Cross-Eyed Teacher Locates Blackboard, Thanks Headmaster for Support


Michael Schipper in Hatchford

Seven months after entering classroom 7C, Raymond Hasselhoff thumps his fist reassuringly against the blackboard he discovered only moments earlier.

The geography teacher, cross-eyed at the age of fourteen after a tragic video game accident, expressed joy and relief. 'It's been a long haul, but I'm so happy to have finally got here. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but now I feel I can get on with my life and career.'

The 3 feet by 4 feet blackboard, replete with chalk lines and dust looks like any other blackboard, rather than a master of evading detection. 'The nights were hard,' remarked Hasselhoff. 'Occasionally, I would be on my hands and knees and would come across a small piece of chalk or a worn board rubber, but never the blackboard.'

Eventually Raymond found it by growing his nails and scratching them down the walls. 'There's only one sound a blackboard makes when you do that. The pupils cheered when I found it!'

Hasselhoff paid tribute to the headmaster, David Sweepington, who hired him all those months ago calling him a 'wonderful man'. 'Those who can, teach. And today, I've proved that I most definitely can.'
3:13 PM

 
Thought of the Day
If you don't let an umbrella dry out after being in the rain, then eventually it will smell of broad beans. The same applies to babies.
2:22 PM

 
Mate or Date?
This week on Mate or Date? we ask Nigel Chillingford from Essex which of the activities below he'd like to be doing either with a mate or a date.



Shopping: mate.
Dinner: date.
A visit to the theatre: date.
Ice skating: date.
Going to a rock concert: mate.
Looking at page three of the Sun: mate.
Making pate: date.
Anal sex: date.
A walk in the park: date.
Downloading child pornography: mate.
Cutting a pineapple: mate.
Eviscerating an OAP: mate.

9:49 PM

 
The Hunt for Weapons of Mass Destruction Continues...
This week...my Great Auntie Mabel's House.



Tip: go into the kitchen and in the second cupboard on the left, look behind the Bovril.
1:06 AM

 
Saddam Hussein Defiant In Interrogation, But Secrets Revealed


Michael Schipper in Bad'Dad

Saddam Hussein, the former President of Iraq, is not cooperating fully with US interrogators, sources reveal.

CIA investigators are said to be frustrated at the fallen dictator's defiance, but remain positive after gaining several pieces of key information that could aid the search for weapons of mass destruction (WMD).

'It's becoming a game of cat and mouse', said one US official. 'We afford him some privileges in exchange for information. On Christmas Day he watched the whole of World Idol, but when it became clear he would only offer partial information in return, we limited his options to a single text vote for Kurt [the Norwegian entrant with the gap-toothed smile].'

US authorities have been keen to stress that hardline interrogation techniques are necessary and have already led to important discoveries. 'We asked Saddam if he likes butter. Surveillance from US Special Forces and satellite photography had indicated this may be true. He remained silent. We offered him a hot, buttered crumpet but he would not take it. Our only remaining option was to restrain him in the chair and thrust a buttercup under his chin; a small yellow circle began to glow.

Yes, it's brutal but is no greater a brutality than this man has shown thousands of his fellow Iraqis.'

Despite scouring the country for eight months, the Iraq Survey Group has remained mystified as to the quantity and whereabouts of any WMD. It is hoped that further interrogation of Saddam will lead them to the four biological warheads that are in the northern city of Tikrit.

12:59 AM

 
Blogging: Behind the Scenes
Inspiration comes in many forms: a nightingale singing into the cool winter air; a 25-yard free kick from David Beckham's right foot; a 25-yard pearl necklace. But where does the inspiration arise for a new blog post?

I wanted to give you some insight into how ideas for this blog arise, and to make the process as transparent as possible. Below is a transcript of an instant messenger discussion I had with a friend at work that contains an idea for The New London Journal. To protect his identity, I have added an 'e' to the end of his surname.

By the way, he doesn't know that I saved the discussion so don't tell him, he might think it's a bit weird. If you email me, I will send you some pictures of him that have come into my possession recently.

Michael UK: u like?
peter brooke: good stuff!
peter brooke: haha sending out an sms
peter brooke: has saddam been captured?
Michael UK: i dunno
Michael UK: has he?
peter brooke: i dunno
peter brooke: i rely on your blog for me news, don't mislead people
Michael UK: well i'm pretty sure he has been captured
Michael UK UK: it was on Five news
peter brooke: oh yes, the guardian confirms that he has been
peter brooke: i knew your blog wouldn't lie
Michael UK: i need to beautify it
peter brooke: it looks fine, most blogs i've seen use the same templates anyway
Michael UK: i'll change it
Michael UK: as Ezra Pound said 'make it new'
Michael UK: he also said 'oooh i could crush a grape'
peter brooke: haha
peter brooke: you could do a series on quotes of the great poets
Michael UK: was he a poet?
Michael UK: cool
Michael UK: i didnt know that
Michael UK: all i know is that he was captured yesterday
peter brooke: haha
peter brooke: yeah he was handy with a verse

4:52 PM

 
Siamese Twins
Siamese twins are two people that are born at the same time with side partings. Often they are born conjoined and in many cases are siblings. Below is an example of what Siamese twins could look like if dressed up in dinner jackets (note the side partings).



Lesley Ash, female star of BBC 1's Men Behaving Badly, is not an example of a Siamese twin. Anna Ryder-Richardson (Changing Rooms) is.

The painting above depicts Eng and Chang Bunker, two famous nineteenth-century Siamese twins. Contrary to popular belief, they never starred in any PG Tips adverts, although Eng's peculiarly long ring finger would have been ideal for stirring hot tea.

Born before the invention of the spoon, Chang became jealous of Eng's long finger; Eng often refused to stir Chang's hot drinks in spite of having the means to do so. Chang, forced into performing this task with his typically short finger, often got his sleeve wet as a result. The pair would often have bitter arguments about this and on many occasions stormed out of the room together.

I do not know any Siamese twins. Are you supposed to buy them a card each for their birthday or will one do? One thing that can be said of Siamese twins is that they are tight-fisted, and will always give only one present in return.

Siamese twins are rubbish at arranging surprise birthday parties for each other. They enjoy orgies, particularly threesomes.


12:01 AM

 
The City is Full of Secret Codes...



And Sometimes, the City's Full of Ex-Crystal Palace Owner, Ron Noades...



11:56 PM

 
December Restaurant Review!
Man At Your Door Pub, 181 Marylebone High St, London W1

The Man At Your Door has been bringing London top-nosh grub since it opened in 1311. Constructed on the site of a Starbucks, this gastropub extraordinaire has now undergone it's third refurbishment, but it's not only the soft furnishings that have changed. Bob Dales and his wife, Video Conferencing Machine, have unleashed a new concept in eating: pub sushi.

Gone is the bar set straight against the wall, in its place a circular one, surrounded by stools and a conveyor belt. Take your seat and be enthralled by the mini parade of salted peanuts, crisps and pork scratchings waiting to be picked off the winding waiter by the lucky punters. Of course, there's no need to take a whole dish if you're only peckish, you can dip in and out as often as you like and munch away. There are no chopsticks or pretensions, it's all fingers here.

It's another winner from the centuries-old Dales family. They survived the Romans and now they've survived London's fast food onslaught. All hail the Dales!

Bookings: 0207 239 6472. Non-smoking. Children below the height of six feet eat free.

Review by Laura Lambast
5:46 PM

 
Thought of the Day
Saddam Hussein has been captured, but where is Paul McKenna?
5:33 PM

 
A Conversation You Don't Hear Very Often (1)...
'Hello. It's a good conference isn't it? Are you enjoying it? The conference, that is.'
'Yes, I am enjoying the conference. It is a good conference.'
'Are you in the radiator key business?'
'No, I'm not in the business but I do enjoy a good conference.'
'Good. So...what business are you in then?'
'I work in a magnet factory.'
'A magnet factory?'
'Yes.'
'Good lord, you don't hear about those very often. I didn't realise there were any magnet factories.'
'Well, there are and I work in one. Magnets are a sophisticated piece of engineering, they come in all shapes and sizes nowadays. Round, square, oblong...'
'Yes, I know.'
'Oh you know, yes that's right, everyone's a bloody expert on magnets these days. Think they know all there is to know about magnets: repelling, attracting, positive and negatives. But you didn't know there were factories to make them did you?'
'No, you're right, but...'
'So what did you think? That magnets just spring out of the ground? As though they are...as though they are radiator keys?'
'I feel a little chagrined by that comment, sir. There you stand, a worker in a magnet factory, at the annual conference for the British Association Of Radiator Key Designers, insinuating that radiator keys have no more skill in their design than a common root vegetable! Radiator keys don't just happen!'
'And neither do magnets!'
4:12 PM

 
Slogans - An Index of Catchy Slogans and Themes That Popular Brands Will Be Using In An Advertising Campaign Near You!
No. 1 - Vodafone

Slogan: 'Sending out an SMS!'
Theme: Robinson Crusoe, desert island, isolation.
Music: The Police, 'Message in a Bottle'. "I'm sending out an SMS..."
Purpose: To encourage mobile owners to send more texts.
8:08 AM