The New London Journal
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
WWII Poetry - An Extract
Taken from 'WWII Poetry - Were You There?' edited by Alfred Spandau (above).
Damn you bomb!
Why did you fall?
Did you need to fall on my school?
That wasn't cool.
You thumped the ground
And exploded hard.
You blew off Jeff's head, the class retard.
His body fell on a glass shard.
Did you have to leave that plane?
You've caused a lot of pain.
Jonny won't be playing football again.
He's got maggots in his wounds, like rice grain.
I don't like you anymore.
My sister's in pieces on the gym floor.
She's as flat as a door.
Is this why you came?
To punish the poor?
You should be bloody ashamed of yourself.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Animal Liberation Front Attack Betting Firm Director
Mike Schipper in Cutlet, New Hertfordshire
The Animal Liberation Front (ALF) have claimed responsibility for a paint attack on a director of BetBalls, one of the UK's leading bookmakers.
Michael Manning (above), 46, was subjected to a vicious assault while playing Swingball in his garden with his wheelchair-bound teenage son last Friday.
"It was just a normal Friday and I was at home with my son. I don't work Fridays because I'm superstitious and wary of Friday 13th. As you know, Friday 13th can fall on any Friday of a given month, so it was agreed that I wouldn't ever work Fridays.
"I've been wary of Friday 13th ever since I witnessed my father bludgeon my mother to death on Thursday 22nd July 2002. I went round for Sunday lunch and the attack happened just as my mother was dishing up the peas. My father was hiding a rolling pin between his legs then used it to slowly poke her in the minge. That surprised her alright. She fell to the floor and I remember the peas rolling across the kitchen lino. So many peas. My father was 86 at the time and my mother was 82. My father, a chronic diabetic, was weak but the attack continued relentlessly into the days that followed.
"The coroner, upon examining my mother's body, said it must have been one of the slowest murders ever committed. I was quite offended by that because my father tried his best, so I had to explain about his age and the many medical problems he had - the diabetes, the arthritis, his elephantitis of the testicles etc, etc.
"So in short I don't work Fridays.
"Anyway, I was winning the Swingball match 20-0. I don't think Adam finds it easy in the wheelchair. (We've been playing for five years now and he's never taken a game off me.) He's too slow to react and often the ball ends up whacking him either side of his face. That can't be helped though."
The horrific attack saw sixteen masked ALF members scale the perimeter fence of the Manning's five-bedroom detached home in New Hertfordshire.
"I didn't hear them or see them until it was too late", said Mr Manning. "They found their way into the shed and that's where the paint attack occurred. I had five tins of apple blossom emulsion stacked neatly on a shelf, so they threw each one to the floor and started calling them names. It was very upsetting."
ALF contacted The New London Journal today and confessed to carrying out the attack. It came after the political group joined forces with the League Against Gambling (LAG) which wants to take a more militant stance against betting firms.
For the past two years LAG campaigns have focused on the anti-social nature of gambling with the slogan, 'Gambling Gets Your Goat!'. But recently they've expressed irritation at BetBalls' new online gambling competition, 'Gambling Gets You A Goat!', in which new customers can win a goat if they guess correctly the number of players from each side who will be fielded in a soccer match.
"We just found people were getting confused between the two," said LAG campaigner Martin Jones. "We had people attending anti-gambling rallies with the wrong slogan on placards, saying things like not only could you win a goat if you gambled, but you could win a hen too.
"One that I found particularly annoying was, 'Gambling Gets You're A Goat!', which doesn't even make sense. And even if it did make sense then why would we say to people 'You are a goat'?
"We even had a Greek tourist turn up who was terribly confused and had written 'I'll put a slow goat in your mouth' on his T-shirt. We didn't think that conveyed the right message at all.
"Last month we asked BetBalls very politely to change their slogan, but they refused, so that's when we decided to team up with the Animal Liberation Front. They've been ever so helpful, especially as they're busy with their own campaign to stop people from using the phrase, 'I've got a frog in my throat', because it misrepresents frogs - they never try to jump into peoples' throats. They're too big."
Police are combing the Manning's garden for evidence and are asking witnesses to come forward.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Do Angels Walk On Earth?
Mike Schipper in Cumbria
Do angels walk on Earth? Scientists haven't proved it, poets can only suppose it and no one else gives a toss, but it's a question Terry Elliot (pictured right, kissing his daughter) has been asking himself a lot lately when he was saved by one after a terrible horse riding accident last year.
"I remember the accident quite clearly' remembers Terry, as we asked him to remember the accident so we could write about it as he was remembering it. 'I remember', said Terry 'that it was a very dark morning in December. I remember that because there wasn't much light, it was eerie alright, and it had been eerie all night. Bess seemed very agitated as she was drinking from the trough. Bess was my wife at the time. She always used to complain when I forced her to drink from it, especially when I filled it up with horse jizz rather than water. Moan moan moan. I often had to tell her to shut her face or else. One morning I jizzed in the trough myself. I can't remember why, I just did it. She didn't notice though. Oh hang on, yes she did. She said to me...Now what was it she said to me? No, it's gone.
"Now, I've forgotten a major part of the story, but I remember that for some reason I'd taken my horse - David Dean Stanley - out into the woods for a hack. I'd put headphones on his ears and was playing him Rod Stewart from my CD walkman. This always used to calm him down. No it didn't, it always made him angry. Very, very angry. That was my mistake. And before I knew it, David Dean Stanley had me on the forest floor and was cuffing me with his hoof. He loved wearing his frilly hoof cuffs, but he'd never used them against me before. Only Bess had, but much more softly.
"I'm recalling something. Something important. Oh yes - luckily I was saved by a passerby who startled David Dean Stanley. He ran off and collided with a tree. The passerby's name was Terri Elliott and last month she became my wife and changed her name to Terri Elliot (but with just one 't' in Elliot).
"I thank heaven that she walked past and saved me. Of course, she did just walk past at first, but my screams played on her mind and she returned to the scene the next day as I was still being assaulted and it was her rear approach that surprised David Dean Stanley.
"She is a true angel for saving me. A true angel indeed. Not a bitch for leaving me to die for twenty-four hours, it would be wrong to say that, but an absolute angel for coming back to rescue me. Eventually.
"And she is a constant reminder to me that angels do walk on Earth. Only last night as I was pulling into the driveway, she leapt out from a bush and threw a placard at the windscreen that said 'Angels Walk On Earth'. It made me crash into the corner of the house and I smashed my head against the steering wheel, but five hours in casualty soon put that right. Oh I do love her. She saved me."
The New London Journal asked Terry's neighbours if they too believe angels walk on Earth.
"Yeah, I think they do", said Mitchell Evans. "I remember once I was late for work and had to run for a bus. I'd been reprimanded the week before for being late so needed to catch it but the bus was too far ahead and there was no way I could make it.
"So I looked up to the sky and said 'Please God, please anyone, make that bus stop!' And then a second later the bus passed under a bridge and a geezer who was standing on it hurled a brick at the bus driver. It smashed through his window and cracked his skull. The bus swerved onto the pavement, struck a young mother pushing a pram - killing her - then hit the McDonald's on the corner and mowed down a group of school children. An elderly gentleman who was on the bus suffered a heart attack as it overturned, and several other passengers died as he fell on them.
"The vehicle came to a halt and I was finally able to catch it up, which was a bit of good fortune. So, yeah, I reckon angels do walk on Earth and it was an angel which made that bus stop. I tried to climb on board but was pulled off by the emergency services which was a bit annoying as by now I was running really late. I got to work eventually and thankfully I was on time, but my manager just told me to go home as there had been an accident and the restaurant was closed. I work at the McDonald's what the bus hit."
Maggie Brown, who has known Mr Elliot for fifteen years, also supported his view that angels walk among us on Earth. "I definitely think they do. My children are always going on about them though I never give into them. That's too easily done, isn't it? Giving into children. You won't catch me doing that. They say that Michael Jackson gave into children and look at the problems he's having. Anyway, yeah I'm pretty certain they exist - I've seen them in the shops - all the different flavours. You've got strawberry, chocolate, butterscotch. Angel's Delight is definitely available on Earth. I think they're bringing out a horse jizz flavour. The kids'll really be nagging me then. Gawd."
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Mohamad Al-Fayed On...
Welcome to a new, regular feature from The New London Journal where we ask Mohamed Al-Fayed for his views on life in Britain and ask him to peel back the skin of his fascinating career.
NLJ: Mr Fayed, first of all thank you for agreeing to do this.
AL-FAYED: You people take it for granted that I'm here. You should be thanking me, I got better things to do. Just don't ask me about Diana and Dodi. And don't ask me about the Duke of Edinburgh.
NLJ: Prince Philip?
AL-FAYED: Don't ask me about him.
NLJ: Tell me about your career. How did you make your fortune?
AL-FAYED: I was in Egypt aged seventeen when I started selling sewing machines. I sold them to women only, not gay man. Don't ask me about Prince Philip.
NLJ: And you did well and went on to become an exporter?
AL-FAYED: Exporter, yes. Dogs, cats, foot stools. Made my fortune and invested in shipping. But don't ask me about Prince Philip, I won't answer questions on him.
NLJ: And at what age did you become a millionaire?
AL-FAYED: He is of no interest to me that man. I have no opinion of him.
NLJ: I read that you were a millionaire by twenty-one.
AL-FAYED: You want to know what Prince Philip did to me? Ok, you ask so I tell you. He killed my son. He had him murdered - and Princess Diana too. He had them both killed. He killed them and murdered their bodies. Why? Because he is evil, an evil poison rising like steam from the gutter into my nostrils. That man, he is a Nazi German bastard. He is a Nazi! He is a Nazi! He is a Nazi! He is a Nazi! That man - I will tell you - is a Nazi! And a fucking gangster. He is a criminal, a murderer and he is a piece of shit gangster. And he knows nothing about origami. He knows nothing about it. He is a Nazi! If that piece of shit walked in now I would stamp on him. Then I would clean my shoe because it would be covered in shit. He is no better than a dog. A filthy animal and Nazi bitch. He is a whore monkey and an evil racist. At night he wears pyjamas like the KKK. He doesn't like me, though I have done nothing wrong. That scum shit killed Dodi because he is racist. No, I don't mean Dodi was a racist, Prince Philip is a racist. I call him a Greek racist son of a bitch because that's what he is. Infact no, I'll tell what you he is: he is a pus-filled testicle. He is like a scum disease on the Royal Family that's made their skin go bad and crusty. He gives them all diarrhoea and broken legs. He is the type of man who gives another man food poisoning then locks him outside the toilet so he must shit himself. I would make Prince Philip eat that shit then suck the Queen's nipples. And why she marry him? She's a Queen and he's only a Prince. How can they be married? Because he's a gangster that why, who wants death and shit in his mouth. I hardly have any respect left for this man. You asked so I fucking told you. Son of a bitch whore.
NLJ: Thank you Mr Fayed.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Actor Plots to Be New Pope
Mike Schipper in the Vatican City
British actor Christopher Ecclestone shed light on why he quit the part of Dr Who in Dr Who, by announcing last night that he's a contender to be the new Pope.
His agent revealed that Ecclestone, 42, contacted the Cardinals last night to announce his intention to do 'whatever it takes to be the new leader of the Catholic Church', telling them it's the one part that he wants and would even 'kill a man in order to get it'. The body who will elect the new Pope is considering his offer.
Housewife, Catholic and Ecclestone fan Jenny Swain, who has spent the last twenty years collecting photo clippings of the TV star's nail clippings said, 'It would be fantastic if Chris is the new Pope as he's really good looking and clean. If he gets to the Vatican he'd have to bludgeon me around the head with a metal cross to keep me away.'
Meanwhile, millions of people throughout the world have begun a week of mourning to mark the death of the outgoing Pope John Paul II. Sky News have marked the occasion by dedicating an entire channel to screening non-stop library footage of the Pope on his travels over the last quarter century, set to East 17's number one hit 'All Around the World'. Sky are planning to broadcast the programme until 2017 as a mark of respect.
Deacon Barry Foster, who lived in the Vatican City in 1988 and now runs the Anglians Against Anglicans social club in Norwich, said the Pope was the greatest religious leader of our time. 'He was a great man, truly great. He touched everyone, he did. Everyone. And he was a man who loved people. There were very few people the Pope couldn't stand being near. Very few. I think of all the people he didn't like it was the musicians who bored him the most, especially that Bono who had the most terrible greasy hair. The Pope was washing his hands for days after that encounter.
'Who else didn't he like? Well, it was ever so precarious, him being at that balcony all the time, doing his prayers. Every Sunday he used to dread that Michael Jackson fella coming behind him, grabbing him by the feet and danglin' him out the window. He hated the thought of that.
'Though fondly remembered, I think one of the things he'll be criticised for is spending the Church's money. In the early nineties a certain t-shirt became popular that carried the slogan "I like the Pope. The Pope smokes dope."
'Of course this outraged John Paul, he hated cannabis because again it reminded him of all those rock stars who used to bother him. But these t-shirts sold in their millions and were making him look bad, so eventually he decided to launch his own t-shirt to counter the evil lies. He came up with the slogan "No, I don't", but they didn't really sell too well. I think the problem was that the new slogan didn't reference the old t-shirt in any way, so no one knew what the message was referring to. He spent an awful lot of money having those made and I think another mistake was having the slogan printed in white lettering on a white background.'
Deacon Foster offered his thoughts on Ecclestone's move: 'I don't know if he is the right person to lead the Catholic Church. He said he wanted to leave Dr Who because he didn't want to be typecast, but what does he think will happen if he becomes Pope?
'Karol Józef Wojtyła was the Pope for twenty-six years: no one remembers the 'will they-won't they' coffee ads he did before that. He was brilliant. At one point you believed he was actually drinking it. That really was a miracle.'
The Pope's funeral will take place on Friday.
Any similarities on this site to persons deceased or living are purely coincidental.