Thought of the Day
Many of today's celebrities are either gay...



...Canadian...



...or both.


12:01 AM

 
170 Factory Staff Lose Jobs Over Tart
Michael Schipper in York



A randy boss's obsession with a fruit tart has cost 170 workers their jobs. Love-struck Paul Smee splashed out over £3m on the dessert, which he picked out from the chilled cabinet on aisle nineteen of his local Sainsbury's last June.

He lavished expensive gifts on the sweet-tasting food, buying it a diamond-studded refrigerator and taking it away for romantic weekends to Barcelona and Rome.

But the cash used to seduce the tart was stolen from the sausage design firm that Mr Smee owns in Yorkshire, building it up from scratch in the early 1970s to a thriving company of 170 employees by the end of 2003.

Life-long friend, James Cannon said: 'He's always had a thing for desserts. I remember once at a dinner party he was served with a slice of Black Forest gateau, but he refused to eat it. He just sat there lightly running his spoon over the sponge.

'Several times, I saw him at a local restaurant with apple turnovers. One thing he liked doing in particular was smothering them with cream and slowly licking it off.'

Ex-wife, Jill Sanders, was surprised to learn Mr Smee had so much money. 'The firm was in a great deal of trouble when he first started it. They wanted to bring in all these radical designs for sausages but they just proved too difficult to manufacture. They wanted to make a pork and leek one in the shape of Windsor Castle, but the turrets never came out right and you could only fit one in a packet.

'The best one they came up with was a venison sausage in the shape of a double helix, you know, like DNA.

'But he was never much of a husband. I thought he was seeing a woman behind my back called Claire. It was only after all this came out that I realised he was seeing an 'eclair'. I should have known - I saw the chocolate marks on his shirt collars often enough. I thought he was just a messy eater.'

Business partners knew him as a doting father. Despite the break up of his marriage ten years ago, he claimed to spend the weekends with his children. But he was easily led astray during that trip to the supermarket in June, by the tart's promise of less than '10% fat' and 'only the freshest ingredients'.

The firm is now on the brink of bankruptcy and the staff have been told they won't have jobs next week. Mr Smee faces jail after being convicted of theft, fraud and lewd behaviour in public.

In a new development, police have removed the hard drive from his computer and are believed to be examining it for photographs of unbaked puddings.
1:08 AM

 
New Cure For Bird Flu Fails
Michael Schipper in Yangoya



Last week, poultry farmers began to treat their stock with extra strength doses of Lemsip. But health officials in Thailand were disappointed to learn yesterday that the radical cure for bird flu has so far failed to work.

Lee Fo Hook owns a small farm west of Bangkok and has over three thousand chickens. 'My wife and I spent four days and four nights feeding the medication to the birds. It shouldn't have taken so long, but each one has their favourite mug.

'Initially, we thought the treatment was working. After a day or so, most of the chickens seemed more spritely and were laying plenty of eggs. That didn't last long; they soon started sneezing again. We can't afford to keep buying them boxes of tissues - they only ever want the expensive ones with balsam.'

The Thai government has refused to allow scientists to begin work on an expensive new vaccine and are encouraging farmers to try the blackcurrant flavour of Lemsip instead.

The news comes after fears the virus is spreading. On Monday, agricultural scientists confirmed that three cats had contracted the disease. However, there was good news when Terence Conran, founder of Habitat, confirmed the virus cannot be passed on to soft furnishings.



12:01 AM

 
Charity Worker to Sue TV Channel
Michael Schipper in Philadelphia



A celebrated charity worker is to sue a Philadelphia news channel after it accused her of being a criminal during a primetime report.

Eugenia Austin was interviewed by PhilNews in early February after she successfully raised over $3m for the Lightbulb Foundation. The charity gives aid to people too short to change lightbulbs and have a fear of stepladders (known as Edison's Disease). It supports the development of buildings with low ceilings and long-life lightbulbs.

The station approached Ms Austin to take part in a new feature called 'Philadelphia's Finest'. The recording passed off uneventfully, but when the report was screened in the evening, she was horrified to see that the wrong caption had been used, naming her as a shoplifitng suspect (above).

Mrs Austin began raising the money in 2000 after meeting her future husband at a beard trimming conference. 'We began talking and he told me he had Edison's Disease. I didn't think anything of it until he invited me back to his apartment after our first date a few weeks later.

'I asked him to turn on the lights, but he just refused. I thought he was trying to be romantic, so I tried flicking the switches but all of the bulbs were blown. Then I remembered about his condition. He told me that he'd spent the last ten years living in darkness because of it. My heart went out to him and so I decided to help.'

The fundraising finished four years later at the end of January. She raised the money by being sponsored to ignore her husband and have no physical or verbal contact with him. 'There were times when I wanted to speak to him so much', she said. 'I remember on one occasion he stepped out in front of an oncoming taxi. I wanted to scream, but I bit my lip and said nothing.'

Mrs Austin hopes to sue PhilNews for $1m, most of which she is planning to donate to the charity. 'The rest will be used to take care of my husband, who is wheelchair bound.'

A PhilNews executive expressed regret at the incident but said it was a common technical error. He recalled the caption during the BBC's infamous interview with Mother Theresa , which referred to her as a 'charity wanker'.
12:01 AM

 
Could Margaret Fool You?
Michael Schipper in London



Margaret Lemming, 42, (pictured above) has had sex with eight different men over the last six weeks. Nothing unusual about that, but look closely at the pictures. Come on, closer than that. Notice anything unusual about her, apart from the rope around her neck? Give up? Here's the answer: if you look very carefully, you will discover that Margaret is really a man.

Margaret is the star of the new Channel 5 reality show 'Have I Got Nuts For You', in which she is challenged to seduce a man, make love to him and not give away her true gender identity.

So far, viewers have been hooked on the series. Yesterday, we took Margaret out onto the streets of London to see if she could fool even more men to add to the tally of the eight she's tricked already.

We shared Margaret’s secret with Ron Bailey, of Guildford, Surrey, and he said: I’m so shocked. I’d never have guessed she was a man.

The 36-year-old casino clerk added: 'Normally the hands or chin give it away but there are no tell-tale signs with her. She looks like the perfect woman.'

Shoe buffer Alex Kidzoff, 27, from Poland, said: 'I would never have been suspicious but, now you have told me, I do think she’s got quite heavy facial features for a woman. But I definitely would go on a date with her, she probably has soft balls. If not, I could buff them.'

Paul Redford (above), began dating Margaret after the series ended. He was seduced by her in the third week of filming. 'We had a meal in a restaurant then went to a bar and began drinking heavily. I was on vodka and cokes, she was on Baileys. It was a mad night: I think I downed about three in the space of four hours.

'I knew things were too good to be true when I got her back to mine and straightaway she wanted to do anal. I was a bit surprised. I'd only invited her back for a game of Connect Four, but she didn't seem interested in that. I even suggested we play Lord Netherington rules [which allows the player with the red chips to win by placing only one in a row, although the player with yellow chips must start first] but again she refused.

'So we ended up in the bedroom. I thought things were a bit odd because she insisted on having the lights off and only letting me take her from behind. Oh, and she didn't like me grabbing her cock either.

'Still, I love her all the same, even if she does give me high blood pressure. Maggie gets me so horny I have to wear a bumbag over my crotch whenever we go out. I've had it since 1991 and I wear it all the time. It's waterproof too so I can go swimming with it, although it can weigh me down at times.'

With the money earned from the programme, Margaret hopes to have the final operation that will make her a woman. Former boxer, Chris Eubank, has offered to buy her penis.
12:16 AM

 
New Blair Witch Film Panned By Child Groups
Michael Schipper in Los Angeles



The familiar close up of a brightly lit face transfixed by fear. The heavy breathing and jerky hand-held camera. It could be any normal family home movie. But it isn't. The exclusive picture above is from Blair Witch 3: Babyville.

The summer blockbuster is directed by newcomer, Bill Silverstone, cousin of Batman star Alicia. The film follows exactly the same plot as the first Blair Witch movie, but all the characters are played by babies. Critics who have viewed early cuts of the film welcomed it as a breath of fresh air but said it was light on dialogue.

Family groups in New England, where the film was shot, have decried the use of babies and claim they are being exploited. Pat Conan, of the Baby Care Society, called the film 'a pointless experiment'. She was particularly unhappy with one scene, where the babies are made to lug heavy camera equipment across a stream by crawling over a log.

However, the film did represent a breakthrough for one adult: Eric Cantona makes a guest appearance in his fourth Hollywoood feature. He plays a tree.
12:01 AM

 
NASA Scientists: Spirit Goes 4-3 Up!
Michael Schipper at the Kennedy Space Center



One half of the NASA team responsible for the land rover mission to Mars was celebrating last night after their car, Spirit, finished first to win the latest race between the two rovers. Spirit now leads Opportunity by a single heat in the best of eleven contest.

The remote-controlled vehicles have spent over six weeks on the red planet, running a total of seven races. The latest one was by far the closest, with Opportunity finishing only three minutes behind the winner over a two-mile course.

The team that wins the contest overall stands to claim a $50 prize. Electronics expert, Doug Andersen, has worked on the Mars project for over seven years. The first of those years was in 1932. 'It will be fantastic if we beat the Opportunity guys. I've taken nothing but shit from them on every occasion that I've worked here, but we've got them by the balls now.'

However, NASA critics have accused the space agency of wasting US taxpayers' money. So far, the rovers have achieved little in the way of scientific exploration. But Mr Andersen was quick to defend the scientists operating the vehicles 'Two weeks ago, Spirit drilled a hole in a rock. That was two days of consecutive drilling and when we finished it was only 0.3 inches deep. We learned much from this, such as the density of the rock and the many different elements that make up its composition.

'Also, we learned that it's very dull. At one point I stabbed my hand with a compass just to stay awake. We were delighted when Opportunity landed safely, it paved the way for some excitement.'

The next race will take place on Wednesday evening, allowing time for the cars to recharge their batteries using the solar panels.


12:04 AM

 
The New London Journal's Guide to Careers
With Michael Schipper



About ten minutes into the end credits of Tom Cruise’s latest film, The Last Samurai, you’ll see that someone has a job as a Horse Wrangler. The gentleman’s name is Phil Smith.

When I did work experience at school, I had no idea the job of horse wrangler existed, or horse whisperer for that matter. Ten years ago everyone was looking to work in IT and now it’s horse wrangling. I went out for a drink last night and couldn’t move for trainee horse wranglers. There was a group of horse whisperers drinking quietly in the corner.

The ‘priority seat’ on the tube used to be reserved for pregnant women and the elderly, now you have to give it up for horse wranglers.

I flew to San Francisco last week. The passenger in the seat next to me had a heart attack. I alerted the air hostess and she screamed out ‘Is there a horse wrangler on the plane?’. There were three.

Watching the credits, I noticed that no horse whisperer was used in the making of the film. The movie had a lot of horses in it, surely there must have been a need for a horse whisperer at some point?

Or maybe the role of horse whisperer can be performed jointly by a horse wrangler. Why then didn’t Phil Smith insist in the credits that he be referred to as a 'Horse Wrangler and Whisperer'. Maybe they are two completely separate disciplines, or maybe the role of whisperer is only a junior one, and it’s merely one of the courses you need to pass before becoming a fully-qualified horse wrangler.

If that’s the case, then it would be humiliating to have the title of Horse Wrangler tarnished by the word ‘Whisperer’ in the credits too.

If you would like to be a horse wrangler, then get in touch with your local Horse Wrangling Centre. You can usually find one next to a Starbucks.

12:01 AM

 
Thought of the Day


At what point do companies decide that a product is too big to sell in a box?

I saw an enormous cardboard box in someone's driveway yesterday. It must have been ten feet tall and four feet wide. What did it contain? A fridge-freezer, or a coffin perhaps? Turned on its side, it would have looked like a very small ski chalet.

Cars aren't sold in boxes, neither are buses because they're both too big. Hookers normally come in pairs so you can't fit them in a box.

And by that same token, if a product is too small how does a business know whether it merits its own box or not? Soap is very small and that comes in a box - why's that then?

Pacemakers are very small too, and yet they come in boxes. Just look at the man in the picture with his new pacemaker and the box which the surgeon forgot to remove.

When will industry share this great box secret with the public?
12:20 AM

 
Weekly Film Review
This week’s guest reviewer is Doug Le Toire, a dress designer from Notting Hill, who makes clothes for the elderly from the orange netting used to hold satsumas and clementines.



The Last Samurai

The year is 1874. The place is Japan. The issue is power. The drink is Babycham. Tom Cruise plays Randy Price, a buck-toothed buccaneer sent to Japan by the US government to find the last samurai. At first, the purpose of the mission is unclear but it later transpires the Japanese warrior owes Abraham Lincoln five dollars.

Price knows his search will take him the length and breadth of the country. Foolishly, he shuns the high-speed rail network in favour of a donkey. He roams the countryside for seven months but only succeeds in meeting the last of the Mohicans and the writers of The Last Tango in Paris. In one heart-stopping moment he does meet a samurai, but it turns out to be the eighteenth one, not the last.

Finally, he meets the last samurai two months later. The samurai offers him a twenty dollar note, but Price only has change for a ten. The mission a failure, he returns to the US where he is highly decorated but the donkey is sold into slavery.

12:01 AM

 
Kelis Runs into Trouble Over Milkshake Factory
Michael Schipper in Kentucky



Pop star Kelis is famous for having the best-tasting milkshake in her home town of Kentucky. Over the last two weeks, the unique flavour has brought over six hundred boys to her yard to try it.

However, local government officials have been forced to crack down on the singer after neighbours complained of unruly behaviour. If found guilty, Kelis could be facing 120 hours of community service, or the chair.

To add to her woes, the Kentucky Chamber of Commerce has accused Kelis of unfair competition for selling soft drinks on premises without a licence. Chamber member, Saiful Patark, runs the The Milk Sheikh (above) across the road from Kelis' house. 'I remember Kelis when she was a kid. She'd be out on the streets selling old-fashioned lemonade. That was fine by me, I didn't make lemonade. Now she's started doing milkshakes and ever since then I haven't been able to get a look in. Last month this place would have been crammed with male youths, but look at it now. Empty.

'Even worse, the boys who used to come here are getting abusive. They rat-tat-tat on my door in the middle of the night and shout "Damn right, it's better than yours." My family and I can't take it anymore.'

Mr Patark has spent the last few weekends preparing new flavour milkshakes to win the boys back. 'I've got Cranberry & Sultana, Pineapple & Potato and even Lamb, Mint & Banana - without the banana. We shall see how it goes. With all the boys gone, I may even have to consider allowing girls to drink here.'

Kelis' agent refused to comment on the star's drinks venture, but hinted that the singer also had plans to introduce a new range of ready-made meals for one.

12:05 AM

 
The Kelis Taste Test


Is Kelis' milkshake really that good? We decided to put it to the test by asking one lucky Londoner, Ryan Naseby, to try several and see how they compare. Ryan is currently living homeless in London after running away from his family home in Surrey. He's on the missing persons list, but don't worry Ryan - we won't tell your parents where you are if you won't!

Kelis' Milkshake - $1.95

Wow, this is really great! The strawberries and the papaya work so well together. And it's so creamy too - that must be the breast milk. I can't wait until my next glass, it will certainly take some beating.

Tesco's Finest Smoothie - £2.49

A tad expensive, but tasty nonetheless. I couldn't drink a lot as it has too much sugar for my liking, and it's only got a twenty per cent fresh fruit content. Kelis' had sixty-four per cent, maybe that's her secret.

Mr Patark's Butterscotch & Beefshake - $1.75

Hmmm. No. I don't like this at all. I see he's tried to undercut Kelis by being twenty cents cheaper, but you can tell the quality's not there. The butterscotch doesn't quite work with the beef, and the whole ensemble is just far too salty. I don't like the way it bubbles when you leave it standing for longer than three minutes.

Mr Patark retorted: 'This is an insult! Why would hers taste better than mine? I can't understand it - I use only the freshest semen!'

12:01 AM

 
New Evidence Emerges in Cockle Picking Tragedy
Michael Schipper in Morecambe



The New London Journal was told of new evidence today that casts doubt on the police’s theory that nineteen cockle pickers fell victim to the fast-rising Morecambe Bay tide a fortnight ago.

An independent autopsy authorised by one victim’s family showed traces of highly toxic pickled peppers on the cockle pickers fingers. Poisonous pickled peppers have been found growning in Morecambe Bay since the late 1970s. Unfortunately, they look exactly like cockles.

Toxins expert, Prof. George Cutts, said that poisonous pickled peppers paralyse prey within a matter of minutes. ‘The cockle pickers must have picked a peck of pickled peppers. Unbeknown to them, one pickled pepper is extremely poisionous, so a peck of pickled peppers which the cockle pickers picked would be fatal.

‘I’m highly perturbed that a pack of cockle pickers has picked pecks of pickled peppers without knowing the dangers that picking a peck of pickled peppers can bring. Any cockles picked would be contaminated too. If I was a local supplier of cockles, I’d be extremely wary of purchasing contaminated cockles from cockle pickers who may have picked a peck of pickled peppers.’

The cockle contamination may now be widespread. Town Mayor, George Washington, said that certain questions needed to be answered. ‘What we must ask now is if the cockle pickers have picked pecks of pickled peppers, how many pickled peppers have the cockle pickers picked?’
12:01 AM

 
Tories Outline Plans to Save £35bn
Harry Lamb, Political Correspondent



The shadow chancellor has unveiled complex plans to save the British taxpayer £35bn over the next six years.

Oliver Letwin said the Tories would cut taxes and still meet Labour’s pledges on public spending, including putting a toilet attendant in every London nightclub by 2007.

He announced that Tory MPs had spent the last five years collecting points on Sainsbury’s reward card scheme. The points could pay for three new hospitals, two thousand new doctors, or could be redeemed for one return trip to Hull (weekdays only).

Yet, embarrassingly it was leaked that several MPs had collected Tesco’s ABC points by mistake.

Other cost-cutting plans included building bus shelters with much lower roofs and banning sushi bars from installing conveyor belts, which Mr Letwin condemned as ‘a waste of electricity.’

A spokesman for Yo! Sushi, the successful kaiten chain, said if the Tories take power in the next election, they would make the customers revolve around the food instead.

Mr Letwin delivered yesterday's speech to an empty room to save money on tea, coffee and biscuits for guests.

Labour sceptics poured scorn on the ideas. ‘Lower bus shelters are ok for shorter people, but what about the really tall ones that use public transport?’, one commented.
12:01 AM

 
UPS to Review Operations in India
Michael Schipper in Bangalore



Worldwide courier, UPS, announced a sweeping review of it’s Bangalore delivery centre after another horse was left dangling due to overloading yesterday.

The accident happened during heavy traffic as UPS workmen attempted to load the cart with bricks. As the final box was heaved onto the cart it suddenly tipped backwards causing the horse to fly wildly up into the air.

The horse and driver were due to deliver their consignment to the University of California by midday today. They were not expected to make the next-day delivery promise and UPS are to consider offering a full refund.

The courier, Patender Gopaul, almost broke his neck as the horse bucked. ‘My family will be horrified. My friends will be laughing at me. I have brought a great shame upon us all. And what about poor Hoopy - he didn't sign up to be treated like this!’

A University of California spokesman said it would be the last time they order bricks from India and would probably turn to an American supplier instead. The Californian Brick Company, next door to the university, was said to be interested in pitching for the contract.

UPS admitted that in a similar accident a horse has been left treading air while the rescue team tries to work out how to bring it safely to ground. It has been dangling since 1994.

Local resident, Gargy Kipoor, said he often saw the UPS horses struggling to pull the heavy loads. 'Sometimes they move very slowly,' he said 'but still, they are much more efficient than the dolphins. They just flapped around in the dust and didn't move an inch.'
12:01 AM

 
The New London Journal's Valentine's Special: The Love Train (Part 2)
With Alan Bunton



Hello Internet Daters!

Welcome back to the second part of my Valentine's special. Lots of you have been asking recently about what creates a special bond between a man and a woman. Usually, I find that handcuffs do the trick, or in some cases, Hepatitis C.

If you still haven't got your loved one a Valentine's Day present, then you better be quick about it! You don't need to spend a lot of money, it's the thought that counts. Remember at the end of the film 'Seven', when Gwyenth Paltrow wanted to be with Brad Pitt so much, she cut off her head and sent it to him in a box? Why not do that too? You only need to pay for postage and package, although you may want to help someone wrap it for you.

Read on for some more of your Tube love messages...

***

There is this young Asian girl who gets on the train every day from 4.30pm to 4.31pm. She is white, cute-looking and smells of peanuts. I don't know her name. My mate Ricky thinks she looks like a 'Sonia', although I think she's more of a 'Zoobrakis'. I think I've overheard her friends call her 'Dave'. She left her umbrella on the train once, so I grabbed it, chased after her and tried to hand it back. She said it wasn't hers. Someone banged angrily on the train window and gestured in my direction as the train left the station. To this day, I still don't know why.

Mark

***

You are on the Central Line when I get on at Bond Street between 17:30 and 17:45, and your destination is Northolt. Sometimes, if the train is crowded I deliberately block your route to the door. You may remember me from last week: I was the girl lying on the floor in front of you. Like a gentleman, you stepped over me, then turned and kicked me in the head. I hope I have this bruise forever - you're wonderful!

Julia

***

You are a sexy bitch! I see you get on at Oxford Circus at six o' clock. I get on a few stops before you, so I get a seat. Ha! Sometimes you stand in front of me while I sit - I'm the one holding an onion. I watch your boobs jiggle with the movement of the train and fuck me is that hot! I have taken a few upskirt shots of you on my camera phone. I hope that's alright. If you don't like them you can buy them back - I'm selling them on eBay.

Jason

***

If you recognise yourself here, then leave a comment below and I'll set you up on a date.

Tara,

Alan
xxx
12:02 AM

 
The New London Journal's Valentine's Special: The Love Train (Part 1)
With Alan Bunton



Hello Internet Daters!

How has your love life been since we last spoke in January? Mine has been nothing but full of excitement! I met a very sexy pub landlady who had her nipples pierced. I took them in to be done last Tuesday. That reminds me - I must give them back to her.

It's Valentine's Day today and this is one of the few times of the year when you can find love without having to pay for it. You don't need any mistletoe either and you can leave the iceberg lettuce at home too. I once bought some mistletoe from a very helpful man in Camden. He was such a joker, he even told me to smoke it!

Lots of you have written in asking me to help you find that sexy man, woman or boy you've seen on the Tube on the way to work. I've printed some of your messages below. If you recognise yourself, post a comment with your email address and we'll cook you up a date. Look out for more of these in the future!

***

We see you every day walking down Richmond Road, Kingston between 8am and 8.15am. I wear a purple coat and my friend wears a white one. Last Friday you were wearing a green coat but you are usually in your long, black coat. We passed an elderly woman in a beige coat once. She was walking a little Jack Russell: it was wearing a tartan coat.

We are doing our GCSEs and when we're older we want to be vets. Janine has had sex for real. You have recently started smiling at us which really brightens up our day. We just want to tell you that you're hot. You look like a shorter version of Will Young but with black hair. Oh, and your chin's not as big either.

Melissa and Janine

***

I don't see you often enough because you must start work at a different time to me. Either that or your boyfriend is banging you in the arse in the mornings which is making you late. And don't tell me you haven't got a boyfriend. I see him pick you up from work on Wednesdays, and then you both go to Fitness First in Slough. When I see you on the train you are half asleep. I slipped a note into your handbag one morning with my number on it. Why haven't you called?

Trevor

***

I see you most mornings! You get on at Harrow-on-the-Hill and off at Eastcote. I find that strange because you work in the Post Office at Harrow-on-the-Hill: I know this because you've shortchanged me on more than one occasion. I forgive you though because you have a sexy limp. We spoke once too! It was the very first time I used the Tube. The train came to a halt alongside the platform and the doors opened. I was having no luck boarding it and then you came along. You noticed I wasn't standing in front of the doors and was trying to get on through one of the windows. I felt so foolish. Luckily you were there to rescue me, otherwise I'd have been late for my first day at work! Say 'Hi' when you next see me. Excuse my dog breath.

Tina

***

Readers, be romantic and have a beautiful day! Don't worry if you're single, there's always next year. Or death.

Lots of love,

Alan
xxx

12:01 AM

 
Children Culling Begins
Michael Schipper in Pennsylvania



The second weekend of February approaches and it's time for the children-culling season to begin. The ever-popular event, which just seems to get bigger each year, will take place from 14th-15th February in Pennsylvania.

Event organiser, Chad Riley, was expecting a big turnout. 'Last year over 10,000 families turned up and we're expecting double that this year.' Prices range from $5 for a newborn to $60 for a teenager. Children aged over sixteen are considered to be adults and are not eligible. As usual, the entrance gate to the event is disguised as Disney World.

The event is sponsored this time by Coco-Cola and Gap, who last week anounced plans to axe children's clothing in favour of the elderly person's market. New Gap shopping trolleys are expected to go on sale in June.

However, there was disappointing news when Riley announced previous sponsors, McDonald's, will not be attending. 'We didn't think it appropriate, as they've added fresh fruit to their kids range of products now. And salads.'

Amnesty International and the NSPCC both expressed concern when told of the event, and said they are planning to disrupt it.

Tickets and flight packages are available through the Abergavenny branch of TicketLord on 01372 991 674. If booking by phone, swallow three laxatives, eat a large curry and then go for a ten-mile jog in your underpants to qualify for a 10% discount, courtesy of The New London Journal.
12:12 AM

 
Thought of the Day
I was in America recently. Every third person I met was a Vietnam vet. How many vets does one army need? No wonder they lost the war.
12:10 AM

 
Kellogg's New Special K Advert Revealed
Michael Schipper in London



Kellogg's are to relaunch their Special K brand cereal this spring, with a new £4m ad campaign. TV spots will run for three months in ITV's fat show, Celebrity Fit Club.

The New London Journal was invited to the filming of the ad and was granted permission to print the script below. One Kellogg's marketing executive said that although the ads were new, the cereal would remain unchanged and therefore flavourless. Hence, the need for an advertising campaign.

Kellogg's Special K (April 2004) - Final Script:

It is a typical ‘Special K’ advert setting - early morning meditterranean chic. The scene takes place under a clear blue sky in a bleached white holiday apartment. The camera focuses on two flats next to each other, the balcony stretching across both with a divide in the middle.

An attractive woman in her late twenties is exercising in her white bikini to syncopated music. Close-up shots of her body show smooth, tanned skin and elegant lines.

She stops exercising and retreats into her apartment for a shower. Meanwhile, the camera pans right to witness the glass doors of the adjacent apartment slide open. An unshaved man in a blue dressing gown stumbles onto the balcony and squints in the sunshine.

The woman returns to the balcony from her shower and drops a plate loudly onto a glass table.

Man: Hey you!

Woman: Do you mean me?

Man: Yeah you, yer cunt. What the fuck are you pissing about on the balcony for? It’s 5.30.

Woman: I always get up at this time.

Man: And start wanking about on the balcony?

Woman: I do my exercises, yes.

Man: Yer fuckin’ woke me up, yer radio’s too bloody loud and now yer banging plates about.

Woman: I’m sorry, but I’m making my breakfast.

OFF-SCREEN SOUND FX: Baby crying.

Man: And now you’ve woken up the fucking baby.

Woman: Oh dear.

Man: What?

Woman: I appear to have run out of milk. Could I borrow some of yours?

Man: Can you borrow some milk? After waking me up at 5.30? No you fucking can’t. Now piss off.

The man steps inside his apartment and slides the door shut with force. The camera pulls back. His dressing gown gets caught in the door and as he steps forward it slides off his shoulders, to leave him standing there naked.

VOICE OVER: Don’t be a cunt - eat Special K!
12:19 AM

 
Kerry Moves a Step Closer to the White House
Michael Schipper in Michigan



Presidential candidate, Senator John Kerry (above), was celebrating last night after taking Louisiana. Supporters of the Vietnam veteran praised him for his dogged determination and fighting spirit. He then went on to take Mary, Mercedes and finished with their mother, Leanne.

It was a night of double celebration for the self-made millionaire who's hoping to win the right to challenge George W Bush in the November election. He won fifty-two per cent of the vote in the Democratic caucus in Michigan, which was a surprise to many of Mr Kerry's rivals. It later emerged that due to a spelling error they'd been competing for the vote of a carcass in Michigan. The dead animal was later identified as a caribou.

Former frontrunner, Howard Dean, was particularly irate when he heard of the mistake. 'I can only put this down to mismanagement of the campaign at my HQ and will fire all those responsible.' Even worse, the caribou snubbed Dean by failing to visit any of the six polling stations set up within a three-hundred yard radius from it's decaying body.

An increasingly confident Mr Kerry, 60, was also tipped to win in Wisconsin next week. Democrats have been impressed with his sharp attacks on President Bush and his imaginative policies. One such proposal is to give all grazing cattle pink slippers. If this proves unfeasible, he hopes to give the green light to a manned mission to Mars.

12:04 AM

 
Confusion Over Hunt for Weapons of Mass Destruction
Michael Schipper in Basrat



The New London Journal can today reveal that the US team spearheading the hunt for Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction has spent the last ten months searching for badgers.

The confusion arose at the very beginning of the search mission when military scientists faxed Lead Inspector, Kent Cunningham (left), a picture of the weapons he was supposed to be hunting. It now appears that Cunningham picked up the wrong fax.

Commenting to a London journalist, Cunningham admitted he was surprised when the fax arrived. 'I was expecting to see a document with diagrams of sophisticated warheads. You know, missiles mounted onto the back of transporters, uranium rods and caravans kitted out with bio-chemical units. But instead I got a picture of a badger. I waited fifteen minutes, but nothing else came through.'

US military insiders expressed dismay at the news. 'We feel like ten months has been wasted, why would he have thought we wanted to find badgers?'

The Senate called for President Bush to sack Cunningham immediately, but badger-fan Bush was reluctant to do so. 'They're great little creatures, I wanna find as many as we can. And just what do they know about Bin Laden?'.


12:01 AM

 
Fame Academy's Lemar: Now I'm About 70/30
Michael Schipper in Epping Forest



Fame Academy loser, Lemar Obika, announced this morning that if he was to take his Driving Theory Test tomorrow, he'd probably get about seventy per cent of the answers correct.

This is an improvement on last month when he rated himself only 50/50, which was also the title and subject of his second single. That song, which reached No. 5 in the charts, was a public attack on his ten-year old brother for refusing to help him revise:

Come on bro' -
You said you'd test me
I need to pass -
Can't pay for taxis
Hey man - don't try to kiss me
Right about now I'm 50/50

After studying in his room for five hours a day over the past four weeks, Lemar was in confident mood that he'd soon reach the eighty per cent mark needed to pass the test. 'I feel it's really coming together now. Back in early January I couldn't have even told you if all the cars were meant to travel the same way around a roundabout. But I did some research on the internet and also travelled around on buses and I think I've got that question sussed now.'

David Sneddon, winner of Fame Academy in 2002, wished Lemar the best of luck but also revealed the R 'n' B singer has an unusual disease which may hamper his performance. 'He should do well, as long as he can reach the desk. He suffers from a rare disorder which means he's compelled to lean right back into a chair whenever he sits down.'

Lemar passed his cycling proficiency test earlier last year on his thirty-second attempt, but turned to driving after his BMX was stolen outside a newsagent.





12:01 AM

 
The New London Journal's Business of the Week
Matthew Lampton, Business Correspondent



Above is a picture of The Curtain Alteration Shop in Barnet, the winner of this week's award. My wife and I went there last week to have our living room curtains altered because they were too long. They had them ready for us within the hour. Now we have matching pairs of trousers.

Owner Joyce Rosing takes pride in offering value for money and a high speed service. It's this strategy which has seen the business expand in a small but significant way: over the last ten years Joyce has overseen the acquisition of an extra waste paper basket and a water cooler.

The shop only does alterations for curtains. You cannot buy new curtains at the shop, neither can you get them dry cleaned or get custom ones made here.

Ms Rosing feels more comfortable accepting alterations for blue curtains, especially ones brought to the shop in a blue car. Alterations for yellow curtains are only accepted on Tuesdays and cost fifty per cent more because they bring her out in hives.

12:10 AM

 
Mate or Date?
This week on 'Mate or Date?' we ask Russell Gilbury of Ryman Way, Stoke Newington, if he'd rather be doing the following activities with a mate or a date.



Fishing: Mate
Cooking a meal: Date
Re-tiling the bathroom: Mate
Attending a local book group: Date
Having a conversation about Britney Spears: Mate
Re-setting all the electronic clocks in the house after a power cut: Mate
Trimming a man's moustache: Mate
Trimming a woman's moustache: Date
Fondling earlobes: Date
Following a stranger home from the tube to their front door: Mate
Looking at a chair: Date





12:45 AM

 
The New London Journal's Missing File
Have you seen this man? We haven't. That's because he's missing.

He's believed to be Glasgow reverse engineer, Prof. Arthur McKinsey. Well respected in his profession, and with two loving wives, both of Arthur's families are surprised that they've not heard from him for over three weeks.



This picture was taken by one of his students last March, in his research lab above the KFC in Mullion Road, Tooting. Being so close to the fast-food takeaway, Prof. McKinsey was often asked by his students about the promotions they had on offer. One of his students enquired as to how large the Mega-Bucket Feast was this month, and in this instance, McKinsey replied 'This fucking big.' He was known to his students for his sarcastic sense of humour, horribly twisted right leg and bleeding knee, which never seemed to heal.

As the photograph shows, he was not a dapper dresser and often had difficulty finding trousers to fit his deformed limb. His mother believes he's returned to Scotland and fears for his safety on the fashion-conscious Glasgow streets, when sometimes a well-cut pair of trousers is all that keeps a man from taking a beating.
12:21 AM

 
Blogging: Behind the Scenes
Imagine your blogging partner has left you and you're struggling to post on a daily basis. Is there a song you can sing to plead with them to come back? Yes, there is. It's the old Police hit 'Bed's Too Big Without You', adapted slightly.

Blog's too big without you
The blog's too big without you
The blog's too big
Without you.

12:01 AM

 
Timberlake Infuriates Fans with Second Grope
Michael Schipper in Idaho



Pop singer, Justin Timberlake, infuriated sports fans again yesterday by fondling a champion dolphin at the Idaho Animal Diving Contest.

The inappropriate incident took place at the fiftieth anniversary of the US event, which has a global audience of over forty-five million.

Timberlake, who was referreeing the competition, immediately went to congratulate Pippin (pictured right) after he completed a twenty-feet dive from the springboard. However, the rules strictly prohibit any contact between officials and competitors before the dive has been scored by the judges.

The singer ran his hand along Pippin's spine, causing both himself and the dolphin to become aroused.

Timberlake, fresh from his groping of fellow artist Janet Jackson at Sunday's Super Bowl, refused to apologise for the incident.

Animal diving enthusiast, Mary MacArthurs, who had paid over $67 for her seat, was one of the many fans who walked out in disgust.

Jane Matthewson, who paid only $4 for her seat, and was sitting next to Mrs MacArthurs, phoned the New London Journal to register a complaint. 'Hello? That there the London Journal? The new one? You listen up. It's seven hours since Justin be fondlin' that fish and he's got ma kids goin' stir crazy. I got Corey in the kitchen strokin' the tortoise, Marybeth is in the pool lyin' on top of the crocodile and Jolene is out back lickin' the wolves.'

Event organsiers said Timberlake would not be invited back next year.

Music industry insiders believed the Jackson stunt was to promote the career of the female singer who has suffered flagging record sales since announcing her decision to grow a scrotum.


12:03 AM

 
Thought of the Day


Why is that you always throw litter in someone else's bin at work and never your own?
12:01 AM

 
German Cannibal Gets 10 Years
Ben Jacket, Cannibal Correspondent



A Berlin cannibal was sentenced yesterday to ten years imprisonment after killing and cooking a fellow German.

Armin Miewes (pictured left), 42, posted messages in internet chatrooms in the hope of meeting someone who would volunteer to be eaten.

He struck up a friendship with key witness Hans Herral, 26, who was one of the first to reply. At the trial, Mr Herral recalled the occasion they spoke on the phone to discuss the arrangement.

'I remember he was very excited at the time. He was boasting that he'd received over four hundred replies to his advert. He was absolutely delighted! Only the week before I advertised in Loot for someone to share my flat and received only two responses. This is despite the fact it has a garden and is very spacious.'

Miewes' eventual victim was Martin Gellberg, 24, who ran his own stapler repair company in Stuttgart. He inherited the business from his father and opted to specialise in fixing ones that had jammed.

The jury was told how Mr Mellberg allowed Miewes to slice off his testicles and then fry them in garlic. 'It was an excellent first course, which we shared. However, as I served them up there was an awkward moment, but Martin quickly diffused it - I think his exact words were "No no, Armin, you have the larger one." '

Defending himself, Miewes commented that finding a good restaurant that cooked people was 'so hard these days', and spoke fondly of a visit he once made to the KFC in Tooting Broadway in 1983. Miewes confessed to the jury that in committing the act he had fulfilled a fantasy held since childhood, and admitted it could have happened much earlier in his life if only his request had been accepted by Jim'll Fix It.

The judge, although appalled by the act, said that Miewes was not a total savage because he does own a waistcoat and would have given him a much longer sentence if he hadn't used a knife and fork.


12:31 AM

 
Is This the World's Unluckiest Mathematician?
Michael Schipper in Paris

Yesterday was the birthday of Gaston Julia, a celebrated French mathematician who devised formulae for building fractal shapes. Fractals are pretty things that change colour and sometimes have whole programmes devoted to them on Open University at 2.33 am. Beyond this, they are of no use to anyone, but can make eye-catching wallpaper and screensavers.



Born in 1893, he had an interest in mathematics and music from a young age. His studies were interrupted at the age of twenty by a constant urge to go to the toilet. He was enlisted to fight the Germans in World War 1, which experts now believe was the first of the world wars.

In one operation on a cold and stormy night, Gaston and his regiment were bombed in a surprise attack. Gaston escaped relatively unharmed - except he had his nose blown off and had to wear a black leather strap across his face for the rest of his life. Sneezing was painful.

Gaston continued to get bad hayfever in hot summers. Winters were not much better: he became a teacher at the Joope Primaire Ecole and his mischievous pupils would compete against each other to see who could make him sneeze the most by sending him elaborate bouquets of flowers.

To make matters worse, ten years after the incident Gaston's eyesight deteriorated, which meant he had to wear glasses. They were constantly slipping off his face. He was an intelligent man, but it never occurred to him to wear goggles.

Surgeons wanted to attach a new nose to the hapless patient, but often there was a shortage of donors. One promising donor was dismissed by Gaston because he thought the nostrils too hairy.

Several attempts were made at giving Gaston false noses. The first operation, in 1925, was a success at first, until doctors realised they had sewn it onto his left arm. A second operation was performed in 1936, which saw a glass nose welded onto his face. It proved too heavy and unnaturally caused the patient to be constantly looking down at the floor. This was a problem for the professor who was a keen cyclist; he trialled the nose for two weeks but had it removed after running a red light and colliding with a milk float.

The third and final operation took place in 1934. This was a full two years before the second operation and historians have yet to explain this anomaly. The third nose was lighter; it was carved from balsa wood, but again proved to be unsuccessful. Gaston failed to varnish it regularly, which was a terrible error of judgement for someone so fond of walking in the rain.

He died on March 19, 1978 in Paris. He was 85 years old.

12:18 AM

 
New Training Programme for Gay Porn Stars
Michael Schipper in Texas

Benny La Rue, Pard Humpernickel, Ricky Rogers, Simon Cowell: many gay porn actors are now established household names. However, some of them it seems, are going back to school. Acting school.

The American Gay Porn Association has launched a new training programme to introduce a more realistic acting style into gay sex movies.

Committee Secretary, Ronald Donaldson hoped many people would see an improvement over the coming months. 'We're taking a lot of time with the smaller things to try and get the feel of the movie right, like facials. Many of the guys weren't taking it at the right angle, so we told them they gotta practice. Now we got guys taking facials from cows, chickens, even aardvarks. All heights and all angles are covered.'

Although not a compulsory course, once the actors have finished they will receive a certificate, and are more likely to be cast in the best roles.



12:54 AM

 
Weekly Film Review
by Michael Schipper



Ben Affleck plays Bob Collins, the best 'reverse engineer' in the business. A reverse engineer is someone who takes something to pieces in order to find out how it works. Also, it means he can repair toilets backwards, and at a very cheap price (although this is only alluded to in the film).

Collins is asked to take on a secret project by an unnamed corporate entity. Two months into the task, Collins receives his second paycheck and takes the time to examine it. Much to his irritation, he realises he's on the emergency tax code. 'For fuck's sake!' he moans. He returns home and digs out his first paycheck: he's on the correct code for that one, so what's going on?

The rest of the film is about Collins' wranglings with his company's finance department. They sympathise with his plight, but ultimately can't help him and advise him to contact his local tax office. Affleck excels as a man paying too much tax.



12:54 AM

 
Schipper's Original Miscellany: Technology
A woman's dress size versus the number of hours she spends per week in an internet chatroom.

0 hours...Size 8
1 hour...Size 10
3 hours...Size 12
10 hours...Size 14
18 hours...Size 16
30 hours...Size 18
45+ hours...Requires a specialist clothing retailer.

12:17 AM