The New London Journal
Saturday, January 31, 2004
Blogging: Behind the Scenes
What makes people want to blog? Here at the New London Journal, we are oh-so-keen to be as transparent as possible and invite you to peer behind the curtain into the strange and dark blogging community. This week, an IM discussion on blogging etiquette and the number of times you should contribute to a blog if you share writing duties with another human.
Mike UK: do you like Will Young's new album?
Mike UK: it has some great stuff on it, it reminds me of wham! in places
Peter UK: yes i do!
Peter UK: it reminds me of wham! in places
Mike UK: i just had a read of your blog. i like your musings!
Peter UK: !
Peter UK: !!!!!!
Mike UK: you contribute a lot to the blog
Peter UK: in spurts
Mike UK: ever thought of going it alone?
Mike UK: moving from a boy blog, to becoming a solo bloggist?
Peter UK: i don't think i could be bothered
Peter UK: bloggered
Mike UK: lol
Mike UK: that's what Gary Bloglow said at first
Mike UK: then he changed his mind
Peter UK: hahaha
Mike UK: but eventually, lost the battle to Bloggie Williams
Peter UK: hahaha!
Peter UK: yes
Peter UK: a tragedy
Friday, January 30, 2004
Thought of the Day
Sometimes green phlegm will suddenly rush into your mouth, maybe because you have just coughed or have a cold. Usually, this happens in a public place, so you're unable to spit it out straightaway in fear of offending strangers. So you look for a quiet corner to spit into but you can't find one. You've been swilling the phlegm around in your mouth for ten minutes now and you're having to breathe through your nose. Then you do see a corner and rush over to it, but then a friend you haven't seen for a while appears. It's too rude not to say 'hello', so reluctantly you stop and force yourself to swallow the phlegm. Bugger.
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Nigerian Boy Rescues Hairdresser's Dog, Wins Haircut
Michael Schipper in Lagos
Schoolboy Kolo Kwanje shows off his brand new haircut while holding Poo-Poo, the puppy he saved from being crushed by an articulated lorry yesterday.
The ten-week old pup raced into the road during the Lagos rush hour, chasing after a ball accidentally kicked into the path of oncoming traffic. The dog was caught by the quick-thinking boy before it reached the dusty highway.
Little did Kolo know that the dog belonged to holidaying hairdresser Tony Benedict, of Walthamstow, London. 'He broke free from the leash and ran off. I feared for the worse, so was overjoyed when I found him safe and sound with Kolo.'
It turned into a bonanza of a day for the young Nigerian. 'I rewarded his bravery with the only way I know: a brand new haircut for himself and all his family,' said Benedict. 'I do hope they are pleased - it was a little hard to understand precisely what they wanted.'
But Sarah Kwanje, the boy's mother, was not impressed. 'I told him to leave Kolo's fringe and to cut just above the ears. Look at him though! He's given my boy an extra four inches of forehead - what's he going to do with that?'
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Hutton Report: Kelly is Dead
Mel Andrews, Political Correspondent
It is 350 pages long, weighs seven pounds and is waterproof up to a depth of 10 metres, but Lord Hutton's report reached only one devastating conclusion yesterday: Dr Kelly is dead.
The former government scientist and weapons of mass destruction (WMD) expert, was found lying face down in woods near his home last July. He was discovered by Winnie the Pooh.
It had been thought Dr Kelly (pictured left) was only play-acting, so was carried back to his home later that day. Yet his family grew concerned after they detected no movement in him after several weeks, and morning after morning he would leave his Kellogg's All Bran unfinished. 'We used to bring it to him and say "Here you go Dad, have a bowl of Kelly's All Bran." There was a time when he'd laugh at that,' said his eldest daughter, Briony. He didn't. Realising something was amiss, the emergency services were called soon after.
An autopsy revealed that Dr Kelly died of a heart attack while out walking, a conclusion that Lord Hutton agreed with.
Dr Kelly's milkman, Dave Tungsten (pictured centre), was deeply upset at the news. Mr Tungsten formed a close relationship with the WMD scientist, after confiding in him that he had a phobia of being in photographs on his own. As they became close friends, Dr Kelly always accompanied him in photos and other portraiture.
The report went on to absolve the Prime Minister of any wrongdoing over the Kelly affair, but found the report on WMD had indeed been 'sexed up' by a goverment aide. Tony Blair announced that an investigation was underway immediately to find out exactly who did draw a picture of a willy and a bum on page twenty-seven of the original document.
In the final chapter of the report, Lord Hutton reveals that Dr Kelly was Tony Blair's father.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Fans Demand Action from NBA on Midget League Basketball
Michael Schipper in Washington
The Washington Stubs drew 0-0 again last night, this time against the Philadelphia Foot Stalls. It was the seventeenth successive game in the inaugral competition to finish 0-0 this year, from seventeen matches played.
The Arkansas Gnomes remain top of the league, and threaten to be the only team to win a sporting contest by virtue of alphabetical order.
As fans begin to tire of the no-score games, the National Basketball Association (NBA) admitted they may need to consider ways of changing the rules. The Stubs' coach, Sunrise Black, said the NBA should urgently review its use of using full-height nets, which place the hoop nine feet above the ground. 'My guys are out training 7.33/6.* Some are only two feet tall. That's a whole seven feet between them and the hoop. They're tired of throwing airshots.'
Local Stubs fan, Chuck Manning, left before the game ended. 'I knew what was gonna happen, I shouldn't have placed fifty bucks on it finishing 2-0. My friends told me not to do it, but I didn't listen. What with that, and the cost of the ticket [$45], it hasn't been a good value night. The people in charge have gotta do something.'
Last night's game did contain one bright moment: Raul Hernandes (pictured left) showed off his new move in which he rounds a player by 'going low', although some critics commented that going high would hardly have been an option. Unfortunately on this occasion, he was dispossessed by Duke 'Giant' Ching (right), and the ball went out of play.
*The Stubs are contracted to work seven hours and thirty-three minutes a day, six days a week, and they must swipe out at the end of their shift.
Monday, January 26, 2004
New Books
The Subtle Knife is the latest novel from fantasy writer Philip Pullman.
Take a look at the cover. Does that look like a subtle knife to you? It doesn't look particularly subtle to me. In fact, it looks like a rather flashy knife. The kind of knife someone who wanted to draw attention to themselves would own.
Halfway through the novel, you will discover the knife has magical powers. Since when did a 'subtle' knife have magical powers, like the ability to read people's minds or find out where The Corrs have gone? A subtle knife should be small, made of steel and be sharp enough to make precise cuts. The knife in this book is made of gold and has a built-in laser. Ridiculous!
January Restaurant Review!
The Kidney Channel, 126 High Street, Ealing W5
You wouldn't think that a cafe run by dialysis sufferers for dialysis sufferers could be called 'Fitzrovia's swankiest new venture', and you're right - it can't. For this restaurant is neither swanky, nor in Fitzrovia. It's small, yellow paint is bubbling off the walls like acne and it's in west Ealing.
Our first two attempts at dining there ended in failure. My guest and I arrived on a Wednesday at 11.15 pm, fifteen minutes after closing. We were refused entry and were told to return the following day, but at an earlier time. We arrived on the Thursday at 11.13 pm, but again found the restaurant to be closed. On Friday, we arrived at 4.30 am, and were seated by 8 pm.
Once your ears adjust to the sound of your fellow diners' whirring medical machinery, you will find the place oddly seductive. The food is more than tasty and the service is attentive, obsessive even. Our waiter, James, threated to detonate a grenade in his mouth if he couldn't hang my coat up for me when I first arrived. He had the device ready.
The portions are generous, but then so are the terribly shy owners, Ben and Betty Barker (above). They, and all the waiting staff who work there, have donated at least one kidney to a needy patient, some two. Because of this, several of the staff perform their waiting duties while connected to a dialysis machine on wheels, but in many instances the equipment doubles up as a sweet trolley.
The food took only moments to arrive at our table, and each plate was exquisitely cooked. A side dish of Walker's crisps was a clever finishing touch. We couldn't finish any of our courses, but the food didn't go to waste. Betty pours all of the leftovers into a trough at the back of the kitchen, and at the end of the night the waiting staff are allowed to eat from it, providing their hands are tied behind their backs to discourage them from scratching each other.
I'd recommend this eaterie to almost anyone, except Jeff.
Bookings: 0208 429 1984. Non-smoking. Bring your own wine.
Review by Laura Lambast
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Thought of the Day
If you say 'On your marks. Get set. Go!', you find it irritating when someone uses the alternative phrase 'Ready, steady, go!'.
Saturday, January 24, 2004
Thought of the Day
If the nineteenth century was about this...
...and the twentieth century was about this...
the twenty-first century is about this...
...and them...
Friday, January 23, 2004
The New London Journal Pop Vox - We Ask You!
This week Rose Mulligan, 73, from Ilford.
New London Journal: In her new song, US singer Kelis says that she uses milkshake to lure young boys into her yard. What do you use?
Mulligan: Sunny Delight.
Weekly Film Review
This week, our guest reviewer is cab driver Graham Redditch, who likes to collect non-sexual images of children in his spare time.
Bloody hell, this is shit. I knew it was going to be bad. I saw the trailer last week, which began with the words 'From the imagination of Tim Burton...'. It might as well have come from his arse. Does he think he's the only one with an imagination? That's typical of those arty types. Bunch of poofs. The film had giants and talking animals in it and stuff. Anyone can think of that. I imagined Britney Spears with a pool cue up her arse last night. Was that in the film? Like fuck it was.
Maybe Tim should imagine this: Big Fish is a box office flop and he spends the next ten years in the film-directing wildnerness.
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Day of Mixed Emotions for Boy Band Westlife
Michael Schipper in Folkestone Hospital
Pop hearthrobs Westlife went from exhilaration to sadness in the space of a few minutes today, after their surprise visit to awaken Sarah Cockstop from her five-month coma ended in tragedy.
Sarah, 17, was the victim of a hit-and-run driver in her home village of Tiverton. Yesterday, her mother made a public plea in the New London Journal for the Irish stars to visit her daughter, to which they responded.
The band entered ward forty-one at 12.32 pm, met Sarah's family and proceeded to sing several of their hits acoustically, including Flying Without Wings. Brian held her hand as they sang, while Nicky fondled her breasts. Ten minutes later, observers believed they had witnessed a miracle; Sarah's eyelids began twitching and they opened gradually as she regained full consciousness.
The moment of jubilation was tempered however, when doctors failed to notice the band's singing had caused a recovering patient in the bed adjacent to Sarah's to slip into a comatose state. Frantic attempts by medical staff to revive Sean Pottison failed, and the lorry driver from Norfolk is now on a life support machine.
Nicky attempted to revive him by fondling Sarah's breasts again, but the brave effort did not prove successful a second time.
So far, the band's management have refused to comment, but hinted that both incidents may appear in the boys' next pop video.
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Cockstop Mother: Westlife, We Need You!
Michael Schipper in Folkestone Hospital
Due to many readers' requests, the New London Journal returns once again to visit Sarah Cockstop, the young hit-and-run victim that still lies in a coma, five months after the terrible incident.
This is the seventh time I've been to visit her and it doesn't get any easier, especially as she still owes me £15 and I'm hoping she'll remember that if she wakes up.
The driver of the blue Renault Clio has never been caught, and the police show no sign of making progress. Some locals say the driver of the car was, in fact, a ghost!
If only she'd been more careful while on a night out with friends in Tiverton. If only she hadn't drunk so much - how was the driver to know she would stumble into the road like that? How could he be blamed?
I visited the same time as Sarah's mother, Catherine, who keeps a daily vigil except for Mondays, when she has badminton, and Friday mornings, when she does an Italian cookery class. I asked Catherine what she wanted for her daughter. 'Justice of course, to see her happy and well again, out of this wretched coma. Sarah is a huge Westilife fan and I'd give my soul away to bring them here to her, to see if they could help.'
Maybe Catherine should be hoping for soap instead. The nursing staff haven't been washing Sarah as thoroughly as they should and I noticed the sheets were starting to turn yellow. Would Westlife really want to see that?
If you have any information or thoughts on this crime, please call Tiverton Police Station on 01573 485 998, or leave a comment below. The family have already complained about it to the police, but the more the merrier!
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Is This Man a Rapist?
Michael Schipper in South London
Bob Jobson looks like any other ordinary man with a slight sneer. Blue shirt, green sweater and aviator-style glasses, he could be your best friend's dad. But is this man a rapist? No, he isn't!
Mr Jobson is a baker, and has just opened the first gourmet bread shop on Northcote Road in Clapham. The yeast fanatic first conceived of the idea in late 1985 while shopping in Tesco's.
'Each week I would buy plain sliced white bread, which was ideal for Marmite sandwiches but little else. I wanted to find out more. So, I decided to do a Bread Theory course at a local adult education centre, and discovered that there were many other varieties of bread, such as brown.'
Mr Jobson and his wife then set out to make as many different types as possible, and it wasn't long before they began asking their friends to buy it.
The new shop has loaf after loaf after loaf. One of the specialities they do is a plain white loaf, but sliced lengthways. It gives off a wonderful aroma.
But what of the rapes Mr Jobson? 'Look, I really I have no idea what you're talking about, and if you do so much as hint at such a totally false and slanderous allegation in this article then I will sue.'
First Picture of Digitally Remastered E.T. Movie
Michael Schipper in Hollywood
Sci-Fi fans were celebrating last night at the news Steven Spielberg is to release a digitally remastered version of the digitally remastered version of E.T.
The film about an alien who crash lands in Iowa, befriends a ten-year old boy, and eventually goes onto build a successful pet food franchise, is due for release at the end of this year.
Spielberg was eager to explain the new process involved in cleaning up the latest issue. 'For the 25th anniversary release, myself and the production team spent thousands of hours redefining shots, positioning the characters slightly differently and integrating new scenes. However, for this version, we discovered that a much sharper picture could be obtained simply by licking the celluloid.'
Spielberg left the interview moments later, on hearing news that his teenage daughter had been maimed in a car accident. As he was rushing to leave the building, several people insisted on congratulating the director on his impossibly tight buttocks, causing further delay to his departure.
Monday, January 19, 2004
Congestion Charge Extended to Scalectrix Tracks
Michael Schipper in Westminster
London Mayor, Ken Livingstone, today announced that the congestion charge had been extended overnight to include Greater London and all Scalectrix tracks within the M25.
The sudden move shocked many of the sport's enthusiasts, and motoring bodies immediately called for the Mayor's resignation. Members of the The Scalectrix Racing Club in Dulwich (pictured above) were bemused this morning to find the track empty and were told of the reason. 'This will keep people away for good,' said Clive Hamas, the club founder. 'We've got handsets here just lying around unused.'
Livingstone defended his decision, and claimed he'd attempted to compromise with racers by offering to charge the £5 levy on only some routes, but experts claimed that there are no alternative routes on a Scalectrix track.
In another disappointing move, the Mayor admitted that reductions would not be given to pensioners or to racers whose cars continually flipped off the tracks when negotiating tight corners.
Mavis Weathercock, 72, from Barnes was bitterly disappointed at the news, 'I think it's disgusting what he's doing, bloomin' disgusting. He ought to have his scrotum shaved.' Mrs Weathercock suggested that I have my scrotum shaved too, and wanted to see a picture.
Glider Crashes Near Motorway
Michael Schipper in Essex
Police have confirmed that two people died yesteday when a glider crashed into a field near Leekwood, Essex.
Who oh why didn't they just land at the airport? Surely from that height they could have seen it a mile off.
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Confusion Reigns at Council Tax Rally
Michael Schipper in Whitehall
Faulty megaphones were blamed for the breakdown of a protest against high council tax increases yesterday.
Thousands of OAPs were expected to march from Trafalgar Square to 10 Downing Street, but event organisers were unable to make themselves heard above the traffic and direct protestors along the correct route. Arthur Hodge spent twenty minutes speaking to the crowd through his megaphone, but complained that it kept cutting out and made him sound camp. Foul play has not been ruled out.
Hundreds of pensioners went to the new cafe in the National Portrait Gallery instead, and many more decided to go for a lunch and boat tour along the Thames.
In the end, only Georghe Tibilski, 73, made it to the gates of the Prime Minister's home. The New London Journal spotted the Ukrainian tourist drunk and surrounded by armed police. He was on holiday with his family who were spending two weeks in England. The police dealt with him using pepper spray and returned him to his family, hurt.
Saturday, January 17, 2004
Thought of the Day
Many of the problems encountered in Middle Earth could easily have been avoided, if only they'd had stricter border controls in place.
Frodo: I want to hear more about Samwise the Brave, and his application for a visa to enter Mordor.
Friday, January 16, 2004
Ex-Brazil Captain Reveals Reason For Ronaldo's Poor Performance in 1998 World Cup Final
Michael Schipper in Blackpool
Darren Dunga, former Brazil captain, today broke his silence over one of modern football's biggest mysteries: Ronaldo's below-par performance in the World Cup Final of 1998.
According to Dunga, (above, left) it was the pressure of the Brazil coach's strict regime throughout the six-week tournament that finally broke Ronaldo on the eve of the biggest match of his career.
One of the rules was a total ban on sex and any form of self-stimulation. Dunga recalled how one morning he himself almost fell foul of the manager, Daniel Passerella, when he was caught stroking the underside of a jaffa cake at the breakfast table. 'He [Passarella] threatened to throw me off the team and send me home immediately.'
The stocky midfielder was well placed to notice Ronaldo's deterioration, having shared a room with the Brazil striker since the beginning of the tournament. 'On the morning of the final, Ronnie told me he could take it no more. I noticed he had trouble walking.' A leaked FIFA document obtained today by the New London Journal, showed that Ronaldo complained to the team doctor of having 'very heavy balls' hours before kick off. The Brazilian FA refuse to discuss the matter.
Dunga, who retired after the final, was on a promotional tour of Blackpool to launch his new donkey riding company that will be operating on the beachfront from this Sunday until the end of September.
In another breaking scandal involving the Brazilian soccer team, pop superstar Michael Jackson has threatened to sue Ronaldinho for image rights abuse, accusing him of copying his look from the 1984 Thriller video. The player has so far declined to comment.
Schipper's Original Miscellany: Transport
Interesting Items Handed into London Underground's Lost Property Office.
- a pencil case
- a pencil (believed to have come from the aforementioned case)
- a seat cover torn from a train
- a copy of Metro from Friday 22nd Nov 2002
- the colour blue
- a pack of polyester sheets
- an opened can of coca cola
- Beagle 2 (pictured)
Thursday, January 15, 2004
The New London Journal Guide to Internet Dating
With Alun Bunton
Hello internet daters! My name's Alun Bunton and I've been using the internet to date now for over thirty years.
Up until 1982 there were only five women using the internet worldwide, and three of those were married. At the time, I was competing against seven hundred thousand male users to find love online. I managed to score a date with the lovely but small Catherine Munroe. We exchanged emails for seventeen years and finally she agreed to meet me. I did have a slight advantage over the other boys who were lusting after her, though; Catherine and I lived in the same village. It proved to be our only date, but it was great fun!
Since then, I have wooed many women online and wanted to share my top tips for a successful internet romance. Here they are.
1. Email each other several times before meeting. Men should familiarise themselves with the music Top 40, and quiz the potential date about who's top of the hit parade. Failure to answer this question is one of the few ways to ensure your new friend is over sixteen. Believe me daters, I've been caught out by this many times before!
2. Meet in a public place for the first date. The man may identify himself by wearing a small rose in the lapel of his blazer, or a pool cue if he so chooses.
3. Nothing sexual may happen on the first date, but in case it does refrain from wearing soiled underwear.
4. If you invite her back to your flat, remember one of three things will happen.
- You will cook her dinner and she will leave that evening.
- You will cook her dinner and she will leave in the morning.
- You will kill her and she won't leave at all.
All the best, Alun xxx
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Shipman's Mother: I Won't Be Buying Those Sheets Again
Michael Schipper at Bamford Prison
Shirley Shipman, mother of Harold Shipman, vowed yesterday to return the bedsheets she bought for him to John Lewis, after Britain's most prolific killer used them to hang himself.
Mrs Shipman will be seeking a full refund after a label on the sheets stated they were made from cotton, when they were actually made from polyester, a much stronger material and ideal for hanging. They retail at £14.99.
Shipman committed suicide in his prison cell yesterday and was found dangling from window bars with the sheets tied in a noose around his neck. I wonder what his problem was. He had wrapped a curtain around his body to avoid being discovered. Forensic experts believe he did this before hanging himself.
It was the second attempt Shipman had made on his life. The murderer was discovered in a similar position by prison guards three weeks ago, but with the sheets tied around his wrists. He was cut down. He suffered some bruising and couldn't wear his Pop Swatch comfortably for a week, but made a swift recovery.
Last night prison warders were attempting to find a trigger for the suicide. It was known among the other prisoners that Shipman was upset over the festive period when the Cheeky Girls failed to make the Christmas No. 1 spot.
Wardens pointed also to the fact he would have been 58 today, and may have been told by his wife that he wouldn't be getting as many presents as usual. Little does he know that now he won't be getting any.
Schipper's Original Miscellany: Language
Use of the acronym 'NLJ'.
- The New London Journal
- The National Law Journal
- The National Library of Jamaica
- The New Life Journal
- Nobody Likes Justin
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
New Yorkers Insulted by 9/11 Memorial Design
Michael Schipper in New York
New York Mayor, Michael Bloomberg, rushed to quell anger today after the winning design for the 9/11 memorial was unveiled.
Entitled 'Bouncing Back', the design by Swedish sculptor Marcus Bilje, features a cast iron structure made to look like a bouncy castle in sombre yellows and reds.
Mayor Bloomberg praised the design as 'striking', conceded that not everyone will be happy, but remained positive. 'It will be the most famous memorial in the world, no other country will have one like it.'
'It won't be bouncy, it's a hard structure,' Bilje stated. 'In many ways it represents how New York has changed since 9/11. It still looks fun, but has a hard edge to it. That's enormously difficult for people to accept, it's about facing up to disappointment and overcoming it.'
Brooklyn resident, Chad Shadow, was aghast at the idea. 'Not bouncy? That ain't good. I just want somewhere I can take my kinds in the pushchair and buy pretzels.'
If built, it would be the world's most ambitious memorial project, far larger in size than the Ko'Peng Tower in Seoul, built to commemorate the turnip raids of 1932.
The New London Journal Pop Vox - We Ask You!
This week Jimmy Pedang, 68, from Clapham.
New London Journal: Are you gay?
Pedang: No.
Monday, January 12, 2004
Fears Over Salmon Put Sky Marshals on Jets
Michael Schipper in London
Minister for Transport, Alistair Darling, today confirmed that US-style sky marshals will fly on all airlines that serve salmon for either lunch or dinner.
Fears over the safety of Scottish-farmed salmon came to light in a report by US food scientists last week. Some fish were found to be carrying cancer-causing toxins, flick knives and in extreme cases, explosives.
Last night a spokesman for United Airlines insisted that all salmon served for lunch and evening meals were vetted thoroughly, having to pass a series of stringent checks before being allowed to board.
Darling refused to be drawn on just how trustworthy salmon are, but said that he employed one to chauffeur his two young daughters to school each morning.
Protests at the move came from fish markets around the country. Michael Munroe, a fishmonger at Billingsgate Market condemned the 'misinformed' study, and claimed that fundamentalism among all fish was on the rise, not just salmon.
The first marshal to board a flight will be SAS man Ricky Richards (above right). It is not yet known if he will be carrying mayonnaise, he looks like the kind of man that would do. We've airbrushed out his left ear to protect his identity.
Thought of the Day
If it wasn't for golf, vintage cars and sailing, then there would be no birthday cards for our fathers.
Sunday, January 11, 2004
UK Scientists Reveal the Secrets to a Succesful Life
Michael Schipper in Eastbourne
Eating chocolate is ten times more likely to make you happier than being scarred for life in a terrible house fire.
Science journal, The Bunsen Burner, today published the three things most likely to ensure a long and happy life, and the four things most likely to cause dissatisfaction.
Professor Alan Hornet OBE, led a team of researchers at Monmouth University in the fifty-year study. The study was originally planned to last only one year, but was delayed due to the government deciding at the last minute to spilt the research grant over fifty annual instalments.
A Life of Happiness and Joy:
1. Chocolate.
2. Porn (participating in).
3. Winning Countdown.
A Life of Misery:
1. Porn (watching).
2. Thinking about how 'cool' it would be for the superheroes from DC Comics to fight the ones from Marvel comics.
3. Being burned badly.
4. Talking about driving routes and the best way to get somewhere at a wedding, funeral or other family occasion.
Friday, January 09, 2004
Cop Killer Wins Lottery While Distraught Widow Awaits Compensation
Michael Schipper in Brighton
Twisted cop killer Len Sutton (centre) today paraded his lottery winner's cheque in front of the UK's media and declared 'I'm rich!'. The murderer, serving five life terms for the brutal killing of PC Burt Longbert is now £9.8m wealthier after scooping the jackpot in Saturday's draw. A car engine was also included as part of the prize.
A delighted Mr Sutton was looking forward to spending his winnings, even though his jail term means he won't be able to enjoy them immediately. He entered the lottery as part of a work syndication at Horren Hill Police Station (where he spends one day a fortnight on work release), but claimed the entire winnings after his law-abiding colleagues failed to contribute their £1 for the week.
'It hit me like lightning when I realised I'd won. I couldn't believe my eyes. This is for all my friends.' In particular, Mr Sutton wished to thank Geordie TV presenters Ant and Dec for supporting him throughout his trial, but later conceded that he did not know them, nor had they supported him.
In an unrelated story, widow Doris Hawkins was still awaiting compensation from MFI in Bristol after they incorrectly installed four kitchen units in her bathroom.
Scientists Discover The End is Not Nigh
Michael Schipper in London
For years, heretics and religious cults such as House of Fraser have been exclaiming the 'The end is nigh!'. But evidence is now emerging that could prove 'The End' is in fact a nightclub in central London just off Shaftesbury Avenue.
Cambridge scientists captured this extraordinary image late last night on an easily transportable talking device with a camera attachment, or what the scientific community are excitedly calling a 'mobile phone'.
House of Fraser High Lord, David Kevorkeddikorkian, moved quickly to condemn the research calling it 'a flawed and disrespectful exercise'. The grandee also claimed the photo is a fake and pointed to the fact it contains no shadows, but admitted that no one has seen them for years.
Raggy Baloo, chief scientist for the project, praised the breakthrough and paid tribute to his team. He was later found dead in his flat, finally succumbing to the irritable bowel syndrome which had blighted his life for the past eighteen years.
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Thought of the Day
First it was the rich, then it was the nouveau riche and now it is the content rich.
Schipper's Original Miscellany: Film
You can mix 'n' match the words in these film titles and they still make sense.
Cold Mountain
Big Fish
Minority Report
American Beauty
Steven Spielberg's 'Fish Report' is due for release in late 2004.
Weekly Film Reviews
This week our guest reviewer is James Mason, who until last week was employed at the Tiverton Vehicle Repair Centre but was sacked for fitting worn brake pads to a Renault Clio.
Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - Good, but needed more spaceships.
Master & Commader - Good, but again needed more spaceships.
Matrix Revolutions - Too many spaceships.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Fads for 2004 - Pilates
One is a piece of pilates equpiment, the other is a machine used for sado-masochistic sex. Can you tell the difference?
New Band Names
If you are a new band or a talented group of musicians but are stuck for a name, please feel free to use one of the monikers I've thought of below.
Machiavellian Manoeuvres
Dry Riser Outlet
Babyrat
You Are My Toilet
Are You My Toilet?
Slut Machine
Oasis
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
Fans' Fury at Special Effects for Superman Remake
Michael Schipper in California
Members of the The DC Comics Fan Club today vented their fury towards producers of the new Superman movie at a preview screening in Los Angeles.
Promising to be a summer blockbuster, Superman VI: What's That In Your Hand? was given a less than charitable 3 out of 10 by the disappointed audience. Lou Baloo, chairman of the fan club was outraged by the 'cheap production'. 'Corners have clearly been cut in the special effects department and US theater-goers deserve better for their dollars.'
Ordinary movie fan, Saggy Baloo (no relation), left halfway through with his two daughters when he realised during a close up that some pieces of krypotonite had been substituted for shiny tortoises.
Aghan director, Ron Howard, today expressed his immense disappointment at fans' reaction to the final cut of his first attempt at an action movie. Calling it an 'ambitious project' he commented that some of the effects may appear low grade, but was in keeping with how the original comics were produced. 'They didn't have any CGI or 3D modelling in the 1950s, so why should we?'.
Mavis Greenwood (pictured above) also defended the director's decision to cast her as the superhero. 'I don't know what all the fuss is about. I like it.'
Howard was assassinated moments later, an event my editor suggested I lead with in this article, but I didn't.
Fact of the Week
Richard Ashcroft of The Verve has admitted that his band's hit single, 'The Drugs Don't Work' was, in fact, about a placebo.
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