Controversy Hits Kids' Spelling Contest
Mike Schipper in Wyoming



Police will lead an investigation into what went wrong at the final of Wyoming's annual spelling contest for schoolchildren after a contestant became ill and fell six feet off the stage while taking part yesterday.

Harry Altman (pictured), 12, was playing in his fourth consecutive regional spell-off in a bid to reach the $10,000 national final in Washington, when the 'adult' nature of the words he was asked to spell made him feel increasingly agitated and caused him to faint.

Many parents who witnessed the contest expressed shock and surprise at some of the words the children - some as young as eight - were asked to spell, and cited this as the reason for Harry's collapse.

Angela Williams, who's daughter was sitting in the front row of the audience and was almost crushed by Harry as he fell head first, was 'disgusted' by some of the words she heard. 'The Pronouncer, Doug Satchel, had been calling out the words all day, like for three hours non-stop, asking the kids to spell them. About half the kids got eliminated for words like 'obtuse' or 'cavernous'.

'Then it came to Harry's turn and the Pronouncer came out with 'fuckwit'. He said to Harry, "Spell 'fuckwit.'" Then he repeated it. "'Fuckwit'.", and Harry got it right, smart kid, but you could tell he felt uneasy because he started to fidget and began attaching large magnets to his braces.'

'I can't understand why Doug didn't just stop,' said Paul Gray, another parent of a contestant. 'He could have just skipped those words and moved onto the next set, but he refused. When it came to Harry's next go he asked him to spell 'cunnilingus'. Of course, Harry didn't know what it meant and, as he was entitled to, asked Doug if it was a kind of marsupial mammal. Doug read out the definition and on hearing it Harry wet himself.

'I felt sorry for that kid, but he got it right and then straight after that got 'felching' right too. They're all words we recognise and are things we practice as adults, but it's not the same for kids.'

Competition organisers believe the obscene words found their way into the Pronouncer's question list because of a computer error.

Doug Satchel, a convicted paedophile, apologised for calling out the words but said he was simply following the contest rules. 'I very much enjoyed today. I derived particular pleasure from Harry's pronounciation of the word 'fellatio'; the flourish he gave to the middle of the word, the way he made his mouth into a perfect circle to say the end of the word correctly: it really was quite special'.

Hospital x-rays have revealed that Harry broke his jaw in the fall and is unlikley to be able to compete in a spelling contest again this year.

Eleven-year old Matt Magellan was crowned Wyoming champion by default and will go to the final in Washington. He correctly spelled 'fistfuck' to win.
10:22 PM

 
Terri Schiavo: Fifty-Fifty
David Mueller in Florida



Terri Schiavo, the brain-damaged woman at the centre of a right-to-die case may yet live, twelve days after a Florida court ruled that her food supply should be cut off.

Judge George Greer today agreed to a move put forward by the lawyer representing Schiavo's parents, to allow them to participate in a special edition of 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?', with the ultimate prize being the reinsertion of Schiavo's food tube into her body. Depending on how far her parent's progress through the quiz will determine into which orifice the tube is inserted.

'We're expecting huge audiences for what is going to be the most exciting version of Millionaire ever,' said TV producer Randy Adkins. 'The plan is to stage it in Terri's hospital room right next to her bed. We thought it would be nice if she could be with her parents. But we're gonna be pretty strict with the rules. If it looks like her Mom and Dad are struggling with a question, then under no circumstances is Terri allowed to blink to indicate which is the correct answer. We'll be watching closely for that, especially if they play fifty-fifty.

'We're hoping her parents go all the way. If they fall short then the tube ends up in Terri's ear. I'm not sure that will help her.'

Adkins added: 'There'll be a lot of technical equipment, such as cameras and booms, but we're hoping it won't interfere with any of the breathing equipment. One of the coolest things about the show is that the doctors think they can adjust Ted's - sorry Terri's - life support machine to bleep only when her folks say a right answer. If they take too long over an answer then Ted gets into a little bit of difficulty, so the pressure's really on in this show. Sorry, did I say Ted?'

The Medical Channel and Fox are both expected to bid for rights to screen the show, which is expected to be a one-off.

However, in a twist that will anger many pro-life campaigners Michael Schiavo, Terri's ex-husband and legal guardian who wants her feeding to be stopped, will be allowed to set the questions.

We asked Florida-resident Pablo Moon, a postal worker, what he thought of Mrs Schiavo's situation. 'It's tough that her ex-husband gets to choose all the questions, but I ain't too sorry. Me and Terri used to date when we were at college but broke up pretty quickly. She used to look great, but I saw her in the paper recently and she's really let herself go. I think she's got obesity or something. Apparently she's just been sitting in bed these last fifteen years with a tube feeding food into her arm. I know it means she don't have to get up to go to the refrigerator, but man that's lazy.

'I tried writing to her again about a month ago, but she didn't write back. I guess she thinks she's too good for me now.'

Money raised from the show is likely to be donated to a local Florida obesity charity, as per her parents' wishes.
10:56 PM

 
British Chess Player 'Killed By Son'
Mike Schipper in Malmo, Sweden




World famous British chess player, Simon Tebb, 55, has been found dead today at his home in Malmo, Sweden. The sports hero (pictured left) who at one time in his career was ranked 6,734th best chess player in the world, was discovered by his wife on their black and white chequered kitchen floor. He had twenty stab wounds to his back. Police believe he was murdered.

Tebb's son, Terence, 25, (right) is suspected of the killing after being heard arguing with his father late last night. Bjorn Svensson, 62, who was masturbating outside the Tebb's property at the time, claims he heard the two men shouting at each other.

'I know their voices and heard them quite clearly. Simon offered 'Rook to A5' and Terence called 'Knight to B6'. Then suddenly the boy shouted 'Knight to left lung' and it all went quiet. It didn't strike me that anything unusual was happening, so I went home to get some sleep and some tissues. The police suggested to me today that maybe he shouted 'Knife to left lung', which made me chuckle at first but then I realised they were right.'

Tebb moved to Sweden in 1983 to escape the media furore which surrounded him after winning the under 35s Bath Chess Championship. Many sports fans will remember his route to victory which saw him defeat quadriplegic Alun Michaels in a record thirty seconds (Michaels suffered a spasm which tipped the board), and the controversial win in the final which saw him face a second quadriplegic, Barry Winton. Tebb made use of the little-known chess rule 112.2(b), which allowed an able-bodied person to punch a quadriplegic in the face during a game if he or she has failed to move a single piece in over two hours of play. Winton was rendered unconscious and Tebb was declared the winner. The rule was removed by the game's governing body in 1989.

Speculation has already begun into what could have motivated Terence Tebb, now on the run, to kill his father. A friend of the family, Stillig Bronson, believed the son may have built up years of resentment towards him: 'I don't think the boy had a happy childhood. Simon was quite a strict man and lived his life like a game of chess. He always carried a little chess timer with him, and whenever anyone wanted to speak to him they had to tap the timer first before opening their mouth and the clock would start ticking. Only then would he listen.

'He allocated two hours a week 'speaking time' to Terence which was very difficult for a boy with a stammer. He often used to run out of time early and had to stay silent for days.'

Police expect to catch the suspect soon, according to Inspector Magnus Hanesson: 'Malmo is built on a grid, so there's only a limited number of spaces he can move to. He won't get far.'
8:53 PM

 
Town to Host Hitler Birthday Celebrations
Rick Sutton in Sheffield



Gleesdon Town in Sheffield today put itself at the centre of a political dispute by announcing plans to celebrate Hitler's birthday on 20 April 2005. If still alive, the dictator would be two hundred and six.

The Hitler plans were approved by the borough council after it refused to sanction St George's Day celebrations on 23 April, claiming that ethnic communities 'would find them racist'.

Councillor David Hook explained the committee's decision by saying they didn't want to offend those families and people in the borough who 'don't speak or look English.' He added: 'St George's Day is about the legend of a magical knight who saves a maiden by slaughtering a mythological creature - a dragon - who's about to eat her. We just couldn't see how a non-English family could relate to that.'

Instead, a wild day of Nazi-esque celebrations is planned, beginning with a rally and parade in the town square at 11am, followed by the forced closure of selected small businesses at midday. The night before, several gangs on bikes (pictured above) are expected to violently disrupt a Socialist Workers Party meeting at the town hall. Starbucks will be creating a special 'Gestapoccino' to add some razzmatazz to the day.

Cathy Barrow, a teacher at Gleesdon Primary School, welcomed the idea as the preparations for the fete had so far encouraged a strong work ethic in the pupils. 'It's a wonderful, wholesome idea and all of the children have taken to it immediately. I told them it will be much like the Christmas fete, except I've asked them to make Fuhrer cakes instead of fairy cakes, and on the day itself I'll be awarding yellow stars for bad, rather than good, behaviour. The children with the most yellow stars will be taken off and...oh, I don't want to ruin everything by giving it away!'

Not everyone in Gleesdon is overjoyed by the plans. Jewish estate agent, Harry Rose, was sceptical about the project. 'I'm not sure how it's going to turn out. I received a letter from the council yesterday asking me if I would mind having my shop window smashed the evening before. I replied saying I wouldn't mind as I'm keen to do my bit for the community, but thinking about it now it could be an inconvenience.'

The borough council advise booking tickets early. Those who arrive without tickets will be shot.
11:55 PM

 
World's Greatest Living Artist Unveils New Masterpiece
Mike Schipper in Manhattan



New York's Guggenheim musuem last night hosted the eagerly-anticipated unveiling of a major addition to the world of art.

Chuck Mahoney, often referred to by critics as the world's greatest living artist, ended his ten year gallery absence with the introduction of 'White Bird On a Bald Man's Head'. It's a distinct departure from 1994's (Untitled) and 1995's (I Can't Think of a Title, No Really I Can't).

Critics instantly hailed it a modern masterpiece, calling it 'a Mona Lisa for our age', adding 'you can't quite tell if he's smirking or frowning - and that's just the bird.'

But critics also seized on the portrait's clever and thought-provoking comments on physical disability. The subject, British actor Patrick Stewart (of Star Trek fame), has seen his career almost destroyed by the small white bird which landed on top of his head eighteen months ago and refuses to leave. The condition is known as Hitchcock's syndrome.

At last night's preview, Stewart explained the impact the illness has had on his life: 'Eighteen months ago I was playing the part of a serial killer in a new movie called Tree Jumper. The character kills his victims by climbing high up trees, then jumps on them as they wander below. Most of the murders take place in a forest. If landing on them doesn't kill them instantly then he would have to stab them.

'During filming I spent five or six hours a day sitting in trees. One day a bird landed on my skull, gripped it tight and wouldn't leave. Four weeks later it was still there. The writers couldn't work the bird into the script. Six weeks later I was axed.

'It's been devastating. The acting parts have completely dried up. There are very few roles that require the actor to have a bird on his head. I did audition for one role in Eastenders that required it, but I was told the bird "wasn't cockney enough". In other auditions I've tried to make out it's a toupe, but it's hard to convince them when it starts chirping.'

Stewart contacted Chuck Mahoney with the idea of the portrait to try and raise awareness of the condition. 'Patrick came to me and said he wanted to dispel some of the myths about Hitchcock's syndrome. I said to him "What kind of myths?" and he replied "That I constantly have a bird sitting on top of my head," then I looked up at Pete (that's the name he's given to the bird), and said to Patrick "But you do," so that's what I painted.'

Chuck continued: 'I feel sorry for Patrick. He can't wear a warm hat which isn't great for a bald man in winter. I suggested that he tries a top hat to leave some room for the bird, but he's worried it will suffocate. He doesn't want to kill it.'

The painting will be in the Guggenheim for the next two months only, having already been sold to a Japanese collector.

Patrick Stewart's autobiography 'What the Fuck's Happening To Me?' will be available in shops in May.
11:21 PM

 
London Axe Murderer: 'I Made a Boo-Boo'
Mike Schipper in Swiss Cottage



The waiter who brutally hacked to death a man in his sixties on Monday morning in north London has admitted he attacked the wrong person.

Jospeh Sheeban, 37, almost beheaded Brian Mezzit with an axe in the leafy suburb of Swiss Cottage. Mr Mezzitt, who was out walking his dog at the time, died later in hospital with severe head injuries.

The coroner believes the victim died as a direct result of the axe attack and said it was 'unlikely' that such injuries could have occurred simply by walking the dog.

Sheeban told reporters how he first saw the victim while passing by on the bus.

'I was looking out the window when I thought I saw this guy I had an argument with about cheese in 1985. It was the old brie vs. camembert debate - I'm for brie. I jumped off the bus and pursued him.

'As I ran up to him from behind I shouted "You've had this coming for twenty years you bastard!", then hit him with the axe.

He fell to the pavement and I was sprayed with blood. You can imagine my embarrassment when I saw that it was the wrong person: I felt like a right lemon. Yes, I made a boo-boo.'

Mr Sheeban said: 'It just goes to show how similar people can look from behind. I was actually hoping it was a guy called Doug Andrews, though thinking about it now he was a much taller man.'

Detective Colin Foster (pictured above) said that Sheeban is unlikely to face charges. 'The lad knows he's made an error of judgement and is obviously feeling bad about it; the fact he can hold his hands up and admit he's made a mistake shows a lot of character. Once we realised what had happened we were all able to have a good laugh about it. I'm for brie too.'

On hearing the news Mr Mezzitt's daughter, Mina, accepted that it was 'just one of those things.

'But the government does need to do more to educate people about the dangers of dog walking,' she added.
10:28 PM

 
Mother's Day Card Sales Increase
Mike Schipper in Bournemouth



New figures released by the Mother's Day Foundation (MDF) today pointed to a surprising increase in the number of Mother's Day cards sent in the UK this year.

In 2004, 13,800,019 cards were sent, compared to 13,800,020 in 2005. "That's an increase of one," said MDF spokesman Adam Berner (who isn't a mother). That's why it's surprising. Normally we'd expect the numbers to stay exactly the same year on year, because once you've been a mother, you can't stop being a mother can you? So, this is very odd. I would try and give a better explanation, but as you can see you've caught me at rather an awkward moment." We left Mr Berner standing over the bodies of his dead parents.

According to the Royal Mail's figures, the increase can be attributed to the growing trend of boyfriends sending Mother's Day cards to their girlfriends. We spoke to George Perkin and his girlfriend Alison Tithe (pictured above), who've been dating for two years.

"I just thought it would be an appropriate thing to do this year", said Mr Perkin. "Alison reminds me of my mother in so many ways...the colour of her hair, her lips, the shape of her waist...by sending her a Mother's Day card I thought it would bring us closer together."

Miss Tithe, who recently discovered that she's unable to have children, disagreed. "I don't know why he did it. I woke up on Sunday to find a card laying on my chest. The corner of the envelope was stabbing my left nostril. I knew it wasn't my birthday so I opened it up and found a bloody Mother's Day card inside. He'd written in it 'To Mum (Alison), thank you for always being there for me - have a wonderful Mother's Day.' I didn't understand it. I'm not his Mum, I only met him a few years ago."

Mr Perkin, who frequently attends piano recitals, was unrepentant. "I think it's important to show someone you love that you love them. If you don't love them then you shouldn't show that you love them, but if you do love them then you should. I've got an amazing Father's Day planned for Alison too."
12:05 AM