UK last week. They're made by Wall's and they're balls. Would you eat a foodstuff called Wall's Balls?

The packaging says they are made from 100% sausagemeat. The question is, what's the sausagemeat made from?

The balls are approximately one inch in diameter. Last year, a Welshman called Tony Evans dropped a one-tonne ball made entirely from rubber bands onto the Arizona desert from a plane. He spent five years making it in his garden shed. It exploded on impact.

How long will it be before he unveils his ten-feet diameter sausagemeat ball that he's been creating in the Wall's factory? One month? Two months? Maybe he's ready to drop it onto Brighton beach tomorrow.

If the balls prove to be popular, Wall's plan to bring out their new range of self-delivering hot dogs, spicy (left) and non-spicy (right).


12:02 AM

 
Blair Describes 'That' Handshake


"I remember being nervous, shaking slightly. I closed my eyes - I couldn't bear to look at the wallpaper - and slowly moved my hand towards him. He too had his eyes closed. I touched his bottom. He'd been facing the wrong way.

"He rotated and we shook firmly. Then we pressed hands and shook those firmly too. His hand was moist and cool like the back of an ageing refrigerator. He released mine: I smelled it. Straightaway I was hit by the most wonderful bouquet: roses; lemon; shavings of ginger; a touch of faeces perhaps - it was all there.

"I returned my hand to my pocket. Gadaffi returned his to his deputy. The box clicked shut. We were friends."

12:11 AM

 
Crufts - Dog Doping Scandal Gathers Momentum
Will Lewis in Birmingham



The UK's top dog show, Crufts, ended acrimoniously last week amid claims of dog drugging. Nothing was proved, but two weeks on, the owner of a losing finalist says his dog is continuing to display odd behaviour.

Mitch, a 22-month old labrador, was expected to claim the Heaviest Testicles category after being a clear winner in all of the previous heats. But owners Jack and Tina Fossett suspected something was amiss when their dog disappeared hours before he was due to go on show.

A quick search of the dressing rooms found Mitch stripped naked on a bed in a dazed state, much like soccer star Ronaldo was found before the 1998 World Cup Final. Mitch came round, but as he took to the ring at the National Exhibition Centre in Birmingham, the owners claim he became abusive.

Mr Fossett, 44, from Tewkesbury, said: 'He was just not himself. I was putting his collar on and he told me to "fuck off". I'd never had him speak that way to me before. In fact, I'd never heard him speak before, my wife and I were quite insulted.

'He simply refused to allow us to put his collar on and said I had bad breath. I pulled him out of the contest and took him to the show vet.'

He was examined by Trevor Turner, Crufts’ chief veterinary officer. Mr Turner said: 'The owner was very upset and thought the dog may have been doped. When I examined him he was loud, hyperactive and had terrible breath. The dog was no better. I suspected it may have taken several aphetamines, but there is no evidence to prove this.'

Since then, the dog has become increasingly wayward. One of the Fossett's neighbours, Debbie Hutton, snapped Mitch making lewd remarks to her daughter concerning a banana she was eating. 'Chloe was startled and very upset. It was totally inappropriate - they've got to get rid of it.' she said.

The Fossetts plan to put the dog through an intensive ten-week therapy course to discover the root of the problem, then may sue the organisers of the event.









12:01 AM

 
Twins Have Surgery to Look Like Saddam Hussein
Mike Schipper in San Diego



Witness above Larry and Juan Perola's new faces. They are the San Diego twins who've undergone plastic surgery to look like their idol, Saddam Hussein.

It's a marked change for the two police officers who are being filmed as part of a new MTV series and have cast their old image aside (pictured bottom).

The twenty-six year olds have spent $90,000 each on the extensive surgery to finish a process they began two years ago.

Juan (above right), first went under the knife in May 2002. Explaining his decision to look like the famous dictator, he said: 'It was before the latest Iraq war, Saddam was still cool and ruled with an iron fist. I kinda liked that in him. Not his fist, but the fact that he was a strong leader.'

But the shorter of the two, Larry, took a different approach: 'I just did it for the ladies. I read somewhere that Saddam had over twenty wives. I thought he must be doing something right. The more I thought about it I realised what else could it be but the moustache?'

However, Larry was extremely disappointed at the results of his surgery. 'I asked for a great big moustache, one that curled down around my lips just like my brother's. But after unwrapping the bandages I saw I'd gotten a short moustache with a little tuft of hair below my bottom lip. That pissed me off, and I'm still waiting for my aviator sunglasses to be delivered. At the moment I look more like a dirty version of Rick Moranis.'

And there was more disappointment for the twins: so far no one has mistaken them for the fallen war criminal. 'I had one woman come up to me and ask for my autograph when we were out shopping. I signed it 'Saddam' and she asked me what the fuck I was doing', said Juan. 'She thought I was Tom Selleck.'

The pair hope to start their own lookalike celebrity business, but for now continue to work for the San Diego Police Department.




12:01 AM

 
Kylie: The Things I See
Mike Schipper in Sydney



Sexy singer Kylie Minogue has revealed that she can see people who are no longer living. She calls them 'the dead'.

Pop's smallest star told an interviewer she became aware of her powers during a performance of a concert in Seattle. Halfway through a rendition of her smash hit 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head' she believed she was dueting with soul man, Tom Jones. But the Welsh crooner died last month from bloodflow restriction after forcing himself into a tight pair of leather trousers.

It's not the first time that Kylie has been visited by a dead singer. Former INXS frontman, Michael Hutchence, has come to her on several occasions from beyond the grave, and sometimes when she's been standing adjacent to it.

Kylie, who dated Hutchence in 1987 said: 'I've had one particularly intense experience that let me know Michael was still around. Once he came to me to say "Hello." It was a bit difficult to make out the word at first because I was in a crowded airport lounge at the time. But that was one of his favourite phrases, he always used to say it when meeting people.

'He came to me another time because he was worried that he'd left the oven on in his apartment and wanted me to check. He had - and the souffle was ruined.'

Kylie also spoke of encounters she had recently with Barry White and Robert Palmer who both died last year. 'Barry said to me "Goodbye", and Robert said to me "Nuts!".'

But Kylie's father, Mickey Minogue, said his daughter's claims should be taken with a pinch of salt. 'Strewth! She phoned me last week to tell me she could see dead people. The month before that she said she kept on seeing the Village People and sometimes Pan's People. Just before Christmas she said she couldn't go anywhere without seeing M People. Why can't she see someone useful like Devon Wallis? I worked with him ten years ago and lent him $100. He moved out of the area and never paid me back. Cheapskate.'

Kylie is touring America to promote her new album, Body Language. She plans to use a free weekend to visit the toilet Elvis died on at his Gracelands home. He contacted Kylie last week to ask if she would flush it for him, because he never got the chance.



12:01 AM

 
Schipper's Original Miscellany: Terrorism
Names of Islamic fundamentalist groups operating throughout the world.

al-Quaeda
Hizbollah
Hamas
Islamic Jihad
Jumping Jack Jihad
Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades
Al Aqsa Boys' Brigade
al-An Smith
Jamaa Islamiya
Jamelia
Bev & Dave's Allah Appreciation Society
12:01 AM

 
The 2004 Budget - What It Means To You
Frank Fist in Parliament



Chancellor Gordon Brown surprised analysts last week by announcing several tax breaks and yet another increase in Government spending over the next year. But what does it mean for you? We asked a tax expert to look at the circumstances of several Londoners to see whether or not they'd be better off financially for the rest of 2004.

Budget Lowdown

Beer - up 1p a pint.
Wine - up 2p a bottle, 4p if served chilled.
Water - all tap water to be bottled as mineral water and charged at £1 a glass.
Cigarettes - up 8p for packs of 20.
Motoring - car tax frozen (reduced in some cases).
Gambling - tax on bets on horses with three legs to be frozen.
Business - corporation tax up by 0.25%.
Chickens - wing clipping to continue.
Faeces - will remain brown.

***

Jackie Steerhead:

Jackie is a single mother to ten-year old quintuplets - five of them. She and her family survive on an income of £3000 a year, or £3008 if it's a leap year. In between writing New Age poetry, Jackie finds the time to work as a till operator at her local supermarket. This is the sole source of her income.

Sadly, all the children have learning difficulties: they can read perfectly, but writing is made difficult as they only have one pen between them. Jackie experienced further heartache last week when doctors informed her the children are conjoined. They are joined shoulder to shoulder - this also explains why they only have two arms between them; one at each end. It now looks like the only career path open to them is stage acting, in particular the role of Wall in Shakespeare's 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'.

Our expert says:

It's bad news for Jackie. The Chancellor has just announced a tax on shirts and sweaters that have more than one neck hole. That's going to be tough on her and the kids. Also, she's going to have to start paying for the use of that chair she sits on at work. According to my notes it swivels, and Brown's just landed a tax on any manufactured items that can turn through 360 degrees.

On the plus side, there is a significant increase in the Family Welfare Credit. Jackie will now receive an extra £5 a month for every child, and as she has five, she should do well out of it. No, wait...they're conjoined. That only counts as one. Is there a loophole? Yes - they make special allowances for mothers with three nipples? Does she have three nipples? She better start checking.

Overall, Jackie will be worse off by £300 a year.

***

Brian Wilson:

Brian is a lay-by designer. He's been working for the Motorway Services Corporation (MSC) for over twenty years. The MSC is just one of many lay-by design companies in the UK. They study motorways and recommend to the government where a lay-by should be placed and what it should look like. Each company gets the opportunity to pitch a design. So far, Brian has pitched over 13,000 lay-by designs to various government ministers since 1984 and all have been rejected.

As a motorway fan, he drives a medium-sized car with a 'Baby On Board' sticker. Also, he smokes quite heavily - he only buys cigarettes which weigh 20lbs or more. He has a particularly poor dress sense and often wears a fez to the gym.

Our expert says:

Brian has no children. If you're childless and own a car with a 'Baby On Board' sticker, you'll now have to pay an extra £1 for every litre of petrol used. He should have gone for a 'Jesus Saves' bumper sticker. In this case, Jesus would have saved him £30 on road tax, as Gordon Brown has implemented a reduction for those.

He goes to the gym which now yields financial benefit, not just health ones. All gym members will receive a 10% discount on their monthly membership, providing they don't sweat.

I see Brian being £11.50 worse off a year.

***

Mertle Kennedy:

Mertle is a successful investment banker, but a heavy drinker. She became an alcoholic after her husband lost both legs while diving with Great White sharks in waters off the North coast of Australia. He became disorientated and backed into the boat's propeller, losing both limbs at the knees.

She likes to play the piano and is an accomplished jazz singer. She recently purchased a five-bedroom house next to a butcher's shop in Hackney, and has replaced all of the brass door handles with pork chops.

Our expert says:

Now's not a good time to be buying property. The Chancellor would like to see every house-buyer who completed their purchase within the last six months to be injected with the small pox virus.

I feel that Mertle may have overstretched herself on the mortgage too, hence the low-budget renovation with the pork chops. Pork fillet cushions are another cost-cutting feature. However, the price of the house is still likely to rise.

Therefore, I predict that she'll be £15,000 better off this year, providing she can find a vaccine to enjoy it.


12:01 AM

 
Weekly Film Review
This week's guest film reviewer is Oliver Henry, an estate agent from Paddington. He was once stuck in an apartment block lift for six weeks! And as if things couldn't get any worse, he then got stuck on an escalator for three days the very next month!



28 Days Later (reviewed 28 weeks after its release date)

Roger Humphrey is a bicycle courier working in central London. He can't be a very good one because the first thing we learn about him is that he's been run over by a bus. The accident puts him in hospital, probably because he's a weakling.

He wakes from a coma four weeks later to find the hospital empty. But where's the package he was meant to deliver? Roger clearly doesn't give a fuck - the first thing he does after getting out of bed is drink a can of Pepsi. Maybe the package is under his bed? Who the fuck knows? He doesn't! It was guaranteed to be delivered by 4pm in the afternoon that day, and here we are 28 days later and the bloody thing's been lost.

The film then takes a disappointing turn. Rather than follow up the story of the lost parcel, the plot veers off into some obscure nonsense about 'Rage'. Rage is the name of a fatal virus that many people in London have contracted from an infected monkey. First they gave us Coco Pops, then AIDS and now this. Where will it end?

London and the rest of Britain is empty as people have either fled or have succumbed to the deadly disease. Roger is distraught - it's been almost a day since he's woken up and he still hasn't been to the toilet. Walking like a man with a heavy payload, he bumps into two other survivors. They tell him the city is empty and has been for the past four weeks. They don't trust him at first because of his strange gait.

They take him back to their base; a sweet shop in Canary Wharf tube station. It's not a bad sweet shop, they have Curly Wurlies, but if you had the whole city to yourself wouldn't you rather stay in a hotel, like The Dorchester?

The three friends continue to fulfil their wildest fantasies. They make a trip to Budgens, the low-cost supermarket, and raid it for canned food. Maybe they didn't know how to get to Harrods.

They walk to the countryside for a picnic; it's a ten day trek. They place all of the cans before them to prepare their feast. Disaster - they don't have a can opener! Immediately they become depressed.

The fim ends when they repeatedly hurl themselves against a tree to commit suicide. The tree falls down. They find another, stronger tree and begin again. After six hours, they succeed.
12:01 AM

 
Thought of the Day


Earlier this week, further details of the Leicester City soccer sex scandal emerged.

The Sun reported that Frank Sinclair, one of the players arrested in Spain, 'romped' with one of the women he's accused of raping.

Any sex scandal in a tabloid needs to have a good romp in it somewhere. But what exactly is a romp? To me, a romp conjures up images that are anything but sexual in nature.

A romp is rolling about with someone on a bed, fully clothed, messing each other's hair up a bit, but not going any further. A romp is rugby tackling a friend unexpectedly and rolling with them across the carpet five times.

A romp is very different to a 'pump'. A pump means penetration. A romp is more about heavy rubbing. That's why if you have bad excema it's better to pump.
12:01 AM

 
The Saddam Tapes: Secret Transcripts of CIA Interviews with the Defeated Dictator
Mike Schipper in Washington



President Bush has become involved in the interrogation of Saddam Hussein (above), as the US pushes to discover the whereabouts of Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction.

The former Iraqi dictator, still being held in the country by the CIA, has been quizzed by Mr Bush more than once since early February. Hussein was discovered hiding in a hole by US troops in December 2003.

The New London Journal has been handed exclusive tapes of their phone conversations. The transcripts are reprinted here in full.


February 18th 2004

Bush dials from the White House. The phone rings.

Saddam: Hello. Pizza Hut.

Bush: Pizza Hut? I must have the goddam wrong number.

Bush hangs up.


February 19th 2004

Bush dials from the White House again. The phone rings.

Saddam: Hello. Pizza Hut.

Bush: Damn! I’m certain it’s the right number.

Saddam: Can I help?

Bush: No, I must have made a mistake. Wait. How fast can you get me a meat feast with extra mozzarella?

Saddam: About twelve hours.

Bush: What?

Bush goes to replace the receiver.

Saddam: Wait, wait, I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Please, don’t hang up. I don’t have enough change to call you back and I have a gun pointing at my head.

Bush: Who is this?

Saddam: Hussein. Saddam Hussein.

Bush: At last we speak! Hmmm…Hussein? Didn’t we also learn ballet together in Texas?

Saddam: Yes, in 1952.

Bush: Were you the one with the thick, black moustache?

Saddam: Yes. Those were difficult times for a seven year old.

Bush: My dad said it didn’t look right with the pink tutu.

Saddam: Your father never liked me. You know, that tutu caused great tension between my mother and father.

Bush: Your dad didn’t want you to wear it?

Saddam: He loved wearing it himself.

Bush: When did you give the ballet up?

Saddam: When the Kirov rejected me. Downtrodden, I returned home. Five years later I became dictator of Iraq.

Bush: You fell into it.

Saddam: Yes, and then I fell down a hole. That’s how your CIA criminals found me.

Bush: A ha! But how did you end up there?

Saddam: It was dark and I was attempting a very difficult pirouette.

Bush: You never could pull those off. Were you hurt?

Saddam: No, I landed on my mother.

Bush: Was she hurt?

Saddam: No, it was her grave.

Bush: I’m sorry to hear that.

Saddam: Me too. My face landed in her crotch.

Bush: I lost my mother recently.

Saddam: You have my deepest sympathies.

Bush: How deep?

Saddam: As deep as that hole. I was so glad when your troops turned up – it stank!

Bush: My mother will turn up. She only went to the toilet on Wednesday. We have over three hundred rooms in the White House and it usually takes her a week or so to find her way back. Then she needs to go again.

Have my agents been treating you well?

Saddam: No, terribly, terribly. When they found me they treated me like an animal. I was sheared like a sheep. The shaving of my beard was not so bad, but they did my chest too and left rings around my nipples. All I needed was a nose drawn beneath them and I'd have looked like a panda.

But the worse thing was the haircut - they gave me a perm.

Bush: Enough of the chit chat Saddam. Where are the weapons of mass destruction?

Saddam: In Baghdad, wherever your planes dropped them.

Bush: Do you have the coordinates?

Saddam: No, only the craters.

Bush: I will send a team out. And what about the anthrax?

Saddam: Anthrax?

Bush: Yes, the white powdery substance.

Saddam: That’s anthrax? Jesus Christ, I thought it was aspirin.

Bush: Who helped you to flee from Baghdad?

Saddam: No one. Everyone in the palace died from the aspirin. The falling bombs gave everyone dreadful headaches. I had to flee alone on horseback.

Bush: Did you get far?

Saddam: No, I soon realised its legs had been blown off. I walked to the next city where I got picked up by my cousin and his wife in his truck who were passing by.

Bush: You’re a fortunate man, Saddam.

Saddam: I wouldn’t say so. His wife wouldn’t shut up, all I wanted to do was sleep.

Bush: Now, I’m going to be direct with you. Have you been developing nuclear weapons over the past decade?

Saddam: Yes and no.

Bush: What does that mean?

Saddam: Yes we were.

Bush: And the no part?

Saddam: I was just trying to trick you.

Bush: We will continue this tomorrow. I want you to remember two things Saddam: one – don’t mess me around; two – I want plenty of mozzarella.

Bush hangs up.
12:01 AM

 
Microsoft Recall Shipments of Computer Mice
Michael Schipper in Redmond



Microsoft have been forced to recall several shipments of computer mice after it was discovered they had no buttons.

Most of the ninety thousand mice which were due to arrive in the UK last month, have now been returned to the US factory where they were manufactured, but several hundred have gone on sale.

For some UK businesses it's already too late. Maude Smith, a secretary at the Puppet Employment Initiative, received one of the faulty mice from her boss to celebrate her twentieth year at the company.

'Two weeks I was sitting here trying to get the bloody thing to work. I turned the computer on one morning, tried to open Outlook but nothing happened, nothing was clicking.

'I kept trying to press where the buttons should have been but still nothing. I ended up breaking my bloody nails. Then I got Doug to look at it. Doug sorts the mail but he knows about these computer things - he used to own a scientific calculator.

'So he took a look but didn't know, then we all took a look but still didn't know. I swapped the mouse with my iron to see if that would make a difference, but ended up melting the scanner. Then we called the police and they turned up and said the mouse had no buttons.

'I'm so behind I'm on my work now I'm really angry.'

Microsoft are not expected to offer compensation.
12:01 AM

 
Bad Night for Bobby at Country & Western Festival
Day Schipper in Nashville



Bobby Taylor and his band were sensationally voted the worst country and western group of all time at the annual Nashville Music Festival yesterday.

The singers - fooled into thinking they were going to receive a lifetime achievement award - were stunned when they were handed the 'Nashville Fish' after their record five hour gig.

Due to triangle player Mitch Matthews being taken ill with ebola, the band were forced to scrap all of their songs in which he plays. This left only one song - 'I Thought I Lost My Watch in My Cow, But Found It In My Wife' - which they had to play over seventy times in order to fill the time allocated for the performance.

Event organisers were particularly unhappy because Mr Matthews was taken ill in 1979. 'They had plenty of time to prepare', said Ellis Blownose, owner of the barn in which the event is held. 'What the heck, I said the HECK is going on?'

Usually, the 'Nashville Turnip', is given to the performer or group who have contributed nothing to country and western during their career. The recipient this time was Ned And His Engine. Ned sits in his pick-up truck and revs the engine for hours and hours or until the petrol runs out. He's been playing gigs for over twenty-five years.

But the Nashville Fish was especially created this year for Bobby Taylor. It recognises those musicians who have not only contributed nothing to the genre but have actually had a detrimental effect upon it.

Mr Taylor remained upbeat and revealed the band may introduce dance routines to liven up the act: 'We're only talking about it, but next time we're on stage I might get the harmonica player to expose my right breast.'

Despite being twelve strong, Bobby Taylor and his band they have long referred to themselves as a musical quartet. They have been playing together for over fifty years.
12:01 AM

 
Bush Admits to Pressures of Presidency
Mike Schipper in Washington



President Bush today told parents of the difficult choices he faces as leader of the USA, but said he still had the appetite to be President and was ready to serve a second term.

Speaking at a Kansas school to launch his 2004 re-election campaign, he said there was 'still much work to be done.' When asked if this referred to the economy or foreign policy he said 'Neither. I'm having the Oval office renovated. Three weeks from now it's going to be hexagonal. I tried to put some shelves up in it last week but couldn't. Have you ever tried to put shelves up against curved walls?'

Mr Bush then went onto speak about how being President has even affected his physical appearance. 'When I first took office I had grand ideas of growing a beard. I wanted to look just like my idol, Abraham Lincoln. He designed some great cars.

'However, my advisors freaked out at the idea and said the public wouldn't buy it. They said everyone preferred a clean-shaven Bush.'

But Mr Bush said the hardest thing about being President was knowing when to use the incredible firepower at his disposal. 'I have two buttons on my desk. One triggers a devastating attack on our enemies, the other orders anchovy pizzas from Pizza Hut. They're both red. But no matter how many times I press it, those damn pizzas never seem to turn up!'

The press conference comes after Mr Bush was forced to shelve his recent re-election advertising campaign after it prompted hostile complaints from thousands of viewers.

The thirty second ads, screened since the beginning of March, show brief footage of remnants of New York's World Trade Center following the 9/11 attack. Many viewers found it inappropriate to use the images as a springboard for re-election.

But the most severe criticism was reserved for the scene where Bush is pictured wearing a crown of thorns and being teased by a group of Roman soldiers, but silences them when he parts his robe to reveal a large penis (his own).

The Republican team have decided to release a song instead to support Bush's campaign. Based on the theme tune from the Dastardly & Muttley cartoon, the message is clear:

Stop Bin Laden, Stop Bin Laden,
Stop Bin Laden, Stop Bin Laden,
Stop Bin Laden, Stop Bin Laden,
Stop Bin Laden howwwww?
Nab him - jab him - tab him - grab him,
Stop Bin Laden NOW!

We played it to Clora Simmonds, a teacher at the school, and asked if she liked it. She said no.

However, she was delighted Mr Bush had chosen their school to speak at. The President was asked if the choice of location was significant and he replied, 'Yes, I needed to hand my homework in.'

As normally accompanies electioneering, there was an opportunity for Mr Bush to kiss a baby, so he grabbed five-month old Beatrice Bevan (above left) from her mother. However, young Beatrice was in for a surprise after Mr Bush became too excited when he was bouncing her and vomited on the child's shoulder.
12:01 AM

 
Miracle Pill Prevents Smoking and Obesity
Michael Schipper in Paris



People who smoke and overeat face having their way of life ruined as a drugs company revealed it has created a pill which can stop both.

The science behind Rimonabant, which has been in development for over twenty years, is being kept secret by its French maker, Sanofi-Synthelabo. Yet, initial tests by British scientists have provided insights into how it works.

'We think the key to it is the size of the pills' said Griff Richmond, a chemistry professor at Newcastle University. 'They measure seven inches in diameter and are made from wax.

'We tested the drugs on ten subjects, giving five of them Rimonabant and the other five a small, aspirin placebo.

'We found the people who'd taken the placebo continued to smoke and eat as normal. The patients who'd taken the drug had not only ceased to smoke, but they no longer found it possible to eat, which is great. But neither could they drink, or talk. And some developed breathing difficulties. Also, we discovered their jaws had been broken when we administered the drug. Some of the participants had very small mouths.'

Previously, health campaigners insisted that a big appetite was a sign of good health. However, since Rik Waller (pictured left) appeared on Pop Idol, the scientific community has been forced to change its mind.

The breakthrough drug is expected to go on sale in the UK within two years and will be sold in packs of thirty.
12:01 AM

 
Leicester Players Face Tough Time Ahead
James Murphy in La Manga



Leicester City trio Frank Sinclair, Keith Gillespie and Paul Dickov have been given a surprise opportunity to clear their names.

The soccer stars were arrested by Spanish police after the alleged sexual assault of three women at a hotel in the resort of La Manga. However, a judge has decided an unusual way to settle the case: he wants the players to compete against the women in a penalty shoot out.

If the players lose then they'll be found guilty and could spend up to twenty years in prison. If they win, they'll be found innocent and can walk free.

But women's rights campaigners were outraged at the decision and said it played straight into the hands of the footballers. 'The only balls those women have ever kicked are the ones that have a penis attached to them', said Laura Watt of the Charles Manson Women's Freedom Society.

However, the judge assured them it would be a balanced contest - the footballers are not allowed a run up and can only use their heads to strike the ball. They must remain airborne for at least two minutes afterwards.
12:01 AM

 
A Guide to Dogging
With Alun Bunton



Hello Internet Daters!

What a busy month it’s been! Recently I’ve been doing a lot of surprise charity work at my local hospice. Last Monday I began a thirty-nine hour ‘buskathon’ on ward fourteen.

It went better than I could have hoped for! A big thank you goes to Ethel Derbyshire - I had to move her dialysis machine so I could plug in my amp. These silly old buildings never have enough sockets!

She didn’t have the strength to tell me, but I could see in her watery eyes that she was enjoying the music immensely, especially the Slade covers. I don’t think I’ve met an unluckier person: not only does she have kidney failure, but it’s the longest I’ve stood beside a woman in bed without actually getting into it! Next time Ethel - and I mean that!

All of the patients looked very sorry when I brought the show to end at 4.30 am on Wednesday morning.

Since last week’s sex scandal involving ex-footballer, Stan Collymore, many of you have been writing to me asking about ‘dogging’. I have been an avid dogger for over twenty years and these four simple points below are all you need to know.

1. What is it? Dogging is the act of meeting people and having sex with them. ‘What’s so different about that?’ I hear you cry. Nothing! Except, you can only meet them in a car park and you MUST ensure that you’ve paid and displayed.

2. Is it safe? Yes, absolutely! It involves a special kind of sex - neither party is permitted to leave the confines of their own vehicle.

3. Is it satisfying? It’s as satisfying as you want it to be. For added excitement, try opening the windows so you can hear each other moaning. For the more adventurous of you, try unbuckling the seatbelt.

4. How do I choose a good car park? Venture out into the country for the best dogging experience! Avoid inner-city car parks that have toilets. They attract a different sort of punter. And remember not to park in a space reserved for disabled drivers! This is frowned upon greatly by the dogging community.

If only there was a dogging guide like this available when I was youngster. It may have helped me avoid an uncomfortable episode in my life involving a local paper, the RSPCA and one angry owner of a dachshund.

Those of you who followed the story at the time may have come across a book written by the journalist who reported the story. For the record, I have never endorsed the publication of ‘Dogging: Are You Barking Up the Wrong Tree?’

Speak soon! Love and kisses,

Alun
xxx
12:01 AM

 
Westlife Confirm Split
Sarah Spacey in Mullingsworth



Boy band Westlife confirmed this week that Bryan McFadden has been forced to quit the band after developing narcolepsy. The star first noticed signs of the spontaneous sleeping illness during photo shoots. Doctors believe it was brought on by high-powered flash bulbs.

However, there was some disappointment for music fans after the pop stars confirmed they will be staying together as a quartet. It was hoped that they would split completely, and in particular that Shane would split in half.

12:01 AM

 
Today is Not the Day for Humorous Stories
There will be no story from The New London Journal team today as a mark of respect for the victims of the terror attack in Spain yesterday.

200 commuters were killed and more than 1,000 others were wounded as terrorists bombed trains in the morning rush hour.

Please use the comments link below to record your condolences.

- Mike

12:01 AM

 
Truth Emerges About US Sniper
Michael Schipper in Washington



Dramatic new evidence emerged last night which could see the so-called US sniper walk free.

John Muhammad Muhammad, was sentenced to death on Tuesday, after he was found guilty of killing ten people in Washington last year. The three-week murder spree saw Muhammad Muhammad’s popularity plummet as he fired long-range shots at people visiting supermarkets and petrol stations.

But Washington firearms dealer, Tub Fisher (pictured), stepped forward today to plunge the court’s verdict into doubt. Mr Fisher has long been a member of several gun clubs in the state and told reporters he saw the accused at a shooting range at the time of the killings.

‘Hell yeah, I’d seen him learning lots of times at Michelle’s Shooting Club. Must have been ten times at least. No, wait…nine times. No, wait…ten times. Yep, it was ten times. Or nine.

‘Yet one thing I won’t forget is that he was the rottenest shot I ever saw. He tried so hard but the bullets went everywhere but the target. I got to thinking there was something wrong with the boy or that he needed new glasses.

‘One day we stood him two feet from the target with the gun pointing at it and he missed. I remember at the time thinking only God knows where that bullet went. Turns out I was wrong. CNN also knew where it went – it hit some guy at a filling station.’

Mr Fisher decided to come forward because he wanted the world to know the deaths had been caused by a tragic series of accidents. ‘He’s innocent. I never met an unluckier guy. His confidence has been destroyed.’

But Michelle Kierney, owner of the gun club, was less sympathetic. ‘We tried to give him all kinds of advice but he never listened. First thing I noticed was that his glasses were awful thick – I don’t know how he could see through them. Like I said at the time, he should’ve gone to Specsavers.

'The good people of this city were frightened to step outside when it was going on. The police told us to walk in zig zags to avoid being shot. But some of them took it further and decided it was safer to move in more complicated ways. Several of my friends adapted dance routines from Les Miserables just to get to work.'

A retrial is now likely. However, for now, Muhammad Muhammad remains on death row. He will have to choose between lethal injection and the electric chair. The electric chair is $49.99, providing he signs up before 31st March. The lethal injection is $69.99, but is less painful and can be supersized for only 30 cents more.
12:01 AM

 
Guantanamo Five Return from Captivity
Michael Schipper at Heathrow Airport



Five Britons held in Guantanamo Bay on suspicion of terrorist offences, were flown home yesterday and declared on landing ‘We’re bigger than Jesus!’.

The Fab Five, who became so popular in the US that the President didn’t want to let them go, were greeted by thousands of screaming girls as their jet touched down.

Holidaymakers were surprised to learn they’d shared the same flight as the five celebrities. Thomas Mitchell, fresh from a Cuban polo tournament, said: ‘What a smashing idea to bring the boys home. I’ve always liked them.’

Jill Baker, mother of two from Margate, was also excited: ‘I said to my husband Norm, “You know what Benjy, I think I know those lads.” And he said to me “Don’t be so ridiculous, you don’t know them." So I said “I do – it’s the Beatles!”.

‘Then he says to me “They aren’t the bloody Beatles! How many times must I tell you there were only four Beatles? Ringo, Paul, John and George!”

“And Maude. You’ve forgotten Maude. You always forget Maude”, I said.

‘And so I looked at them again. You know what, I felt such a fool - Norm was bloody right! It wasn’t the Beatles, it was the Jackson Five. So I tapped one of ‘em on the shoulder; he told me his name was Shafiq. I told him I remember Jermaine, Tito, Marlon and Michael, but definitely not Shafiq.

‘I asked them if they had any big hits lately, and Shafiq said “yes - a couple in New York a few years back.” ’

But the waiting fans didn’t see more than a glimpse of their idols as police surrounded the plane and escorted the five stars to their five star hotel, where Five Star were waiting to greet them.

A statement was released by the boys this morning. They said it was ‘the worst holiday we’ve ever had’ and vowed never to book another Club 18-30 package to the USA again. At the time of booking they weren’t aware that 18-30 meant the number of years you can expect to be imprisoned for, rather than your age group.

They said it only dawned on them how long they’d been away when they sat down to watch Neighbours yesterday and realised the characters were the same, but all the actors who played them had changed. Except for Harold Bishop.

12:02 AM

 
Dec: My Pain
Michael Schipper in Ramsgate



One of the creatures who presents I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here, Dec Donnelly, revealed today the break up of his relationship.

The loveable Geordie spoke briefly of the split from his long-term girlfriend, Haroldine Fricker. Although no details were given, it's believed the relationship ended after Donnelly became obsessed with the word 'caveat'.

'He was never entirely sure how to pronounce it', said one source close to the star. 'Should it be 'caveeet', or perhaps the more flamboyant 'cavee-at'?

'He spent a fortune on speech therapists and linguists, but they all differed in opinion. One even advised him to buy a newsagent, which he did, but that didn't help. He would often come home from work and mutter 'caveat' to himself for hours on end.'

The final straw for Haroldine came when she was out shopping with a friend and a grand piano fell on her head. Haroldine survived, but her friend was crushed by the pianist.

'Of course, Haroldine never blamed Dec for the accident. How could she? He wasn't involved in any way. But she found it a very stressful time and decided to leave.'

Donnelly, 28, is due to begin work on a new series of 'I Didn't Know She's Fifteen!' on Friday.
12:02 AM

 
Ant: My Joy!
Michael Schipper in Scunthorpe



Pop Idol host, Ant McPartlin, was delighted today to learn he's not left handed.

The presenter was told the news by doctors after undergoing weeks of hospital tests. 'Ever since I was a kid I've been using my left hand for everything. This explains why I couldn't write properly, why I had trouble cutting food, even combing my hair was a problem. I was virtually an invalid.'

Close friend, Dec Donnelly, had seen McPartlin struggle for years and advised him to seek help. He said: 'It's great news, I always suspected he was right handed and I've been proved correct!'

One drawback is that McPartlin will now need to re-learn how to hold a microphone with his right hand. However, this should be easy: he already admits to not being very good as he was originally taught by camels.
12:01 AM

 
Joy as Graduate Reveals 'I'm a Spy!'
Michael Schipper in Warmington



George Cathaway, 21, is pictured smiling after he became the first person to be recruited under the new scheme for rapid expansion of the intelligence services.

The Warmington youngster rang MI5 after seeing the job advertised in the shop window of his local Post Office. 'I was looking for cleaning work or maybe some lawn mowing - you know, something to keep me going after leaving uni - then I saw the spy ad and knew it was the job for me.'

The qualities MI5 are looking for seem well suited to what Mr Cathaway has to offer. They require "flexibility and ability to cope with frequent disruption to their life" and "ability to anticipate and show good judgement". The new graduate passed with flying colours: 'That was easy - in the interview I just told them about the time I had a dodgy curry - that was frequent disruption all night. I showed good judgement and mis-timed my run to the toilet only once.'

Candidates for the £21,497 to £24,837 post must also be "able to blend into the background easily". 'I should be quite good at that', said Mr Cathaway. 'My lecturer at uni always said I was very good at blending into the foreground, so I guess it's just a case of me stepping back a bit.'

However, there was some disappointment for the new recruit after he was refused his first and second choices of agent number: 'I really wanted to be 007 but I was told another agent had it. Then I asked to be 118 118, but then someone said that's the new number for directory enquiries. I'll think of one eventually. They said I can have any number apart from those two, but when you think about it there aren't that many to choose from.'

David Blunkett announced last week an increase in MI5 staff by fifty per cent to tackle the terrorist threat of al-Quaeda. They are also expected to come down hard on old ladies who steam stamps off envelopes in order to re-use them.



12:01 AM

 
George Foreman Says 'No'
Doug Ramone in Nebraska



Ex-boxer, George Foreman denied today the new version of his Lean Mean Grilling Machine would also be an MP3 player.

He moved to quash rumours after being overheard at an industry event that he wanted to 'grill Apple'.

In today's statement he said he'd been misquoted and was not about to rival Apple's iPod. 'I was really hungry at the time and wanted to 'grill apples - maybe with butter and a few shakes of cinnamon'.

He said that adapting the cooker to play music was 'technically challenging' and didn't think the demand was there for people to listen to music and do grilling on the move - yet.

However, Mr Foreman did reveal that the next version of the grilling machine would be better at cooking fish, and would also come with its own built-in ironing board.


12:01 AM

 
The New London Journal Pop Vox - We Ask You!
This week we ask Giles Collinger and Lesley Matthews, their views on life in London. Giles is a sound engineer from Penge. Due to a record number of court appearances, he has become accustomed to having his image drawn rather than photographed.

Lesley is a bus driver, but is restricted to driving single decker buses only, because she suffers from narcolepsy.



NLJ: How was your day yesterday?

Giles: Terrible. I woke up and found my living room had been turned into a Starbucks franchise. They wanted me to start work straight away as a barista.

NLJ: What did you say?

Giles: I refused. I don't know anything about the law.

NLJ: I see. So then...

Giles: I was in despair. I retreated to my bathroom to hunt for some headache pills, but found it had been leased to Boots.

NLJ: Very handy if you wanted headache pills.

Giles: No, not handy. I'd already bought some and had put them in the bathroom cabinet! The sales assistant wouldn't let me behind the till so I had to buy them back.

NLJ: Oh dear.

Giles: Quite. Worse was to come.

NLJ: Worse?

Giles: Within minutes, Boots began to diversify. They started selling cameras. And sandwiches. You can imagine the furore this created at Starbucks who had also decided to stock sandwiches. The two parties soon came to blows and began pelting each other with biscotti. Yes - Boots sold those too!

NLJ: How uncouth. Biscotti?

Giles: Yes, it's Italian for 'stale biscuits'.

NLJ: I escaped from the house covered in crumbs. At the train station I asked for a return to London Piccadilly. I handed over £5 and was handed back a cup of coffee. 'Where's my ticket?', I asked. 'Sorry, we're under new management. In the next three minutes we'll be a Starbucks,' he said.




NLJ: Lesley, how was your day yesterday?

Lesley: Fine.
12:01 AM

 
Weekly Film Review
This week our guest reviewer is German vicar, Hans Herrman. Herr Herrman has lived in England for over fifty years and is currently helping to exorcise an ice cream van being haunted by a poltergeist from the Weimar Republic.



The Passion of the Christ

Heil! The New London Journal asked me to take a look at this new movie from Herr Mel Gibson. And what a movie it is!

The story concentrates on the last twelve hours of Christ's life. Originally, Gibson wanted to expand this to focus on the last thirteen hours but, as we all know, Jesus slept late that day and a man sleeping doesn't make for very good cinema!

So, the last twelve hours it is. Gibson's boldness in correcting some of the historical inaccuracies that have become common currency in the story of Christ is amazing. For example, biblical records reveal there was no 'last supper'! Simon the Zealot - in all his enthusiasm - forgot to book a table at popular kosher eatery, 'The Sandals of Time'.

So in the film, Gibson has the disciples turn up at the restaurant on the off chance they can get a table, but the waiter tells them to come back the next day at lunchtime. They do, but Jesus is delayed by a leper. By the time they are all finally together, lunch is no longer being served and they can only have afternoon tea. Jesus and his twelve disciples must make do with their 'last cuppa'.

It's this first scene in which we understand how Christ's life begins to unravel. Judas Iscariot was asked to bring wine to the restaurant but times were hard for a carpenter in those days - so many had entered the profession of late - and when he went to the supermarket he found he didn't have enough money to pay for it.

When the disciples hear there will be no wine, they are sorely disappointed. But there is a surprise in store yet! Up steps Jesus who turns a water carafe into a bottle of Blue Nun. The disciples are delighted, except Judas who is seething and ashamed.

The film is one of the most brutal I've seen. Later, we see Jesus having to carry his cross for miles and miles. This scene attracted a lot of controversy in the US but what do people think happened? That he hailed a taxi? There were no taxis! However, the cross does look very heavy and you would have thought someone driving past could have offered him a lift.

Jesus walks to the top of the hill with several other prisoners. It's not long before they are racing each other. I won't tell you who wins but let's just say 'don't bet on the white guy'.

So, will this film stir up hatred between Christians and Jews? It depends entirely on where you sit in the cinema. I had a very tall Jewish man in front of me, and for much of the film I had to lean to one side to see the action. If that's the case, then yes. It will.

Bring your handkerchiefs, the ending's a veepie!


12:02 AM

 
Mutu: My Chelsea Hell
Michael Schipper at Stamford Bridge



Chelsea striker, Adrian Mutu, claimed today that fellow players at the club have made the last two months the toughest of his footballing career.

The ex-Parma star said he's been subjected to cruel taunts ever since he joined the club and this was now affecting his form. Amazingly, these taunts have not come from opposition fans, but from his own team mates.

The Romanian exclusively revealed the problem to The New London Journal: 'It always happens when I turn up for training or arrive at the ground just before a match. I go into the dressing room and one of them [another player] says to me "Hello Mutu!".

'It's nice to be welcomed, but why do they have to say it in a voice identical to the one used in the Motorola TV ads - "Hello Moto!"? Once one person has said it they all start saying it. It drives me bloody mad, "Hello Mutu!", "Hello Mutu!", "Hello Mutu!", "Hello Mutu!", "Hello Mutu!"... [Adrian mimicked his team mates in this way for a full fifteen minutes. There is not enough space to reprint it here.]

'Certain players have taken great delight in teasing me in this way. I won't name them here because that wouldn't be professional, but John Terry does it and so does Scott Parker. Yeah, that's right - Parker - the so-called quiet one. I won't tell you what I think of him because that wouldn't be professional, but in Romanian, the word I'd use is 'cunt'.'

The £15m man added: 'And they don't just do it at the ground either. They take it in turns to phone my house and then hang up. My four-year old son answers and he repeats everything that's said to him anyway. Now I've got him running round the house saying, "Hello Mutu!", "Hello Mutu!", "Hello Mutu!"... [Adrian mimicked his son for ten more minutes.] I wish Motorola had never made those bloody ads!'

John Fanshawe, Chairman of the Chelsea Football Club Supporters Union Association Group, said that Mutu had brought the problem upon himself. 'Well, what does the lad expect? He comes along, scores some great goals, and then he goes and launches his own handbag collection (modelled above). Yes, they look good but shouldn't he be concentrating on football? He's opened himself up to ridicule.'

But Mutu defended his collection: 'They're not handbags, they're satchels! And they're not a distraction, they help me to focus. And where I come from they're considered to be very stylish, and compact too with nice zips. Claudio [Ranieri] has told me he wants one.'

The Chelsea manager declined to comment on the story.
12:01 AM

 
Ex-Footballer Collymore in Sex Scandal
Michael Schipper in Cannock Shopping Centre Car Park



Stan Collymore admitted yesterday that he's addicted to sex in public with musically-gifted strangers.

He became interested in 'dogging' - meeting people for sex in short-stay car parks - after seeing a programme about it on Open University two years ago. 'It was late one night and I'd been doing DIY the whole day. Most of it was spent on sanding down my neighbour's doors. After I finished he said I should have asked first. He had to get his car resprayed.

'Feeling guilty, I made myself watch Open University as punishment. That's when I heard about dogging. Later that evening I found myself in Tesco's car park having sex with Laura who worked on aisle nineteen. It was a thrilling high and I also got to find out where the talcum powder had moved to.

Collymore said he did this another 'dozen or so times', but stopped because it was very difficult to get a parking space at 5pm on a Friday.

But the BBC Five Live commentator resumed his hobby when he met some fellow doggers at a party. 'I swapped mobile numbers with Nancy and David (pictured right). We met in an Iceland car park the following week. I pulled up in the space next to them and was surprised to see they had instruments.

'They explained the rules of 'musical dogging'. It's like musical chairs, but when the music stops you have sex with the person who's lap you're sitting on.

'I got Nancy. We had to keep the same rhythm as David's accordion playing. He started off a bit too quick with A-Ha's 'Take On Me': Nancy went red and began to stiffen, so he slowed it down with 'Candle in the Wind' by Elton John. Also, knowing the maximum stay in the car park was ninety minutes was an added thrill.'

Collymore now faces an uncertain future in his personal life. 'I know I've hurt my wife and family but I will make it up to them. If I go dogging at Tesco's car park again, I'll ask if it will earn me ClubCard points.'
12:01 AM

 
Peter Andre and Jordan: 'We're Together'
By Michael Schipper



Peter Andre and Katie Price (aka Jordan) have given an exclusive interview to The New London Journal, their forty-first since coming out of the Australian jungle.

The lovey-dovey pair, who met on the ITV game show ‘I’m a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!’ talk about their jungle adventure, their heated romance and what’s happened since they’ve been back.

* Have the two of you been seeing a lot of each other lately?

Katie: With all the newspaper fuss it’s been really difficult to find the time to see Peter, but yeah we’ve been out once or twice…

Peter: …although there was no contact between us for the first two weeks, even though I tried phoning her.

Katie: That was your fault though. I answered the phone and you hung up.

Peter: Because the person who answered said ‘Hello, Gordon speaking.’ I thought I had the wrong number.

Katie: So that was you? I said 'Jordan', not 'Gordon'.



* Peter, what attracted you to Katie?

Katie: Go on, let’s hear it.

Peter: People expect me to say the obvious, but I’m not shallow. Sure, I like her smile and her sweet nature. But having spent two weeks with her out there, I really got to appreciate her great pair of hamoongers.

* Did you know she was a glamour model before you went into the jungle?

Peter: I didn’t know anything about it, but with bambillos like that it’s only right that she is.

* You say you prefer the natural look - Katie without make-up - but what about the other parts of her that aren’t real?

Peter: I can make an exception for those pahooglers.

* Is there anything you’d change about each other?

Peter: With bazoolers like that, why not get two more? Maybe she could have them just underneath the one’s she's got. Scientists can do amazing things these days. I saw a picture of a mouse with a man’s ear growing on its back once. Maybe a mouse could carry Katie’s new wahooglers. It would have to be a big mouse though. Or maybe a puppy.

Katie: Peter has an ingrowing eye which will get worse if he doesn’t let a doctor see it.

* So what really did happen in the jungle? Did you kiss?

Katie: We were just whispering to each other under the canvas. I was seeing Scott at the time so had to behave myself.

Peter: Ahhh come on, that’s not quite true. There was some lip contact. It was quite a steamy night.

Katie: Ok, maybe some.

Peter: We were cuddling in the same sleeping bag for a while. I tried fingering her. I thought she was really enjoying it because I heard her squeaking. Then I realised I had my finger up a rat’s arse.

* Were the conditions unpleasant?

Peter: The rat’s arse was.

Katie: You get a lot of creepy things crawling over you. I thought I had one of those tarantino spiders on my thigh one night, but it was Lord Brocket’s hand.

Peter: The food wasn’t great either.

* Speaking of the food, are you glad you didn’t have to do the Bushtucker Trial?

Katie: God yeah. I felt sick for Jennie Bond when she put those fat worms in her mouth.

Peter: But she had some practice. In the first week, Mike Read lowered his left testicle into her gaping mouth while she was sleeping. It was quite impressive – we dangled him from a tree. She didn’t wake.

* Have you slept together yet?

Katie: Not yet, but waiting makes us want it more.

Peter: I agree. But if Katie won’t, then her sister will. And if her sister won’t, then her mother will. And if her mother won’t, then her grandmother will. And she has arthritis which hinders her movement, so there’s no escape.


12:01 AM

 
New Evidence Supports UN Bugging Claims
Michael Schipper in Westminster



The New London Journal has obtained dramatic transcripts of a conversation between former Cabinet Minister Clare Short and the UN Secretary General, Kofi Annan.

The leaked documents offer proof that Ms Short was correct when she claimed last week that British spies had bugged top UN officials in the run up to the Iraq war.

The bugging took place during a charity dinner in New York in January 2003. The device was hidden inside a Ferrero Rocher chocolate, a common delicacy at diplomatic receptions.

The conversation appears to have taken place in a corner away from other guests. The dinner had finished and drinks were being served.

[Recording begins.]

Short: Would you like ‘coffee’, Kofi? [Laughs]

Annan: Clare, please. That is the third time you've made that joke today.

Short: I thought you didn’t hear me the first two times.

Annan: I did. I was ignoring you.

Short: Oh Kofi, you’re not being ‘short’ with me, are you?

Annan: [Mutters] Give me strength.

Short: I’m just trying to liven the place up a bit. It’s a right stuffy bunch here tonight. Have you tried talking to that one over there? Could only get three words out of him.

Annan: It is a charity dinner in aid of autism!

Short: Who are autism? Never heard of them. That Placebo lot are good though. You like them, don't you?

Annan: No - Placiiiiiiiido. Placido Domingo. Opera.

Short: Are you going to eat that chocolate or what?

Annan: I would if I wasn't constantly interrupted.

Short: If you haven’t got time to eat it I’ll have it. Here, give it to me. [Sound of a scuffle taking place.]

Annan: Will you please take your hands off me. I’ll have it later. For now, it goes in my pocket.

Short: It'll melt.

Annan: I will take the chance. I'm going to the toilet.

[Annan departs, we hear him enter a cubicle. One minute passes.]

Annan: Hnnnhhhhh. Hnngggggghhhh. Bloody hell, I knew I shouldn’t have had that second pork chop. Fnnnnnngh. When will you learn, Kofi? Ok…here we go…hnnnghhnghghnghnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhngh. Shit, shit, shit. It’s stuck half way.

[Sound of a second person entering the toilets.]

Short: Hello Kofi? Kofi dear. Hello?

[Sound of knocking on cubicle doors, one by one.]

Annan: [Under his breath] Oh no.

Short: Hello Kofi, I just wanted to make sure you’re alright. You’ve been quite a while.

Annan: Clare! Yes, er…I’m fine. Just a little busy right now.

Short: Ah, you’re in that one.

Annan: Hnnnnnnnnnnngh!

Short: What was that?

Annan: What?

Short: That noise. Like someone having their hand squeezed in a vice.

Annan: Nothing! Look, it’s really not right for a woman to be in the men’s toilets.

Short: Don’t worry Kofi, they won’t notice. I've been using these urinals all evening.

Annan: Oh.

[Sound of a 'plop', recording ends.]

The transcripts are a fresh embarrassment for the Labour party and signal a new crisis for Tony Blair. The Prime Minister is now almost certain to order a review of the Official Secrets Act to prevent similar leaks, although any expected change is likely to be a secret.

12:01 AM